Dear M:

Regarding the standing on the cliff allegory and you jumping. It may be that for her it was a cliff and the jump was very scary and for you it was just a hill and a pleasant walk down to the valley below. What was in that jump for her, I wonder. What was she scared about or was it something else alltogether. It may be a good idea, maybe, sometime to have her join you in a therapy session with your therapist. And bring up the allegory to her, get her input.

anita

Hi Emotionalism,
Sometimes these kinds of breakups are the worst, when you can’t even look back and say you are glad it happened. You’re totally right though-focusing on the good things and letting your feelings come to you are the #1 things you need to do right now.

Sometimes when you meet someone like that it can feel like there is nobody else in the world who could possibly fill their shoes, or that you could never have a relationship with someone else as satisfying as it was with her. A lot of people I’ve spoken to often say that they feel like that’s it- that was the peak and no other relationship could ever compare and that thought can sometimes be more distressing than the breakup itself. That’s just not true though, and telling yourself that (which you didn’t explicitly say, I’m just speaking from what I have gathered to be a very common feeling) cuts you off from all of the other possibilities the world has to offer

Although you guys seemed really good together in some ways, she does not seem like she is ready to take on a relationship and she needs to figure out stuff on her own. You said that you wish you could have that relationship you always wanted with her, but honestly thinking about that will only make it worse. Love is a cosmic feeling, and that’s not something to shake easily, but the situation is what it is and focusing on that can build it up to something its not and make the feeling of loss even greater. She’s not ready to be in a relationship and anything that goes on between you guys will not be satisfying or fair to (either of) you.

Also, I agree with xeno- what you may feel is perfect may not be the same for her. That’s a tough pill to swallow, but I (personally) find that liberating- recognizing that is a way to start to break those ties and free yourself from the feeling of missing out. There are many people out there in the world with their own unique set of qualities to bring to the table. It seems like everything happened the way it should, and you’re on the right path. You cannot be happy in the long term with someone you feel like is not willing to jump with you- that’s what relationship are about!

For the time being, focus on you and what you and developing yourself. The more you develop yourself, the more you will have to share with the person who is right for you. Don’t think about it as a loss, think about it as it was something that needed to happen and now you have a clear space to fill with anything you want! Everything will be okay x