Well these things happened to me also. Sometimes i forget to love myself, and when I find myself in love with someone.. It is like giving them my whole heart, and when “bad” things happen they may happen for a reason, but if you are stuck in the past don’t forgot That you are worthy too. Don’t forget how you were and find yourself again.. It is the best advice I can think off right now.

Peace

Dear Kirty:

I was thinking about what I wrote to you above. The intellectual understandings I referred to, the ones that make you go “Aha!” – they are connected to an emotional understanding, this is why there is that Aha! So on this Healing Path, as I refer to it, there are no two separate understandings: one logical/ intellectual and the other Emotional. The two co exist and interact. So it is not that you had strictly logical understandings so far.

What it is, is that on this Healing Path, to stay on it, you have to keep having new understandings. There is no such think as One-Understanding-will-heal-me thing. There is really no end to seeing more and more… and then more into what is, into the reality of who you are and what life is about.

You stay on the Healing Path only if you keep seeing.And to do that you have to keep Paying Attention, being Mindful all day long, all the time (although imperfectly of course) while being extremely patient and gentle with yourself.

This second post to you today is an example of what I am talking about: I saw something NEW after my last post to you.

And there will yet be something new to see if I looked more. But I won’t look more into your posts, only new posts that you may still send here!

anita

Dear Kirty:

I read your latest post and then went back to your original post: all the questions there. As I read your first question, I answered in my mind: “fear.” I read the next question and my answer again was “fear.” Same answer to the next and next question and then I gave up and didn’t read all the questions. I think that your talk in your last post, about dissociation caught my mind. I lived that way most of my life, caught up in a big, inflated balloon like head, thinking, thinking and then… thinking some more. Anxious, irritated, angry, depressed, but not aware of finer emotions. I lived under the exhausting state of being in emotional storms without being able to pick up on individual winds, individual elements of the weather.

Fear is the reason. To develop a faith in yourself to be strong enough to live with fear, long enough psychotherapy with a competent, caring and hard working therapist will help, a lot. Then in between sessions, or outside psychotherapy, now, you can exercise, practice tools you learned already in therapy, look into what you did learn, those Aha moments. And practice, in small ways, what you learned. Through practice, you get to see what is next for you to do.

Please post again…

anita

Dear Kirty. 🙂
I understand exactly how you are feeling, may i asked what made you change?
You are being giving judgement toward others but worse… you are going judgement toward yourself. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I know exactly how you feel, where i was at… i asked myself the same same same question. I was at a stage of life where all i see was beauty, then something really bad happened, slowly i only see negative things and slowly and slower i progressed into a bitter person. however, i have been much better lately and there is something i wrote just yesterday and i think it is perfect timing, i think it was meant to be for you and me too.
Here it is what i wrote about myself and you can also relate.

“Sorry that I judge.
But I will allowed myself to do so.
I know it’s a state right now, my heart just isn’t feeling it. There is not yet enough warmth I have created for myself.
So, I will judge when I want and I won’t when I can’t feel the judgement but love.
Every day is a different day, you can’t feel the same shit forever let’s face it.
Because what is the worse? Judging people when you don’t mean it, or you judging people and then judging yourself? I think judging yourself is the worse… Because the worse of the worse is not allowing yourself to be at whatever state you are in at right now, if you can’t feel it yet, you can’t control it. Then just let yourself be, it’s a way of letting out shit… It feels lonely, when you judge others and also judge yourself. You are forever alone, because not even you can be there for yourself. That, to me is the worse…
Let you be where the state of your life is taking you at now. Self hate is not allowing room for self love. But if you could judge other, then allow yourself to be so, aware of your action and be mindful about it. Atleast there are some love you have given for yourself. There are abit of mercy, and when there is so… Mindfulness exist
.. You are more gentle towards yourself, you will be softer to the outside. Allow yourself to be what you are, it’s ok. We are all struggling, trying to figure out ourselves. And it’s absolutely ok to be where you are right now. Soon, when you feel it and you will do what feels right.
The worse of the worse is blaming others then blaming ourselves.
But if we can understand, this is where I am at life right now. I will learn someday.
That is mindfulness, in a very selfish way

• This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Luna.
• This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Luna.

And I think we all secretly judging but the cute ones would be mindful about it. Judging doesn’t have to be hatred, it could just means you see a different side of the object (general objects are all external things on earth including all living things) not as in object is an object if you know what I mean.
But it doesn’t mean you think bad of them, just feel some energy stuff. That is a very very subtle way of judgment we probably don’t even realise it. But it is, no judgement is no attachment or feeling toward objects because you understand it is not absolute, and two it is an illusion, and 3 compassion and empathy.

Man, I’ll just be what I want to be. I will be judged but as long I don’t judge myself… I think, that makes me quiet honest to myself to keep on thriving to be achieve non judgement.

I knoww when I achieved that, I will look back to this post and thinking. 🙁 I wish I never had, but here is the real me and what I think about judgement and allowing myself to be with the flow on the state life is flowing at the moment.”

These you mentioned are symptom of depression but please don’t think too much about it, but rather accepting it. It is also a bless to be experience life in this extreme emotionless kind of way, not everyone reach to this point of feeling nothing you know..?
But i know the feeling of unable to feel, unable to enjoy the things you used to enjoy, no excitement, even if everything in your life is progressing but you are feeling like time isn’t moving and, i don’t know if you feel this way but i was having trouble of letting go of the past. The girl whom i thought i was beautiful, i was so just myself, sweet and loved life, i lost my innocent now.
You need time, and lots of time… it might takes years. its been 3 years for me and things gets better very very slowly. But i hope you do have a great support behind and be open to people (only to those whom cares about you) because when you don’t be careful, it will make you feel worse.
There are so much to even discuss about this, its more than just a normal experience. Its definately unbalance spiritually. There are blockages that needs to flow through body, if you have heard of chakras.
Kirsty, try your best to let yourself feel how you are feeling… remember to be kind to who you are. Don’t binge eat, don’t so certain things that is letting yourself go. Because when you gain feelings again, trust me you will look back like i did and wish that you’ve never let yourself go, because now you have to work hard to gain the physical aspect again. Please ask more, as i have no idea what to specially answer <3 Much love to you, you are definately entering a different phase in life that MANY PEOPLE won’t have a chance to. And once you heal, you can use this to help others. Because this is such a deep end, its hopeless and dark and absolute emptiness. But time will heal you, i promise 🙂 Keep up that smile even when you don’t feel it. Remember each day is a chance, even if you don’t feel it.. one day, you will! Keep believing and stay true to who you were.. that kind and loving Kirty.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Luna.