Hi Everyone,

So about a week and a half ago, I had to let go of a girl who I am very much still in love with. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I know deep down it was the only thing left for me to do.

I had met her in a completely by-chance scenario a little over a year ago, when I was in a place mentally that was ready for dating and a relationship. I’ve only had a couple serious girlfriends in my life, and I’ve dated here and there, but I find myself to be very picky and I don’t like to waste time. She was something else the night we bumped into each other, and the chemistry was magic. We started dating right after, and began learning about each other as we went along. There’s a bit of an age gap, she’s about 5 years older. She also has a lot more relationship experience than me, including a very serious one that lasted a number of years and almost lead to marriage (which ended a few months before she met me). Regardless, we connected on a lot. Same sense of humor, same taste in all kinds of interests. She was smart and personable. Whiskey in a teacup type. I was crazy about her. The first few months were fun, exciting, like they’re supposed to be. But it didn’t take long for concerns to arise. By the 6th month, we were having trouble. I wanted to get closer with her in our relationship, move in a more serious and committed direction. She wasn’t ready for that. After a couple tearful talks that included her words of me deserving better and her wishing she could go down that path with me, we ended it. That break up lasted about 4 weeks. Although I tried to stay away, she kept reaching out, and eventually I felt like I wanted to hear what she had to say. So one Saturday morning we got coffee and talked it all over. We went over what went wrong, what worked and what didn’t. I told her I always knew what I wanted, and she didn’t She said she felt like I had given her complete control over how the relationship would go and she didn’t know what to do. We talked it through though. It felt good. We felt safe and open with each other again, there was no longer a pressure. She told me I had made an incredible impact in her life, and she has a lot she has to work on, but she wants me to be a part of her life. I wanted to be, so we started trying to make it work again.

The second phase started strong. That happened at the end of January, and I’d say things were good through March. We figured out how to have our relationship so that we were both comfortable. It felt good. We were comfortable and happy. Then some rough things in her life started happening. She lost a very close family member, which upset her greatly. It lead her to feel depressed. Her career was getting the best of her too, and as much as I tried to be a support (and she always said I was a great one) I slowly felt her drifting away again.

In April there was a morning where she told me she was starting to feel like she was being cold to me and she didn’t want to be that way. She felt smothered, even though I wasn’t really doing anything other than trying to be the romantic I’ve always been. She said we should take a break from sleepovers for awhile. I agreed, but at that point things just started feeling off. We went another month, and the intimacy had pretty much disappeared… to the point where we’d hardly kiss goodbye and our “dates” were short and mainly over coffee or lunch. I brought it up in conversation, I told her I missed her and I wanted our relationship to feel like it was growing again. We had this talk back in March too, it was a topic that came up a lot in the overall duration of our time together. In March she told me that she was working to reprioritize her life, and that included prioritizing me/us… she cares for me but she needed time. When the conversation happened again in late May, she said she couldn’t offer anything more than what she has been. She wouldn’t lie or make a promise she couldn’t keep. A week later, I came over and told her that my heart has been breaking trying to wait for her to give our relationship more. I wanted to be patient, I truly did. I had promised myself that she was worth all the effort for over a year. But it just got to this point where I was hurting too much trying to see her more than once a week, or even get more than a few texts from her in a day.

So I said that I had to go away for awhile, and let her go. It was time for us to walk away from it. We sat there for what seemed like hours, holding each other close. I told her that one day I wish we could have the relationship I always wanted with her and she looked me in the eyes, smiled, and nodded her head. We kissed, and cuddled on the couch a little longer. Eventually I knew it was time for me to leave. I told her I love her and she said she loved me too. I guess we both knew it was for the best, because even though the feelings were still there the relationship and timing just weren’t working.

So here I am, some ten days later. We haven’t spoken since. I’m sure we will at some point, one of the things we agreed on is that we would be good to each other and check in from time to time. I don’t expect to lose myself when and if she does reach out… but all it takes is a memory of us at Disneyland watching the fireworks for me to tear up. Blegh.

I guess I just want to note that I really found this girl to be amazing. Truly one of a kind. She had her flaws, but I loved them anyways. For a year I made her a priority in my heart and in my mind. She was good to me, with what she could offer. I never felt like she didn’t care about me or my well being, and when we had our moments of connection we sincerely connected. She has a good heart. She’s not malicious or untrustworthy. I have nothing bad to say about her in that way. She just always seemed to fluctuate from one foot in and one foot out. My therapist came up with this allegory of her and I standing on a cliff over looking the water. She would say that she’s ready to jump in with me, but then stay put when I jumped. I’d keep coming back up the cliff to stand with her, and keep jumping without her. There was just too much going on in her life now to share the love that I was ready to.

Anyways, I’ve been reading a lot of break up advice. I know time is the only thing that makes you heal. I’m starting a new job in a little over a week, a complete career change that I’ve been searching/waiting for since before I even entered this relationship. She doesn’t know that yet, she was the first person I wanted to tell when I got the job, but I didn’t. Regardless, I’m doing what I should be. Focusing on the good things in life and letting myself feel what I need to. Figured it would be healthy to write about it on here though, I already feel a little better.

Thank you all for taking the time to read this. Any relatable advice would be much appreciated.

Best,
M.

“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it is yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.”