Hi Pip,

I created a profile just to answer to you. I have been in a similar situation as you and I am still dealing with the repercussions of that failed relationship. I chose to let it go because I wanted more for myself…..somewhere during that relationship – I lost who I was, I emotionally shut down, and I no longer saw myself without him. However, as I said, I chose to let it and him go. The months proceeding that split has been filled with many phases….. my emotions we shut off, my mind did not trust itself, I did not trust my decisions/judgement, I was filled with regret because of the situation I had gotten myself in and I began to self-loathe.

For the first year and a half, I experienced this numbness and disconnect, with nights of crying, then 6 months later I would have a few positive emotions and then fall into a deeper hole of negativity…depression? Maybe…but still on the outside I functioned – went to work, socialized, shmoozed but inside I was in turmoil… Then a few months later, I had more positive moments with the negative bouts. I guess it was my body reacquainting itself with more emotions, but at its own time. When I forced certain feelings I just got more depressed.

Now, I am still dealing with finding myself – but it is a better life without him. I think that if you have been prompted to come on here and type this, then there is a huge divide, I cannot make this decision for you, but ultimately you need choose. Do you deserve better? Do you want better? Can you envision yourself in this relationship in the state you are in for the rest of your life? We are sentient beings and should not be numb, and the fact that your body has placed you in that mode speaks volumes.

It is a hard decision, but know that you will be able to survive whatever decision you choose.

You know, guys- every time I see one of these cries for help I peruse the responses and, almost without fail, every reply acknowledges the blogger’s problem then goes on to talk about the respondents situation, their similar problem, their woes and their issues. I have a friend, an extremely eligible and attractive single lady, who turns every conversation and every situation around to her failed relationships and how the other parties let her down. It’s all about me, me, me and it’s the same here. Let go! My advice in all these situations is ” ” lump it or leave it. No one can change others to fit the mould they want them to be but taking that stark choice takes courage. If you choose “lump it”- then don’t lump it and suffer. Review your needs and wants and accept the other person completely not begrudgingly, criticising at every opportunity their past or present failings. If it’s the ‘leave it’ option then recognise there will be a grieving process to go through. It’s a well documented series of steps through denial, and anger before finally reaching acceptance. This person has been unfaithful and disloyal. Well he /she is only human and we all have our failings. If love is still there work on that but the lump it or leave it option is still the same. And their failings should not be transferred on to you. It was their failings not yours and there is no need to loose esteem or self worth. Oh well- what do I know. I wish you every success and happiness.

What I hear from your first post is blame and worthiness concerns. I just want to let you know that no matter how you try to justify any actions of this relationship it doesn’t matter. You deserve to be loved and you deserve to be respected, you are also so worthy of freedom from this attachment! I know I have gone through a traumatic separation from a thought to be loved one and I would not let go of the attachment. I felt completely unworthy of love and told myself I would never find anyone to love me ever again, not to mention the thought that there is just something wrong with me (of course my old partner would affirm this to be true too). I learned the hard way that she wanted nothing to do with me and her ego was completely engaged to prove that I was valued lower than hers to help her move on and I absorbed her cruel words about me to be my truth ( God I wish I didn’t). Because I had such low self esteem at that time her words about my became my reality about myself, and I felt lower than low.

Not until I could come to grips with that I needed to let go and detach did I start to see any light at all at the end of the tunnel. I wanted to control the situation or rework it to have different endings, or just wanted to be understood, forcing her to see things differently. This caused panic attacks, deep depressions, and complete disconnect from a normal life. I just want to let you know that this does turn around, and through repetition of affirmation work, counselling, and internal gruelling work on myself it all began to turn around. You are worth a new chapter in your life, and if you do the work with help and guidance you will be able to separate from these brutal feelings and thoughts that just aren’t true.

Where ever you are, I send you love and a warm smile of encouragement =)

For me, time has a been a great healer and learning to love myself again after pretty much wanting to do away with me. Therapy was great too!

Never, ever let someone else ‘complete you’ only you can do that. If you happen to have someone special in your life, embrace it but be true to yourself. I have had serious words with myself and we argued a lot but I have to be true to me. Don’t let your preconceptions and beliefs control you either as it only ends in pain.

Now is your chance to discover what makes you tick, don’t try to control things, let things happen organically. Take one thing everyday and focus on it for a couple of minutes blocking everything else out. It takes practice so don’t be frustrated if at first it seems impossible! Be grateful to all the wonderful things you have in your life – from receiving an email from a friend to making yourself something wholesome to eat and nourish your body with. Be a friend to yourself, spoil yourself, spoil your daughters and be open with them over how you are feeling. You are worth so much to not only them, but to everyone around you. Learn to love yourself and demand respect, you deserve it!