Dear Luke:

When your wife repeatedly went out at night without you to dance and drink in clubs and after the clubs, she “ended up in random people’s apartments”, and within all that activity she and others were drinking alcohol and a guy grinded against her at least that one time, I’d say this was a practice fitting an open marriage, open at least on her end. I asked you yesterday if you were okay with that, and your answer was “Well, no”- well it shouldn’t have been the practice then. The two people in a marriage have to  be okay with an open marriage arrangement, not just one of the two.

You wrote: “But what am I going to do say she can’t go out with her friends?”- if going out with her friends meant going out in the daytime or early evening to the mall, or for a casual meal or coffee together, or go to a yoga class, sure, you shouldn’t have told her not to do that.

But meeting friends and strangers at night and into the early morning, starting in night clubs, drinking alcohol and dancing, and from the clubs proceeding to the apartments of those strangers so  to continue drinking and whatnot, that is a very different scenario.

“She said I was worrying over nothing because nothing happened”- well, when a person drinks alcohol throughout the night and into the early morning, surrounded by friends and strangers alike, dancing, at least  once grinding against another, well… such a context of activity is famous for a whole lot of things happening (vs “nothing happened”), I mean it is common knowledge.

anita

Dear Luke:

Interesting, isn’t it, that al the while she accused you “of trying to control her or a situation”, she herself was controlling you or a situation. She accused you and you “didn’t speak up about things… and withdraw”- she controlled you.

Basically, you were married to a controlling, selfish woman.

“Who am I?” is the title of your thread. If you are not controlled, not the accommodating person that you have been to her, who are you?

A man who is learning, I hope, to speak up, to voice his beliefs and his values, to assert himself in any relationship, so that every relationship is a win-win prospect (unlike your marriage, having been a lose- win prospect, lose for you, win for her).

Regarding her going to New York for Christmas, her purpose was probably the usual, to “let loose and blow off steam”, in night clubs, dancing and drinking, and proceed from there to those high rise random apartments so to continue the party.

anita

Dear Luke:

I don’t think it is something you did wrong with this woman. I think the problem is that you consider yourself a beggar (“I’d always had a beggars can’t be choosers view of it”). As long as you see yourself as unworthy of honest, trustworthy kind of love, you will be willing to settle for what is not honest and not trustworthy.

“Who am I?”- worthy of honest, trustworthy love, I dare say. You just don’t know it yet.

anita