Hi Shawna,

Well, I think you’re involved with an addict. I’d suggest you get involved with an Al Anon group, a local one if possible, on-line if there is no local one. You can’t change him. But you can change yourself.

Craig

Hi Shawna…

I hope that as you read this you have embraced the strength necessary to confront this big problem in such a way that you are no longer involved with this person. There are a number of issues that need immediate attention. First, before you forgive him, you must totally forgive yourself for making bad choices. You said, “I truly love him.” There is a difference in loving someone, and being IN love. I love many people. I care for many people. But I am not IN love with them. You said, “he’s not a terrible guy.” I respectfully disagree. I say that because he is absolutely terrible to himself as he is well rooted in his self destructive behavior. How can you justify going down in your life and taking your children with his self destructive behavior? When you said, “I blame myself” you surely must know that it is not your responsibility to correct his self destructive behavior. Based on your description of his behaviors and habits, I do not believe that you are qualified to correct his behavior. His being dishonest with himself, and toward you as well, clearly is not your job to fix. You asked, “but where is the line???” You KNOW where that line is. It is his ongoing, untreated  addiction, his habitual verbal abuse which is setting the stage for physical violence. Drug addiction coupled with the need for alcohol along with the hostile verbal abuse is a perfect storm for something very terrible to happen. Think about that…a drug/alcohol induced tirade leads up to shattered lives, broken families, and death, either to someone or himself, as well as to you. This happens ALL THE TIME EVERY SINGLE DAY! What else happens all the time is the person involved with a person with this personality feels the need to be the one to save” him. His addictions, his verbal abuse, his penchant for lying, is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY! Your only responsibility is to you and your son and your child to be. PLEASE accept that it is perfectly ok, perfectly right, to walk away from this relationship. Staying with him and accepting his behavior is to nurture his behavior. You take care of you, and your family. PLEASE for your sake, and the sake of your children, leave, walk away. In doing so you will not only resurrect the Phoenix inside yourself and come out stronger, but doing so will be an incredible display of strength, character, and integrity to your children. You said, “I feel like my kids and myself deserve better than.” I think there is a much stronger belief in saying “My kids and I DO deserve better.” Because you do. As long as you stay, take responsibility for his behavior, and desire to “fix” him, you will not have better. Shawna, there are an infinite number of amazing things waiting for you and your children. Go get them 🙂

Pearce

Hi Shawna,

He can’t stop by willpower alone, he can say he will get help, or that he will stop, and sometimes it does happen, but unless he gets treatment, it does not stop. I’m a daughter of an Alcoholic, who severely neglected and abused me in my early childhood.

There first needs to be some kind of intervention. This is where his family gets involved. A professional comes over and sits down, with you and his family and talks to him and tells him to get into recovery. If he does not do this immediately, you need to take your baby and leave. Go to a safe place. Have no contact with him, until he has been in AA or treatment for at least a year if not longer. Don’t call him, e-mail. Go to courts to have some custody of your child.

If he does not get into treatment after intervention, things most likely will get worse. I fear for your safety and your baby. Many alcoholics become abusers, first emotional and verbal, then insults, crashes, pounding things, tantrums, and finally he may end up physically hurting you and your baby, and I know this is not the life you want. You must leave before it’s too late, if not for yourself, for your beautiful child. Even if you have to stay in a domestic violence shelter. He won’t change without intervention, AA therapy, and it’s best for you to go to courts and have some custody as he is unable at this time to be a father or a husband. Please go to a safe place. Keep us posted.

Dear Shawna:

You are welcome. You wrote: ” I bought myself a van to fix up and hopefully have a vehicle and I do not want him to drive it at all. Is that mean?”- it is not mean, it is sensible and responsible. You can only help him (and helping is kind), if you don’t protect him from the reasonable consequences of his actions. His action was to drink and drive and total the car. Reasonable consequence= he is not allowed to drive your van.

I understand that he is not hopeless and that he really wants to stop drinking. He probably is trying very hard. Thing is, back to actions and reasonable consequences, there are… consequences to what we choose to do. Doesn’t matter his choices are impulsive and out of desperation, there are still consequences.

Consider your well being and the well being of your child first, make sure the two of you are safe and well.

anita

Dear Shawna:

Best would be if a friend could be there for you in person, hold your hand, help you to physically move out, providing you a safe place to live for a while. Fear is a powerful emotion and we need help doing the right thing for ourselves in spite of the fear.

Without such in-person support, it is still possible to operate sensibly in spite of the fear if we take one day at a time (the AA saying..), one small step at a time, not looking too far ahead into the future but seeing what is right in front of you, what to do next. Take breaks when anxious, as in taking a walk or a hot bath. Then get social support wherever you can. If posting here is such support for you, please do post again and again.

anita