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When you forgive, but cannot forget

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • August 27, 2014 at 12:33 pm #64020
    lil.lily
    Participant

    I randomly spoke to my ex boyfriend online.. I do not love him anymore. but I thought about him so I wanted to say hi.

    We have been talking on Facebook.

    I found out that he is going to University of Hawaii when he gets out of the military next fall. I mean he’s a liar so he can be talking a lot.
    He hurt me a lot.. I mean emotionally abused me.

    How can someone achieve such happiness when they have hurt someone? I do not think its fair that he gets to go out of state and study.. when he has been such a bad person

    How can this be possible? But I can forgive.. I just don’t understand how it works in certain ways..

    August 27, 2014 at 1:37 pm #64021
    popi
    Participant

    Most of the time it’s fake happiness.They pretent to be okay but they not.
    Try to stay away from these people…they poison your world 🙂

    August 28, 2014 at 2:15 am #64045
    Will
    Participant

    How can this be possible?

    Good people suffer. Bad people have all the money. Children die of cancer. Murderers get away with it. Perfectly innocent babies are born in Norway, and babies just as innocent are born in rural India. How can it be possible?

    My dear, I think you’re mistaken about what kind of world you live in.

    Go easy on yourself. You’re clearly still working on ‘forgiving’, and that’s fine. Keep in mind that your forgiveness is not for his sake — you know he’s a bad person and you won’t let him hurt you again. Your forgiveness is about you letting go of stuff that isn’t your business. So what if he’s going to Hawaii? So what if he’s happy? Your resentment only hurts you. Drop it. Every time it comes up, drop it again. Keep dropping it until it stops coming up.

    And next time you think of him, don’t say ‘hi’. Nothing good can come of it.

    August 28, 2014 at 9:35 am #64051
    Gabriela
    Participant

    The world isn’t fair and things happen in their own time. You can’t expect him to recieve what he deserves immediately for having done something wrong to you.
    The fact that him going to college upsets you already comes to prove that your conversation with him wasn’t “random” and you weren’t just innocently “thinking” of him. If you are well aware that he has emotionally abused you and he is no longer in your life, there really is no reason why you should say hi and try to relive a small amount of the happiness that he may have given to you one day.
    Expecting revenge and cultivating hatred and frustration is only giving him more of yourself, which he obviously does not deserve. Forget what sort of life he is living now, don’t try and find out. Make a real effort to detach yourself from this person, or else you will never really be mentally free from it.
    The difficulty you are facing now regarding your separation from this individual says a lot more about you than it does about him. Because we know that he is someone who doesn’t have the right consideration towards you, but now is your chance to learn from your experience and give yourself the consideration and respect that you deserve.

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by Gabriela.
    • This reply was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by Gabriela.
    August 28, 2014 at 10:04 am #64056
    Kelly
    Participant

    Something to consider, from A Course in Miracles:

    “Nobody can treat you unkindly. They can treat themselves unkindly by choosing the unkind ego as their teacher. But they can’t treat you unkindly. Whatever they do has nothing to do with you. They treat themselves unkindly. And if you’re also coming from an unkind thought, you will perceive them as treating you unkindly.” You do not know that he is happy. If he has behaved in the manner you described, I suspect he is not truly happy. But that’s none of your concern.

    Focus on you. What do you want for your life? What are your goals? If attending college out of state is something that appeals to you, what can you do to work toward that and make it happen in your life?

