Dear Tatjana:

You are welcome.

You wrote: “I was more ashamed of him finding out I eat cold food at inappropriate times, standing up in the kitchen. I don’t want him to think I’m a freak”-

it is you who thought: “I am a freak!” You projected that thought to him. He may have thought nothing of that sort. Maybe he thought: she must be hungry. Maybe he thought something else. I don’t know, but neither do you unless he tells you and honestly.

Thing is, you were telling yourself that you are a freak before he showed up, only the voice in your head telling you that was weaker in the background, while your focus was, I am supposing, on the pleasure of eating. Correct?

If so, then notice that for as long as you disapprove of your own behavior, that behavior needs to be stopped whether or not you are observed by another person. You are always there to observe and comment on your own behavior. And so, your behavior has to be okay with you.

anita

You are welcome, Tatjana. I very much agree with what you wrote above, I thought very similar to what you expressed last after my last post to you and before reading your most recent.

anita

Dear Tatjana:

You are welcome and thank you. As to your post before last, it stimulated my thinking and I would like to develop what you wrote more, in my own mind as I share with you.

You wrote: “The behaviour is partly wrong, and then partly not wrong (especially when i’m eating when hungry, or eating so called “forbidden foods). So sometimes… the behaviour should stop, as you said. But sometimes, it’s the judging that needs to stop”

My thinking: in my disordered (over)eating, I am accepting that it is okay (what you called “normal”) to want to feel good, which is what my overeating is about. It feels good, especially sweetness. It is okay for me to want to feel good. Looking back at my life, I suffered so much, felt badly so often and so overwhelmingly, no wonder I wanted then and want still to feel good. I think that this is the message behind my overeating: wanting to feel good.

The motivation to overeat is not a bad motivation. It is a good motivation, understandable. Looking at the bigger picture, it doesn’t feel good to be bloated (one consequence of overeating). That feels bad. So keeping this consequence in mind, I will not judge myself as I used to do (“stop overeating! From now on you will …!!). Instead I will apply the empathetic approach:

I want to feel good. I understand. Well, I will do my best to feel good: I will pay attention to my eating so that I do enjoy it and do what I can to prevent being bloated as a result and prevent gaining weight as a result as well, so that I do indeed feel good all around.

anita