You found more freedom than you realize

Do not let others control how you feel

You have permission to be whole even if you’re alone.

It is much better to be single than in a bad relationship

Also…a thought to have is empathy for that other human who is too caught up in selfishness to even enjoy friends

The first place to find strength will be in your mirror

Agnes,

I’m sorry for the suffering you’re experiencing, and my heart goes out to you. Your situation reminded me of a teaching by Osho on sorrow. Consider the following excerpts from the Osho Zen tarot card “sorrow”.
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This pain is not to make you sad, remember. That’s where people go on missing…. This pain is just to make you more alert–because people become alert only when the arrow goes deep into their heart and wounds them. Otherwise they don’t become alert. When life is easy, comfortable, convenient, who cares? Who bothers to become alert? When a friend dies, there is a possibility. When your woman leaves you alone–those dark nights, you are lonely. You have loved that woman so much and you have staked all, and then suddenly one day she is gone. Crying in your loneliness, those are the occasions when, if you use them, you can become aware. The arrow is hurting: it can be used. The pain is not to make you miserable, the pain is to make you more aware! And when you are aware, misery disappears.

Osho Take it Easy, Volume 2 Chapter 12

Commentary:
The image is of Ananda, the cousin and disciple of Gautam Buddha. He was at Buddha’s side constantly, attending to his every need for forty-two years. When Buddha died, the story is told that Ananda was still at his side, weeping. The other disciples chastised him for his misunderstanding: Buddha had died absolutely fulfilled; he should be rejoicing. But Ananda said, “You misunderstand. I’m weeping not for him but for myself, because for all these years I have been constantly at his side but I have still not attained.” Ananda stayed awake for the whole night, meditating deeply and feeling his pain and sorrow. By the morning, it is said, he was enlightened. Times of great sorrow have the potential to be times of great transformation. But in order for transformation to happen we must go deep, to the very roots of our pain, and experience it as it is, without blame or self-pity.”
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Do you see? There was Agnes the whole time, planning and dreaming, biking and losing, now crying and feeling sorrow. The bike trip, the boyfriend, the sister… those don’t give you what you’re seeking, because you’re looking for Agnes everywhere but inside. She is in there, still looking and hoping. Sad and in pain in this moment, but awake and stirred up. When the pain is enough, when you are awake enough, the pain is nothing but pain, and the present moment blossoms. Then we can build a new dream, one where we step with inner peace no matter what is around us.

Namaste, distant sister.

With warmth,
Matt