Hi Lace

It’s really positive that you have identified this trait in yourself. In my experience the vast majority of people with this tendency don’t even realise they are doing it, so you are already a long way towards sorting it out.

In very simple terms, I think it comes from the fact that people are generally nice to you if you’ve had a hard time, whilst if nothing out of the ordinary has happened to you people will ignore you or expect more of you. By playing the victim, you can get sympathy, you have a ready made excuse if you screw up or don’t do as much as someone else, and people will pay attention to you.

The big problem with it is, it is a short term gain with long-term negative consequences. Firstly, those people who are supportive of you will soon get bored and fed up of it once they start to realise that there is not much substance to what you are saying.So you end up constantly having to move on to new friends, who naturally sympathise at first, until they too wise up.

Secondly, it actually gives your problems a positive value to you. If being in a bad situation results in others being nice to you, how hard are you really going to try to get out of the bad situation?

But more importantly and more damaging, is the effect that it has on your own self-esteem. You can start to believe your own propaganda, make excuses to yourself, and ultimately create problems in your life purely to get the sympathy you crave.

When you look at really inspiring people, they have usually overcome the most dreadful problems not by seeking sympathy but by seeking ways through their issues. They may seek help, but rarely sympathy. That’s because they understand that others will happily support those who try to help themselves in far more positive ways, and for far longer, than those who just want the sympathy.

So the way you are feeling is not unusual, and actually quite normal human behaviour in many respects. The problem comes, as with most things in life, when it starts to become too comfortable and a habit. This is what you have identified, which as I say is an excellent start.

The easiest way to change any behaviour is to replace it with a different one. In your case, my first suggestion would be to set out with a different approach. So if your problem is, say, ill health, instead of seeking sympathy, tell others what you intend to do to conquer it. If it’s a bad knee, say how you are planning to get it sorted so you can do a charity walk in three months. That way, you still get a positive reaction, but it is people being impressed by your resolve instead of sympathy (which is limited in supply).

If the problem is financial, set out what you intend to do to improve your situation. You will find that people are more supportive than you think. It’ll feel different, certainly, but it will be much longer lasting, and do wonders for your feeling of self-esteem.

About 15 years ago I ended up in hospital, unfit and considerably overweight with pneumonia brought about by a combination of serious work and family issues. The doctors suggested I should take medication for the rest of my life. I could easily have soaked up a lot of sympathy and given up, blaming my health. Instead I responded by losing 50lbs in the next three three months so I didn’t need medication, and running a marathon exactly a year later. The goodwill and support I got from that has lasted far, far longer than any sympathy would have done – and I have been able to enjoy myself much more too.

You are on the way – take it step by step, and you will find a much brighter destination as a problem-solver than as a sympathy-junkie.

Good luck!