Home→Forums→Health and Fitness→Why do I feel so guilty this time?
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November 4, 2021 at 9:55 am #388169AndrewParticipant
Hello, I have recently been going through a really hard time.I lost my dad in 2017 and now my mom is in a care home at a early age and she will be never able to come back home. During the time my mum went to hospital my sister emotionally abused me everyday making me feel worthless and I have also lost my house and is now staying with a friend. Where it began, because I had lost my house and then had to move in with my friend, one day my friend caught covid which meant I had to isolate and could not go out for 10 days. I have a girlfriend so I think you get the picture of what happened. I was feeling bored so I decided to watch porn and this isn’t the first time I’ve watched porn although I’ve been trying to cut it down and give it up because I always felt bad for watching it. Back to the story I went on to watch it and afterwards I felt really bad, ashamed, disgusted, guilty and terrible. I didn’t stop feeling that way it got so bad that I wanted to hand myself into the police literally just for watching porn something I have been doing for years! I think because in my mind I keep thinking what If I did something bad or what if I typed in something bad when I was on there or what if I watched a video that would send me to prison. What I don’t understand is that I’ve never felt like this before in my whole entire life up until this point, up until my life started to crumble with bad news left right and centre and my sister making me feel worthless and scared. I’ve spoken to people about it and they tell me it’s nothing to worry about and that everyone does it. But why can’t I get over it! I still feel bad about it and if I get judged then that’s understandable. Ever since I felt like that I’ve decided not to watch porn again. If anyone can read this carefully and try to help me understand it will be helpful. Thank you
November 4, 2021 at 10:17 am #388176AnonymousGuestDear Andrew:
Regarding you watching porn: “I’ve watched porn although I’ve been trying to cut it down and give it up because I always felt bad for watching it. Back to the story I went on to watch it and afterwards I felt really bad, ashamed, disgusted, guilty and terrible“-
– reads to me that for you to resolve your always-feeling-bad and terrible, your shame, disgust and guilt in regard to watching porn, it will be way easier for you to stop watching porn altogether than it would be to continue to watch it while trying hard to not feel badly about it. I would vote therefore on you giving up the practice.
Regarding you having been emotionally abused by your sister: how long has this been going on, if I may ask: at what age were you when she started abusing you, and in what forms has she been abusing you?
anita
November 4, 2021 at 10:32 am #388177AndrewParticipantThank you for the reply, I started getting emotionally abused by my sister when my mum first went into hospital 5 months ago, and still continued until I decided to block her because it was getting too much. The last time I watched porn was In July and haven’t watched it since. What I don’t understand is why I panicked about watching it and started to think about all these negative thoughts of what I could of done even though I’ve watched it before and was fine and why still haven’t I got over it. Why do I feel like I’ve done something so bad that I need to punish myself that I nearly ended up going to the police over something so silly even though I’ve spoken about it to people and they’ve said everyone does it it’s normal.
November 4, 2021 at 10:53 am #388179AnonymousGuestDear Andrew:
“recently.. I lost my dad in 2017 and now my mom is in a care home at a early age.. During the time my mum went to hospital my sister emotionally abused me.. and I have also lost my house.. I was feeling bored so I decided to watch porn… What I don’t understand is why I panicked about watching it.. even though I’ve watched it before and was fine.. Why do I feel like I’ve done something so bad that I need to punish myself that I nearly ended up going to the police over something so silly”-
– reads to me that what happened was that you felt like a bad person for either losing your father, and/ or for allowing your mother to live in a care home instead of living with you (and for having lost your house where she could live with you). Maybe your abusive sister accused you of being a bad son.. a bad brother (?). All together, all your guilt in regard to your family members happened to concentrate on that one event of watching porn.
