Thank you! I’m just wondering why he would bring up his ex’s though..
but I’ve also come to notice that when we do argue he doesn’t seem like he wants to talk about it but his actions shows that he didn’t ignore it and tries to change. But we shall see..
I also feel bad, because we agreed to date other people, and I have, but he hasn’t.

Hi Anita!

Wow… I’m left in awe on how you analyzed it.

But that is correct, I guess we aren’t like twins. Even though we are still so very much alike yet not. He is rather proud to call me his twin.

Maybe your right about that. The fact he wants a girlfriend but is scared of it ending. He keeps telling me that all good things must come to an end. And they way he describes his ex’s were that 50% were bad 50% were good, and the good ones got separated on mutual terms and if he got a chance to be with them again he would. I guess this is the part were my heart sank.
I understand that our arrangement was that of friends with benefits, but I didn’t realise that talking from dawn till dusk would make me so attached to him. I even explained that to him at one point, that I’d like my space so I could stop liking him, but he didn’t let me.

To be honest, I’m seriously confused. I dont know how to proceed anymore. I tried not having any expectations of it becoming anything more, but… he tells me things that a guy in love would say, then turn around and push me away with harsh comments(not all at once).
I enjoy what we have, we dont go on dates but I’m okay with that, I simply enjoy his company.. so why does he simply go 180°.
This is probably where his fear of not wanting to lose some one but why does he insist that I go on dates and act a little jealous when I do?
I seriously dont know what to think of this anymore, its been 4 months… and I feel like I dont want to be like all the other girls he has dated, but he just seems scared to want to take my heart and give me his..

Thank you!

Hi Anita,

I don’t understand how its a love relationship when he keeps pushing me into other peoples arms for dates? And he finds dates troublesome and time consuming. But how are we in a relationship?
I personally have never been in one, if I have they only lasted 2 months, he has had 5 relationships.

At first that’s what he would do, but if there was something wrong like an argument I’d always ask him to communicate, because I want to understand what he is feeling and why. So he has been opening up and communicating things better, I think ..or I’m hoping so. I try to stay the calm one, because theirs no point in getting all riled up, which I guess makes him less abrupt about it. We were arguing recently and he said “end of discussion”, I told him that it hurts every time he says that and it felt like he didn’t care how I felt, or let me explain myself properly. After that he opened up and told me what was wrong. Which is a great improvement!

I just wished he would stop pushing me away. I told him before that I just simply enjoy what we have, and enjoy being around him, and I dont need any title’s. He agreed, yet still pushes ne away. Although I haven’t said anything to him about it, I feel like it wouldn’t be right when he is probably thinking of his feelings for me.

Thank you so much for your help!
Jessica

Dear Anita,

Sorry for not replying, things with him seemed to be normal. Oh, don’t worry about abusive relationship or anything of the sort, I have no tolerance for that sort of thing.

It’s just, although you say I’m in a relationship, whatever the nature of it is, I am actually quite happy with him, and I’ve learnt to try and not have any expectations from him. I don’t care if we go on dates or anything, which we haven’t.
But I’m just not sure where i stand with him, I’m even more confused than before.

In the past couple days we have gotten really close, and he started telling me things that I believe he doesn’t really tell people about, I think. Either way, we have gotten quite close but last night, I had a date, and when he asked me what I was doing later that evening, I told him, Shopping with my friend and I have something at 8. He asked if it was a date, and I said yes, he got very offended at the fact I didn’t tell him straight up, and how I never tell him these things, why am I hiding it from him, and how if he were to call me and I didn’t pick up how upset he would be. In the meantime, I was simply thinking that its only a first date with this other guy, and it might not even be worth mentioning to him after, if there was no connection with the guy or anything, which at the end of the date, there was nothing, no connection and no interest on my end, so I don’t see why I should tell him? The date was boring. I really don’t get why he freaked out on me, then when I agreed to tell him next time he said, “don’t bother, its irritated me, you go hangout on your date or whatever, I don’t care.”

Like seriously? I’m thrown back a little by this. I’ve also noticed in the past 2 weeks or so he no longer has been saying couple like things anymore. So when this happened, I really don’t understand him and such a 180 degree change. I thought he started seeing me more as a friend or sister just with sex on the side.

He is so confusing.. or is it just me?

Thank you!

Dead Anita:

Confusion is part of being lost…

Yes, I think I will write it out more clearly my problems in that way, I myself can understand.

My problems in this relationship are:

1. We are friends with benefits, but we don’t act like it. We don’t text each other only when we want sex, but instead we talk to each other every day from dawn to dusk and we say the sweetest things to each other. He even said that, he would like to be in this type of relationship for a long time to come.

2. I have told him early on in the relationship that I like him, and would like to spend some time away, or minimize the amount of time we talk to each other. He didn’t want and got upset.

3. I tried to set up normal rules for friends with benefits for when we have sex, he thought it would limit our enjoyment of being with each other.. So I opened up.

4. Maybe its just me, but on a couple occasions, he mentions his ex’s and how he is still very much attached to them, and if he could go back with his recent ex, he would in a heart beat because she was perfect. <- His actual words. Which of course hurts me, although I didn’t say anything and just agreed. He also isn’t in contact with them.

5. I’m okay with not going on dates with him and only seeing him for sex, but I hate how he keeps pushing me away to have dates with other men( I do go on dates though with other men), but i am required to tell him and he gets upset afterwards and doesn’t want anything to do with them. I(Now this problem took place 2 days ago. We haven’t really been on each others good side.. We still talk, but its very short and angry, but I try to release that, and send him things to make him smile. Although when he does end up smiling, he says its because of something else. ) I just want to tell him that I don’t want to see other men, but… I’m scared of his reaction because he is pushing me to go to them.

6. I don’t understand his reactions to things.

I’m even more lost than I was before and it kinda scares me because, although I enjoy what we have, it does seem like its becoming into a relationship

Thank you very much Anita for your patience.

I’ve been denying myself that feeling of wanting to be with him, because I’m scared that the moment I actually do want to be with him, I’ll get demanding and wanting to go on dates, and see him more. When he has no time right now what so ever, his work is so busy and personal life is hectic. I just don’t want to impose on him these feelings. That and we live quite far from each other and we both live with roommates, but I will be moving out in February to get a place of my own. He was rather happy about that, and said he would come over almost every night.

But to answer all the above questions, no I don’t want to be friends with benefits, I want to be only his and him only mine.
Which is why I don’t want to date other people, I mean, I know there are great guys out there, and I might just be settling for something that might turn into absolute heartache.

I don’t want to change what we have though, because its nice and it really works well for the both of us. And I know he isn’t seeing or dating another girl, cause he usually would straightly tell me.

I guess I’m scared of losing him, because I don’t know where I stand. If it was clear that it was just friends with benefits, then okay, I can keep my feelings to myself and date other men without feeling guilty and actually would want to. But he’s also pulling me towards a relationship type of relations. So I’m torn, he could leave me at a moments notice but yet he still wants all the perks of a girlfriend.. And its eating away at me. My feelings for him and my fear of him leaving. It really really sucks.

Thank you Anita for your help. I have a feeling that I will have to talk to him about this. I am meeting him Saturday hopefully. I might want to talk to him then. I’m just scared of the result