Home→Forums→Relationships→Why Did He Talk To Me Only After I Blocked Him?
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June 27, 2018 at 10:12 am #214445
AnonymousGuestDear Lisa:
Your following understanding of this man includes the following which is all believable to me: that he is handsome, very intelligent, an expert in some areas, that he is cultured, at least, in my mind, as far as table manners go and clothing, that he has lots of friends on Facebook, and that he is “well established in his career” if his career does not involve the necessity of having social interactions in person. If his career let’s say requires that he gives speeches, as in monologues (but does not require him to have conversations with people) and if his expertise is so rare that his lack of social skills is overlooked.
I can see how he would be excellent at a career that does not require social interactions and instead requires adherence to a protocol of behavior, a rigid routine, a rigid structure.
I can believe he has FB friends because that does not require social interactions in person.
Are you sure that he is well established in his career and am I correct regarding my assumptions about his career?
anita
June 27, 2018 at 10:14 am #214447AnonymousGuest* didn’t reflect under Topics
June 27, 2018 at 10:31 am #214455
LisaParticipantHi, anita,
Yes. Please believe me when I say that he is very well established in his career and his career mostly involves talking to/interacting with people at all times. He has a job to do and does it well but I don’t think he is so great at cultivating personal connections despite what it may have looked like to me on FB. As you say, this is an area where he personally struggles. When we were on our trip the times he most engaged us was when we discussed the sites we visited. Outside of that, he was pretty awkward and standoffish which is why I was so shocked when he asked me those questions/asked me to sit with him for dinner/showed up at the airport, etc.
Anywho, it’s clear that I am wasting my time. Talking about these things helps me to process which ultimately helps me to rid it of my system. I think he is broken and can probably never be the man that I would want him to be anyway.
June 27, 2018 at 10:43 am #214461AnonymousGuestDear Lisa:
I hope you do meet the man who is right for you. Post again if you’d like, on this matter or on any other.
anita
June 27, 2018 at 12:40 pm #214485LisaParticipantThank you, anita.
I appreciate all of your help.
June 28, 2018 at 5:05 am #214541AnonymousGuestYou are welcome, Lisa. Anytime.
anita
September 2, 2018 at 3:29 am #224043LisaParticipantHi Anita,
Do you remember me? As I am still processing this situation and getting it out of my system, I just wanted to add one more bit for possibly more clarity?
This guy is also older/White (and a Reverend) and I am younger/Black.
Do you think that makes a difference? With his behavior and all?
September 2, 2018 at 4:03 am #224047AnonymousGuestDear Lisa:
Yes. I remember you, welcome back. So he is a Reverend, Christian, I suppose, older, handsome, cultured, world traveled, many friends in Facebook, “well respected within his circle/the community” and yet he acts … weird, in a way that would make me think he wouldn’t have many friends and wouldn’t be respected within the community. I am puzzled too, as I was before. You brought up the fact that he is white and you are black, wondering if it has anything to do with it.
It may have some part in his unexplained behavior if you are the only black people in the church or in the group of people in church who went on that trip, or if you are the only young woman who is black in church. Are you?
anita
September 2, 2018 at 4:27 am #224049LisaParticipantHi anita,
Thank you so much for responding.
Yes, on the trip there were about 30 of us and only 4 of us were Black, all women, two older (Seniors) and the other who was a bit closer to my age. I spoke up a lot on the trip, asking questions, sharing insights and thoughts on political/refugee issues, etc.
Yes, he is a Christian and I know he’s been around Black/Brown/People of color before. Not sure if he has any close friends or anything like that, but he seems to get along with everyone and what he does for work he encounters all types of people at all times.
One more thing to note so that I get it all out of my head; There was a moment on the trip when myself and the other three Black women saw a Black Soldier and began talking with him (we were always excited to see one of our own) after we were done talking, moments later the Reverend comes over starts talking with the soldier too, and then calls me over. When I walk over he introduces me to the soldier and then starts to give me his stats “his name is, he is a Christian…blah, blah, blah…like huh?
