Rose Tattoo,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and empathize with the feeling of a sinking boat. Sometimes when we become confused and overwhelmed, there is a sense of being stuck in an unworkable pattern or environment. This feeling can be very convincing, but it is never true, is just a feeling. Taking certain steps can raise the boat and get us moving again. A few things came to heart as I read your story.

Anger. A very fiery emotion, very explosive. But not unnatural. Rather, it is exactly natural, very normal, and reveals the issue, but is not in itself the issue. Consider: imagine someone stabbed you with a poisoned knife. The knife itself is sharp, and cuts deep. And then there is the poison, which brings much confusion. The knife here represents the boundary, the decision not to let him in again, and the poison is the feeling of being crazy when it hurts.

Consider: when our boundaries are invaded, stepped past, and ignored, our body responds very naturally with aggression. The anger you’re experiencing is normal, usual, a protective force that comes up to prepare you to fight off an attack. Like a knife sliding past your defenses, into your skin, and the wound radiates a fiery scream. All normal, all usual, all exactly a natural result.

Then, in addition to the knife blade, there is poison. He is charming, smiling, political, and venomous, and points his finger at your anger and calls you crazy. It’s not just him, many people (yourself included) call female fire crazy and irrational. As though a woman in pain, and screaming, is somehow broken or low for screaming. For having a feral, animal protective force that gets in the way of being a pretty little china doll. The result is a feeling like something is wrong with you for being so emotional.

But this is not yours, dear sister. There is nothing wrong with your emotions, they are working correctly. When you’re inna situation that dishonors you, your body responds with fire to alert you or others that serious shit is happening.

This combination pokes the hole in your boat. You feel angry, and ashamed that you feel angry. Meanwhile, because you feel like you are sinking, you remain more vulnerable to his charms, and so get more holes poked in your boat. Compounding that is the social isolation, where he tells people how crazy you are for not just taking the dagger with a smile. But don’t despair, dear friend, there is always a path toward joy. Always a way to fix the boat, and start rowing toward the sunrise.

The first step is validating your own emotions, accepting them, like we would give tender love to a child that is crying after falling down and skinning their knee. Of course the emotions well up. You’ve had some difficult history, and have been stepped on by yourself and others. Very natural to make mistakes like that, and the resulting emotions are automatic, unavoidable. You need hugs, not judgements. You need your warm arms to surround yourself, encompassing, validating, understanding, comforting. Consider: any wise and empathic being in your social environment, upon hearing him tell his tales of your hotness would see him as the twisted one. Like hearing a racist speak, the heart does not get on board with false and toxic words and think less of the race. If someone out there hears his charming poison and thinks less of you, that’s their weakness. Their ignorance at the fire and claws momma bear has to protect her beautiful daughters from trespass. The rose has thorns for a reason. Not crazy. Protective.

Hey Rose Tattoo,

I really related to your post. I’ve also had a history of acting out in anger in relationships and acting like that “spoiled child” you described. And I used to justify that behavior by focusing on what the other person was doing to me. When I was finally forced to change my ways after nearly losing a man that I loved very much, I discovered that the only way for me to forgive myself and move on was to stop acting like that. It sounds so simple, yet is so so difficult. With the help of therapists, journaling, books, guidance, an accountability partner, MUCH willpower and self-control, and lots of prayer, I was able to change my ways. Never was I able to forgive myself until I was able to consistently act level-headed, support myself emotionally instead of depending on him, and pause before reacting. Until I could start acting like a real grown-up. Then I found forgiveness, my relationship improved DRASTICALLY, he even started behaving much better because he was being treated better, and now we both get to feel good about ourselves and be in a healthy relationship. We are still together today. It’s not easy, but it’s possible. And so worth it if you’re willing to give 110% to changing your behavior. It took a lot of time, definitely did not happen overnight, but it happened. And honestly, I don’t even get the urge to act in my old ways anymore, because I’ve spent years practicing new behavior and it’s just become normal to me.

Hope that reached you in some way.
Kristen