    August 28, 2014 at 4:05 pm #64064
    Alpal
    Participant

    Hello there lil.lily
    Well to be honest , I have always lived by forgiving and not forgetting I believe though you should forgive for your own sake and move on you should not forget what they have done and let them do it to you again. But my question is , is that if he has hurt you so much why do you still talk to him? I would advise you to stay away from people who try to hurt you and not really think about them and their lives. You can’t decide how karma gets to them and when, and you can’t decide how they live their lives, but usually people who don’t care about hurting others tend to focus only on themselves and thats why he’s “happy” which is probably something you should start doing (focusing on yourself, not hurting others) The best thing to do is let him go completely don’t worry about what he’s doing or how his life is going you don’t need that kind of negativity around you, just focus on making your life the BEST it can be , after all life is what you make of it.
    PS: Just because he is going to Hawaii doesn’t mean that he’ll have a great life , you never know whats really going on because people only share what they want to with you 🙂
    Alpal

    August 28, 2014 at 6:03 pm #64066
    Big blue
    Participant

    Hi lil.lily,

    I can understand somewhat – at the foundation I think – because I had some abuse as a child, and then a few years ago I tolerated an emotionally abusive relationship for a while before I ended it. She was repeatedly accusing me of cheating, and she would get really nasty after a couple drinks. Nuclear fights. Awful. She had issues that caused her to do these things – probably abuse in her past – and without getting through her own recovery she was perpetuating abuse herself.

    Really and truly, as others have said above, you need to focus on building up your self esteem, and reject any abuse that may start to come your way in the future. That means identifying it and stopping it immediately. That also means reframing yourself as a healthy person. Yes, you had some abuse, but that does not define you. I know this is easier said and read than done having lived it.

    My advice is to take action and think and feel that you are healthy. You become what you believe and what you do. Rather than list what this means, I offer you the question to pursue: what do I do to be healthy? Go find out and do these things.

    Big blue

    August 30, 2014 at 4:17 pm #64127
    rosielightshines
    Participant

    I can’t add to any of these posters aobve me, u got great insights…..i am reading that you are still attached to him…attached to “getting even” “why should he be happy when i am still miserable???” i see that as your motive for saying”hi” to him, you were checking up on him , kinda…..well, you dn’t KNOW for SURE he is happy, AND people who have no regard for others just continue their merry way, making bad karma, and trust me, his will come..someone he will really need will treat him like crap….but you give your power to him ea. time you contact him and have to go through the feelings…trust me, I know..been there..done that…detachment from one who deserves the roof to fall on them is hard, but we gotta give them over to the universe….u block his lessons coming at him when you “get in the way” of the energy/lessons he put in motions for himself….he set this in motion by mal treating any living creature, be it human or animal, he set this in motion and he will pay the price….but you need to detach and free yourself of him……i would work on me, work on why i am still attached to him…what is the payoff here??? what coda need is in you to keep wanting contact with him…..desire for self punishment??? you can’t forgive you for something in your past so you punish yourself with this toxic person who hurt you??? i know when i used to gravite towards abusers, it was this need within me (the payoff) to punish me for being a helpless child in my family of origin and having to cope with abuse and not being able to stop my parents from abusing all of us helpless kids…..i bought into their sicko mind sets that are no longer my own, but i had to get into 12 steps recovery rooms to re-claim me and take back my life….BE with yoru feelings…DONT deny them….TALK till you don’t have to talk anymore, but set a boundary, week #2 you talk less of him /think less of him that week #1 and so on….and look to the solution as you vent out the feelings re: the problem……never deny your feelings but realize that feelings are not facts..just feelings that we have to discharge so we cna get to acceptance and acceptance means we can finally walk away, lesson learned and we go on…….as to 4giveness??? to me it is highly over rated…2 me 4giveness MEANS…MY deciding to let go of HIS bad energy that will return to him, and my deciding to discharge the feelings…give over his lessons to the universe…trust that he will experience the “what you do to others” and do what i can to take care of me, and focus on me…4giveness is an action of 1..it just means to get out all the feelings….accept….walk away….release them to their lessons……………..reconciliation is an action of 2…it means you decide to reconcile, which why would you to an abuser?? he will only repeat….and 4giveness has NOTHING to do with reconciliation….4giveness is the gift you give to you, when you’ve vented all the feelings and you decide to take you out of this picture and love yourself and move on your separate way and NO CONTACT with him….what for??? it serves no purpose but to pick open a scab…let that scab dry up and fall away……….just saying

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