Hi Annie

First of I would like to say that you are not the only one with this problem. I am a guy and I WAS having this problem with my girlfriend of 1 year as well. Funny thing is your post gave me answers to solve your problems.

First of all, you TRUST that he never cheated on you and gave you enough reasons to make you TRUST him. Whenever you feel angry about something he did or said, just try to reassure yourself of this trust you have on him. I do not know about others, but I believe trust is more important than love in a relationship. I am glad you have that covered.

Secondly, I love how you explained yourself to him and he actually understood you and sorted it out with you! I cant think of anything better to ask from a relationship than this. Both of you understand each other to fix a matter that could have ignited a fight in an unsuccessful relationship. So next time when you begin to feel resentful towards him about something, just tell him what’s bugging you.

Anger, hatred all of this terrible things are just inside the head, not in the heart. To get rid of that you need to constantly reassure yourself what a wonderful relation you have with your man. Try to do something together at least every week, that you both enjoy. For that week, for each day keep reminding yourself the wonderful time you spent with your guy. I believe this will reduce your unnecessary anger and suspicions greatly.

Finally, since its directed towards him only, I think it means you are constantly thinking only about him. If I am correct, stop thinking about him all the time. He is a human being and he needs time and space of his own just like you do. So pick up a hobby or activity that you can do and keep your attention away from the fact that you are constantly missing him.

If I may add my experience just to justify my opinions. I have a 1 year relation with a girl online, she lives couple thousand miles away from me. May not seem much lively or realistic to many people, but it is for me and my heart. I was and am already happy talking,chatting, texting, video calling, playing online games, drawing,watching movies,videos with her. The best thing we have between us is our TRUST, as I mentioned I value above all. Many people have been trying to convince me that online relations do not work and they are not realistic. Then regretfully I started having doubts like you, getting angry at her short responses, not spending time with me. She confronted me and said, do not run away from our problems, just tell me what’s bugging you. I explained it to her, the way I explained she should have cried cause I felt like breaking her heart. But this girl is so strong she took it to her guts and understood me and sorted it out just like how it worked with you. And she said the exact same thing, “tell me when you feel like this and we can talk it out” (will never forget these words). In fact, this incident happened with me just few weeks back, so I could instantly connect with your situation.

Hope sharing my opinions and experience helps with your problem as well. Good luck!

Wow, I am going through the same thing with my boyfriend! I am so glad I found this thread! 🙂

@sanna said:
That is – your boyfriend isn’t the cause of those feelings, but the messenger/mirror who makes it possible for you to face the things you need to process on to be happy.

This struck a chord with me but I don’t fully understand, if that makes any sense! What do you mean by “facing things you need to process on to be happy”. For example, my boyfriend has a crazy work schedule. Usually when I am asleep, I will wake up to find him gone fishing, and for some reason, I get very angry with him A. because he just up and left without a note. B. I get scared that maybe something has happened to him while he’s out at such odd hours. C. Although he’s never given me reason to believe he would cheat on me, my mind goes crazy with all these bad scenarios. So when he does finally come in, I am furious. We have a bad fight and end up sleeping separate when all he wanted to do was fish. I FEEL CRAZY. But I also feel like he should be wanted to be next to me since we hardly ever see each other anyway! I’ve even thought about breaking up just to save each of us the stress. But I love him so much. He even said he wants to marry me! But there is no way I could marry him when I freak out every time he wants time to himself.

P.s. It’s often said that when we choose a relationship, we also choose a certain set of “problems”. In a way it is true, and sometimes the problems in a certain relationship may be less tolerable than they would be in some other relationship.

But because relationships are always about mirroring each other, in every relationship we are set a chance to really look at ourselves and get to know the uncomfortable feelings we have. Where do they rise from – especially in the situation, where the other person doesn’t mean to harm us in purpose? What do they tell us about our selves? When are we acting in a controlling/abusive way without noticing it? Trying to control the other person/demanding things when the only thing we want to control is our own fear/pain – and the needs something the other person isn’t responsible over (“feeling special”).

We all carry certain set of “problems” inside of ourselves too, and taking a proper look to the uncomfortable feelings we have is something all must do at some point. So to say, in every relationship the situation where problems arise may differ – but there is never gonna be a relationship that saves us from facing ourselves, both in good and bad. A conflict is always a possibility to learn more about ourselves – because nothing really harms us, if it doesn’t touch us somewhere deep inside.

