Hello everyone. .
I need suggestions for this. I am a doctor, I recently passed my specialisation exam. I studied the 3 year course in a neighbourhood state, in a city( chennai) where the people,language everything is foreign. It was very difficult, exhausting to stay put for three long years as part of the course and in the end it took two more years and a lot of struggle to finally pass the exam. It was exhausting because I have no one around who is studying the same course, and also no one to talk to at all. I tried to make new friends but simply our languages never match. People here are very judgemental, hostile. Also, the weather is so harsh, hot and humid that 10 months of a year, I feel sick, my skin breaks out, I also have tummy problems, extreme fluctuations in weight, hair fall, back pain, depression, irritability, and many many more. When I am in that city, I feel like I am moving around with huge weights tied to my shoulders. Passing this exam, for which I waited 5 long years does not make me happy. But according to my parents this place is safe for single women compared to all other cities in India. . So they want me to get a job in this place and stay back till I get married. I am now 32 years old, never married, there are no signs of any prospective match right now, my parents are searching in matrimonial sites, etc.. but I don’t get the feeling that someone would marry me at all. Previously families we approached for marriage just sign off without any good reason, but I think they wanted more dowry. Now people are rejecting me saying they are looking for a younger bride even if the guy is 32 to 36 years old. My problem is that I am longing for a place I can call my home, my own place, but am not able to decide which one it is. There is another city( hyderabad) in my own state where they speak my language, I have a bunch (5 to 10 people ) of old colleagues, although all of them are now married and have kids, I may get to see them at least once in a month. So in both cities, I would be staying alone. This city allegedly is not as safe as the previous one for single women. I do have job opportunities in both of these places, but I need to stay put in one place to build up my practice. should I put a hold on my wish for a sane, normal life till I get married? What if I never get a chance to leave this place at all? What if no one want to marry me?
I studied 14 hrs a day to pass this exam so that I might get a chance to leave this city. I was scared that one more summer in this city, I may get some serious illness like connective tissue disorders or cancer because of this stress.
I cannot disobey my parents especially my mother, we are clinging to each other as we are recovering from decades of physical and mental violence by my father and his family. She says work here for 2 more months.. but I don’t want to. At the same time, I think I can stay in any place for any time for her happiness. Is this fear about being single rational?
Sorry for such a long post and thank you for reading this.. even after writing it here, my so confused.. and so scared to take the first step. Where should I join?