YES. I do this. And I think it has to do with a lack of authenticity. When I say “it’s fine,” I don’t always mean it 100%. What I usually mean is, “I don’t think this is a big enough deal to make an issue out of it and I don’t want to make you feel bad, so I’m going to drop it.” And it’s typically true that it’s not a major issue. But you’re right. It gradually eats away at your reserve. And it’s exhausting, because I’m holding back how I feel which is an essential piece of me, refraining from speaking my genuine truth, from hiding that it annoys/ hurts/ frustrates me.

I think ultimately it’s a balance that we need to find, between speaking what is true for us and letting things go. But I think both can be done with compassion, understanding and forgiveness. And learning to speak up, while maintaining those, is essential. Because speaking up, and acknowledging that you are frustrated, does not mean that you aren’t understanding or forgiving. They can all coexist.

yes, I have felt like that; I intellecttually run thru the litany of reasons to support the “kind and forgiving” response, reaction, thought, but find there
is a part of me feeling sad, mad, hurt or just WRONG! I have come to see that there are parts of me that long to feel all the “right thoughts”
and parts of me that just absolutely WONT. I then long to share those parts with a friend of family that would lovingly listen to the “wrong bad thoughts”
without telling me how wrong that is or preach all the loving kindness I already know!

when I cannot find this, sadly most of the time, I have to do it for myself.

I go into those hurting parts and ask them to tell m what’s up. I listen to them, love them, and strive to
give them what they are seeking; just to be heard and loved anyway. I tell these parts I understand why they feel whatever they feel and let them know it is ok.

I KNOW now that this is ok, and that in alowing these feelings to be healed I can
get to the stronger part of me that I allow to reign; the loving, forgiving self who I choose to give the ultimate power!

I no longer fear they will be allowed to run rampant and over ride the higher parts of myself I gave to love. I can let them be heard
and trust Love will win.

xoxoxo

Memm,

In addition to some of the other kindly wisdom, consider that the key may be in keeping the well full. Sometimes when we yearn for more connection, we get in a rut of malnourishment, and the well empties. We long for the connection, so when we make plans, we begin dreaming of the experience. This expends the energy in the well, as we focus our intentions and hopes on that plan coming to fruition. So when the friend cancels, the shock of unmet expectations (ie, not going as planned) leaves a void, like a bubble popping. This challenges our equanimity, which expends concentration, draining the well a little more. When empty, there is a sense of isolation and “what about me” “when’s my turn” “why won’t you play with me” and so forth.

The solution, in my opinion, has nothing to do with boundaries, it has to do with your patterns of self nurturing, and the energy you’re bringing to your friendships. Consider that when we self nurture, we very directly fill that well. Imagine you bake some chocolate chip cookies, and they smell and taste delicious. You know how much your friends love cookies, and how much you like sharing, and so you feel a yearning to share what you have made. So you wrap them up in little bags, and take them to your friends. Only to find out that one is trying to lose 4 pounds rapidly, one developed a chocolate allergy, one just went out of town and so forth. The intention was there, but the conditions for actually sharing weren’t. But, because it was just our desire to share our bounty, our artistry, it doesn’t drain us to be rejected. Maybe next time!

In this way, we can connect to our friends from a place of bounty. However, if there is a friend that cancels on you a lot, for instance, instead of the self-centric “why is he doing this to me?” view from an empty well, consider the buoyant and curious “why is he doing this?”. As you let your curiosity explore the situation and friendship, its easier to find out if they’re just distracted, disinterested, busy, or if theyre a taker, or whatever. The well stays full, or even refuels itself, as we explore.

With warmth,
Matt