OMG! I have the same problem with my boyfriend of almost 2 years. Though there are a few differences, everything is quite the same. I find anger take over my body the second he says he is seeing a friend. I even got mad the other day when his grandma got hit by a car and was in the hospital! I feel that i need professional help! Im scared! There are many differences, but he has cheated before, over a year ago, its been 2 years we are together now. I just feel i am scarred and can’t forget about it.I trusted him and was so deeply hurt by what he did. Also, when i have brought up the issue that i feel angry, he gets mad saying i don’t trust him or that i get angry too much and yells right back at me! HELP!!! what should i do?:(

Hi, I am currently living a similar situation. I find myself being often angry at my boyfriend, even when he is not with me. Every time he indulges into one of his habits that I don’t like, like smoking cigarettes, or weed, drinking beer or taking other substances. All habits that I try to avoid myself.  It kills me to see him do it because I feel like I have to fight twice to get passed these bad habits, first over myself and then over him. I am trying to cure a mononucleosis and am not feeling very well and need to take some time to cure myself and seeing him having all these bad habits just isn’t helping, and I can’t help but being mad at him for that. I also started having all these negative thoughts about him like maybe he is not as proactive and mature as I thought he was, sometimes I feel like I am his mother around the appartment (telling him we have to clean up or go to the groceries etc.) We started kinda living together three months ago after having met two months earlier and at first it seemed like a great idea and now I’m just not so sure about it… now he went back to work and live at his parents and we are not going to see for a few weeks, and that makes me feel more balanced (if that makes sense?), but I still feel sometimes angry at him when I think back about all the things that upsetted me the last week we spent together. And whenever I think about breaking up with him it makes me feel really sad because I really saw myself go through life with him, and he is still so supportive of me, and tells me he’s ready to change all of his bad habits to make me happy and keep me, but I don’t know why I still always find a way to be angry at him, or I’m not sure if he can be true to his words that he’s gonna change ?

Anyways, I don’t know what to do, I am not sure if it’s a problem coming from me ? Or is it just that I don’t love him enough ? I need to know because I don’t want to keep him waiting for me and keep his hopes up for me if I don’t feel as involved as him in the relationship? Or is it just a problem coming from myself related to the fact that I cannot solve my own problems created by my own bad habits?

i just don’t know what to do, and I don’t want to hurt him, and I feel like I would lose so much, someone that loves me sooo much if I’d break up with him, and still, if I go on with him, I don’t know how to make this feeling of anger disappear towards him, as I feel like he doesn’t deserve it at all !! Help me please !

Hi everyone, I would appreciate some help as I’m terrified that if I continue to act this way it will mean the end of my relationship.

So my boyfriend and I met last year February and were quite on and off last year as neither of knew what we wanted. I broke up with him, he broke up with me, but then at the beginning of this year, we found each other again and have been together ever since (almost 6 months now). Just some side information – I have never been the jealous or clingy type before him and its almost as if something has triggered and I now get so angry at him for no reason at all and cant snap myself out of my mood until I am alone and can think about everything, by then its too late and his annoyed with me for getting upset for no reason.

So you should know that there was an incident about 3 months ago where I came back early from a party that we were both attending and a wave of paranoia came over me. I was watching movies on his iPad and started going through his Instagram messages – where I found a lot of flirting from his side with girls I don’t know from when we had just got together in Feb 2019. I let it go because we were just starting again and thought that maybe he didn’t have much faith since we had been so on and off the previous year. I then went onto his app store to see if he had had tinder at a stage, it showed it had been downloaded before so I redownloaded it, logged in and saw that he had been chatting and flirting with girls a week before. obviously, I lost my shit and drove home at 1 am. He still swears to this day that his account was hacked by one of his friends and that it wasn’t him messaging those girls. I don’t believe him, but I have let it go to an extent because I don’t want us to break up. it sounds like I’m making excuses for his but he is the most amazing and thoughtful person most of the time, genuinely.

So now I see a picture of him with a girl, I see a girl in his videos on his story or he goes out with his friends instead of me, or he doesn’t even have to do anything and I’m in a mood with him. and i really try to notice it in time but its always too late.

i can see he is getting irritated with me when i get upset like this, and i think he has forgotten that i asked him to give me time to build up my trust again from the tinder incident (to which his response is usually; “i don’t think its fair that I’m being punished for something i didn’t do” where i know he’s lying).

Do you guys maybe have techniques that you use to calm yourself down before you say something you regret or start a fight for being angry for no reason? i would really appreciate any advice right now