Hello, I am back! I try to stay out of forums, so I don’t over complain, but sometimes, I can’t help it. This is my diary entry. Yesterday, my sister and I went to a friend’s house for dinner. They have an amazing house. The dinner was chilli with rice. They had cherry pie for dessert. Their son Robert was there, he helped in cooking. While dinner, it was amazing. My friend and his wife talked and everyone else did too. It felt like a warm family. Then their son had to leave dinner early, he said, “thank you for food mom, sorry we are leaving early”. After the dinner, I felt really sad. I never felt that family environment during my childhood. With my uncle’s, I was always the outcast, and not even my mom could do anything to help me. My high school was never fun, hardly made friends. Just study, work with uncle and sleep. I know this is the past coming back to haunt me at this moment. But I just don’t want to be like this. I don’t like being emotional, I just want to live life, instead of thinking about the meaningM the purpose, and all that stuff. Especially during the times my past haunts me, I start to feel like something is missing inside of me. Even when I visit my mom, I have a connection with her, but my mom and didn’t do anything fun ever because she was always busy working, while paying for my sister’s fees. I visit her with my sister, but I have nothing to talk about, except school stuff usually. When I tell mom how I feel she always reassures me everything will be okay, but that doesn’t really help me too much. Even with my sister, I am not too much of a great brother. Maybe it’s because she stayed with dad until she was 16, and I came to USA when I was 10, our lifestyle is too different, and she is more guardian figure. Plus, we always talk about life is this that, mostly problems. She usually watches her shows, whereas I watch Netflix, so I can read the subtitles. I don’t really talk to dad too much either. When I was little, my mom did not want to worry dad, so she told me not to talk too much of problems. So, whenever I called, I just talked about health, and school .with him. I don’t know much about Indian stuff to talk about with him. So, over the course of 10 years, just that small talk really gets old and boring, especially if its on the phone. I try to have a positive outlook, but I sometimes end up at the dead end, where I just question everything. Why did this happen? How am I expected to live? I don’t like going too deep with life because you will never win against life, especially if you question it. But in these types of moments, I become the worst version of myself. I begin to feel that I am boring, not interesting, and my self-esteem sulk down to the hell. I sometimes wonder, what that missing piece is and where I can find it. I just wish God could give me instructions on my life because frankly life does not come with a manual. So, I don’t know how to deal with these questions. Please give me insights.
Thank you
Harry