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Why am I finding it so difficult to let go of someone who continuously hurts me?

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  • June 21, 2016 at 1:39 pm #107866
    strawberrygrrrrl
    Participant

    Hi everyone.

    I’m new to this website, however I have been following tinybuddhas facebook page for around 3 years now.

    I’m a 23 year old female and I live in South Yorkshire, England.

    I have recently stopped seeing someone who I was seeing for 3 years, since May 2013. My feelings eventually became stronger and I recently realised that I am in love with this person. I am very close to them and they have played a big part in my life. For example, I suffer with depression and anxiety and they are pretty much the only friend of mine who knows what’s going on in depth. However, a lot of the time they can be quite nasty with me. They make out I am controlling by wanting to speak to them? In their own words, if I pop up on facebook or send a text saying ‘hi’, they genuinely think I’m trying to check up on them, when in reality, I’m just saying hello and wanting a conversation! I personally think they are in control of me, for example, I am not allowed to speak to them everyday and if ringing, am only allowed to ring twice and that’s it.

    I know, deep deep down, that I deserve happiness and to be with someone who treats and loves me with respect. I think about this every single day, but the thing is I am SO ridiculously attached to this person. We have a million and one memories and I really don’t want them out of my life, ever. They have said to me loads of times that they care about me and if I threaten to walk out of their life, they tell me not to go and that they still want me around. The thing is, as I said before, I know that I deserve happiness but I am finding it extremely difficult to let go of my feelings of this person. I cannot emphasise anymore on how much this person plays such a huge part in my life and they probably know a lot more about me than my own Mother does! I’m becoming physically and mentally exhausted with this situation and it really doesn’t help when I’m already battling with depression and anxiety.

    I’m just asking if anyone, anyone at all, has any tips or guidance on how to let go. I really do mean it when I say I am finding it EXTREMELY difficult to let go of my feelings for this person. When I am alone and start thinking about the possibility of meeting someone new and having feelings for someone else, it sometimes can trigger off anxiety attacks for me.

    Thank you to anyone who reads this. I appreciate any helpful comments.

    June 21, 2016 at 2:42 pm #107882
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear strawberrygrrrrl:

    Glad you posted here. I need to understand if you are trying to end contact with this person?

    Or are you trying to keep in contact but feel less attached to him/ her?

    Also, you wrote this person has been nasty to you and hurt you but you didn’t write anything that was abusive done by that person. Maybe the person was trying to set healthy limits with you, not wanting you calling/ ringing him/ her too often. This is not nastiness, but desirable and healthy limit setting. What is the nature of the person being nasty to you, in your view?

    anita

    June 22, 2016 at 4:41 am #107922
    Abbey
    Participant

    Firstly, I’d like to give you a virtual hug. I hope that helps you calm down a bit, because hugs do that to me. I, too, have this person who has been abusive of my kindness and love for him. And this has been happening for 5 years already. Honestly, I woke up today crying still because of him. It’s bemusing how we can be extremely attached to someone who doesn’t see us the same way we see them.

    Travelling and making new friends have helped me take him off my mind for some time. The only problem I see why I haven’t completely moved on is because this person is still in my life. We may not talk everyday but he’s still here. And every time he hurts me again, it’s like, all the travelling and new friendships thing all go down the drain. He still has that much power over me.

    I don’t know if I’m right to give advice given my situation. But I want you be to strong. To be able to resist him and put more value on your well-being. If the thought of having feelings for someone else triggers anxiety, try to be more in control of your emotions. Think of the next person you meet as just a new friend. Not a replacement for him. Try travelling solo and meet total strangers. Make friends here in this community. Repeat this until you are busier with your new company, until you lose time for him, until you forget about him.

    You are right to think you deserve love, respect and happiness. We really do. We all do.

    June 22, 2016 at 12:09 pm #107959
    Evan
    Participant

    Hi Strawberrygrrrrl,

    Thank you for sharing your story, and you ask a valid point of “How to let go?”

    Funny thing is as I read this I realised within myself an aspect of what it meant. My own belief structure has been that once you let something go, that you should never be affected by it again, and if you are, then you have not truly let go. Live with the pain, but not allow it to affect you (etc)…..

    Yet…. throw a big rock into a pond….. the stone settles to the bottom almost instantly (reality) but the water is churned up for some time to come (thoughts/emotions). The goal is not to be rid of your thoughts/feelings/attachments, but to understand and recognise they are there, and continue on your walk around the pond. Most of us keep throwing more rocks into the pond trying to ‘fix’ things, without realising what we are doing, and why we feel trapped to our past, or current circumstance. The water will settle all by itself, if we allow them to be, and realise they do not define us.

    Also, there are many things that happen during a relationship that is simply not visible to the eye. Energetic connections, on the physical, psychological, spiritual levels, and the mind can not make sense of them. The reason many people say listen to your heart, is that the heart can understand, but it doesn’t speak in words. Its language is via feelings or impulses.

    Try to feel what you need for yourself, and not what your mind/emotions are telling you. Moving forward does not have to make sense your mind at present, nor do you have to justify why you are choosing to do what you do. As long as you are moving toward love, and self love, and self acceptance, then the direction is correct.

    Toward love or away from love….. 🙂

    Best

    Evan

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