And even though you didn’t watch porn since July this year, the guilt of failing your family members haunt you still. You feel like you’ve “done something so bad”, which is leaving your mother at a care home (?), and you believe that you need to punish yourself for it. Do you think that this is what is happening?
anita
November 4, 2021 at 12:00 pm #388182AndrewParticipantLosing my house wasn’t up to me, and my mum going to a care home also wasn’t my fault. Because of her condition it’s not physically possible for her to come home because of the care she needs. she has to go to care home because she needs care 24/7. I don’t think I have ever gotten over losing my dad but my sister emotionally abusing me for a long period of time just didn’t help.
November 4, 2021 at 12:18 pm #388183AnonymousGuestDear Andrew:
I am still looking for the reason you feel guilty, the reason you feel like a bad person who needs to be punished: I am glad to read that you do not feel guilty about your mother living in home care, or about losing your house
So now I wonder, do you feel guilty regarding the death of your father. Is it that you feel guilty regarding your father: maybe you feel that you were not a good son when he was alive.. maybe you feel guilty about his death back in 2017?
OR your guilt may have something to do with the nature of the abuse inflicted on you by your sister.. what did she accuse you of, or criticize you about?
anita
November 4, 2021 at 12:25 pm #388184AndrewParticipantI was a good son towards my dad even though we didn’t have the best of relationships at times. I think I feel guilty because I’ve always wanted to stop watching porn because I am a Christian and I know it’s bad. Also after all these bad events that have happened to me I just want to live a perfect peaceful life. After I watched porn I felt like I made a massive mistake and that I need to fix this mistake I’ve made so that I can live this peaceful perfect life I so wish to live because I’m tired of bad things happening to me. And like I said my sister emotionally abusing a lot just didn’t help the situation I think she broke me.
November 4, 2021 at 12:42 pm #388185AnonymousGuestDear Andrew:
I do wish for you “to live a perfect peaceful life“, as much as is possible for you. Reads to me that to move toward this goal, you need to (1) have no contact with your sister and to (2) reach out to a loving, supportive Christian church for help regarding your guilt. For a while I attended a born-again Christian church whose pastor openly shared that he used to be “addicted to porn”, as he phrased it. Maybe you can find a pastor who also used to be engaged in a behavior he felt guilty for, and who managed to stop that behavior and resolve his guilt!
anita
November 4, 2021 at 1:29 pm #388187AndrewParticipantThank you for taking your time to respond to me. I shall try everything in my power to resolve the situation and to keep my sister out of my life because all she brings is pain and fear. May God bless you too thank you.
November 4, 2021 at 1:35 pm #388188AnonymousGuestYou are welcome, Andrew, and thank you for wishing me to be blessed- I wish you the same!
anita
November 6, 2021 at 5:53 pm #388244Warna Cat MinimalisParticipantSame, I also lost my father in this year. But we know, life in this world is not eternal. All will return to God Almighty. In our belief, everything in this world will return to God, just waiting for the queue of death. So death has been ordained by God, so there is no one to blame, including my family. All of that will make us understand and our hearts become calmer.
December 9, 2021 at 7:45 am #389620AnonymousGuestHow are you, Andrew?
anita
December 9, 2021 at 8:58 am #389627AndrewParticipantThank you for checking up on me, not good my mum passed away on Monday so that’s my mum and dad taken away from me so I am really struggling at the moment but it’s life. I’m on the waiting list to speak to a therapist so I hope that helps. Guess I just have to try and be strong even though it’s really hard. How are you?
December 9, 2021 at 9:24 am #389631AnonymousGuestDear Andrew:
Good to read back from you. I am sorry for your loss: the loss of your mother only 3 days ago, and the loss of your father back in 2017. I hope the waiting list for you to see a therapist is not too long. If posting here so to express yourself, getting my feedback- if that helps, you are welcome to express yourself here anytime. Thank you for asking about me: I am fine, a bit bored though. It’s been raining here a lot.
anita
December 9, 2021 at 10:06 am #389635AndrewParticipantI use to be such a happy soul, now I just have a lot of pain, fear and worry In my life and I’m scared I’ll never be the same person ever again. Got you are okay What country are you from?
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