My point of view on it is that there are some people who lie want to protect others’ feelings whereas some people lie to protect their own feelings because of some fear and insecurity in them. It depends on the situation they are in.

I’m not sure if this fits cohesively under another category, but I know someone who verbally attacks people, often with lies, in order to deflect attention and/or minimize something they did. Gun to a knife fight, kind of thing. Most people aren’t good at lying off-the-cuff, and this person isn’t, but it doesn’t stop them and their attacks and lies are brutal.

This might not be the best example, but it’s the first that comes to mind, probably b/c it ended up a four-hour “gun fight” and was the first instance of me beginning to lose compassion for this (past) friend. I’ll call her Peg. Another person in the scenario will be Kit.

I offered to take Peg out to lunch at a casino. The second she opened my car door, she began complaining about Kit with fury. Unbeknownst to me, in the moments leading up to me calling her with the invite, Peg and Kit had had an interaction that set Peg off.

Peg told me that Kit asked if she could have the $100 she loaned Peg several months earlier. Peg claimed Kit said it was a gift so Peg would have more money to spend on a three-day vacation. (Note: Peg is absolutely HORRIBLE at repaying anything…money, favors, etc., but when something is due her and doesn’t get it, she will dog, dog, dog you.) I’m buying the story that the $100 was a gift….

I bought the story until Peg slipped and said she didn’t have $87 to pay her back. Wait–where’s $87 coming from?, I asked, to which Peg replied that she’d given Kit $40 one day to pick up something for her, and when Kit tried to give her the $13 in change back, Peg said to put it toward the loan. Here is where she got caught in the lie.

She lied to make herself look like a victim while making the person who helped her out the bad guy–common behavior of hers.

(Once she realized she’d exposed the lie, she turned her attack on me. And a good time was had by all, lol.)

Initially, her lie about the money included an attack on Kit’s character (Peg: Kit gave me that money as a gift then months later withdraws the offer–who does that kind of thing–a person with problems, that’s who.)

Whenever Peg was caught in a lie, she just dug her heels in. You’d end up being frustrated with her and embarrassed for her at the same time.

Oh…here’s a funny one:

She found a cough drop wrapper on the floor one day and crabbed that all she does is pick up cough drop wrappers all over the house (not true). I said, “Let’s hope that’s the worst that happens today,” to which she yelled at me about how often she finds tiny pieces of my chewing gum all over her house including the couch—like I’d be too stupid to know if gum fell out of my mouth, not just once but repeatedly. 🙂

(I was at her house a lot b/c her husband and I worked together, and Peg and I became fast friends. After three years I had to walk away, from her and the job.)

Somehow, we all get damaged…usually at the hands of damaged people who possess little to no self-reflection. I’m sorry a person who was to protect you fed you to her inner-beast. I often think of how hard life must be for those like your mother, but without self-reflection, they can’t possibly know how much harder they make things not only on themselves but those around them.

Did you/do you have an adult relationship with her?

As for “how dare Kit take away my comfort and pleasure at keeping the money,” that’s not really it. Whenever Peg was confronted with a problem she herself created, she’d attack; I’ve never known her to hold herself responsible for anything, so being called on anything infuriates her. And this aspect sounds like your mom.

For example, you tell your partner that you like his new haircut because you don’t want to hurt his feelings by telling the truth that you really hate his new haircut.

I tend to bypass any direct comment about a haircut, change in hair color, etc. by gauging their reaction first…if they seem to like it and I think it’s wretched, I enthusiastically ask, “You like it?!” or “Is it what you wanted / were thinking of?”

If they press me, I tend to refer to another haircut or color that I preferred and may make a reference why. (Your last cut was a softer cut and emphasized your whatever.)

I had two mind-blowing experiences with one person about this type of thing. I was careful the first time, to no good end, and kept my mouth shut the second time, also to no good end.

So…in regard to the original question of this thread, why people lie, what about when we tell only part of the truth.

1) Are we lying when we tell a partial truth?

2) How many of the reasons we lie are the same reasons we tell a partial truth?