It was awkward and I found it extremely weird. It’s almost like he was trying to make a connection between myself and the soldier…buy why? Honestly, deep in my gut I think he was trying to gauge if I was into Black guys/this type of guy. I just stood there looking dumbfounded and didn’t really say much to the soldier again because I wasn’t attracted to him. Ah well, just going over stuff in my head.
September 2, 2018 at 4:47 am #224051AnonymousGuestDear Lisa:
I don’t understand. You read like a reasonable, logical person, your story is consistent, believable and according to it his behavior is weird, bringing about those “huh?”
The interaction with the soldier causes me to speculate (and it is a speculation, a guess), that he is sexually attracted to you, and that he is experiencing a conflict between his rational thinking and his sexual desires, that he is not at peace, that there is a big gap between his identity as a Christian and a Reverend on one hand, and as a man on the other. And then the race seems to have part of this gap, that is, he is attracted to a black woman, probably has added conflict as a result. Sort of he is a rational reverend on one hand and a sexually stimulated man/animal on the other and he doesn’t know how these two things go together.
What do you think?
anita
September 2, 2018 at 4:56 am #224055LisaParticipantHi anita,
I think you are right. He is conflicted. I think I was a different breed for him and he was trying to make sense of it all/me as I of him. I guess a man will be a man but the soldier part was indeed weird. Kiddish. Like, who does that? I guess age is just a number as he doesn’t seem to have much experience with women, either. Something like a man-child.
Also, I am not here to be used for anyone’s sexual desires so if he was only after one thing it would never of happened anyway!
I am just trying to solve what seems like a puzzle as this is on my mind constantly but I know I will release it soon/eventually (not my first go ’round.) I guess the bigger issue is how do I get out of this pattern? It’s always the same…with guys like this. They initially see me only for sex and then they get a BIG surprise…can’t handle it. Game on. I always say, don’t fall in love. HAHA.
September 2, 2018 at 5:18 am #224057AnonymousGuestDear Lisa:
In nature and in human society, males have a stronger sexual need and desire than females because the male aims at getting as many females pregnant with his sperm as possible while the female is looking for just one male, the strongest looking/ sounding male. She gets pregnant only once and is done. The male gets her pregnant but is still in the quest of getting more females pregnant. Therefore biologically he has more of a sexual drive.
The Reverend, he is a male, so much of the time he walks around being a Reverend he has these urges going on. So he sees the soldier, see that you talked to the soldier, that he is black and so are you, and he is thinking sex. Next he s trying to encourage … a copulation, basically between you and the soldier, reacting to his own sexual stimulation that way.
As the young woman that you are, if I was you, being a young, single woman, that is, I wouldn’t take men’s sexual interest personally, as if it is disrespectful of me. I would take it as men being born that way, like other animals, born with a strong sexual drive to mate with as many females as possible. With certain morals, some men mate with only one. But they really want to, or wish to mate with many more, generally speaking. We have to accept this reality.
anita
September 2, 2018 at 5:42 am #224059LisaParticipantThank you, anita,
I know I shouldn’t be offended when guys are sexually interested in me, but if that’s all they want, as a woman, it can be a little hurtful.
The more I think about it, this guy could also be on the Spectrum.
Thank you again for assisting me. As always, you have been a great help.
September 2, 2018 at 5:58 am #224061AnonymousGuestDear Lisa:
You are welcome.
A few more thoughts: I wouldn’t be offended by a man’s sexual interest but I wouldn’t be flattered either. It is very important to determine a man’s motivation and honesty or lack of, in this regard.
My rule of honesty is that whatever I say has to be true. I don’t say everything that I think and feel, but what I do say is true and none of what I say is meant to mislead and dishonestly manipulate another.
Respect is very important. Many men see women as sexual objects to use for their sexual satisfaction and that is humiliating. So yes, I would stay away from men who think of women that way.
anita
September 2, 2018 at 6:08 am #224063AnonymousGuest* didn’t reflect under Topics
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