Anita,

thank you for responding to me. I absolutely agree with you that B in no way needed to endure that knowledge and when I had resolved myself to giving him that information I knew that I was letting him go. But it was more important to me to be truthful than be greedy and lie and keep it to myself where it would fester. I told him that I would very much understand if he could never look at me the same way and if we had to part ways. But he told me that there was nothing to forgive because only God can judge us, and that he loved me. It seems nice and sweet, and of course the answer I could only hope for in my dreams. But he would tell me that he only wanted to understand why, and make me repeat my story again and again and again, and appear to listen to me calmly and respectfully and then call me a liar and evil and untrustworthy. He didn’t want to release me, that is the sick part of it all that confuses me. It is as if he uses the shame of what happened with his father to keep me in line and keep me around, then tells me I’m dirty and nasty, yet he is still intimate with me. That part never stopped, perhaps for maybe a day after I told him, but there was no real… break from the physical. I am not sure if that relates to anything, I suppose I am attempting to see where his thoughts were in the beginning of this mess. I don’t live anywhere near his family, and there is no great love between them and me any longer. I have seen them all several times since October but we merely tolerate each others presence, the things that happened are not spoken of with them.

In regards to a therapist that is something that I currently cannot afford to look into, so I am trying to seek other ways of working through it. I am trying to understand what it was that formed my insecurities as a child and why I grew up with an extremely strong need for approval from men especially, and by in turn I have a great urge to take care of others, which lays the breeding ground for being taken advantage of as I have witnessed many times.

Now that almost a year has passed since I first told him about his dad, he informed me just last night that he thinks about killing himself on my birthday as a big “F You” to me for ruining his birthday because of when he took me on top of the mountain. I expressed to him how I couldn’t understand his wanting to do that, and didn’t appreciate him wanting to intentionally cause me pain. We are now currently not talking because I was too insensitive to the fact that he wants to kill himself. He has threatened me with this possibility many times.

But even on the days where we are speaking, I feel as if in many ways he just tells me what I want to hear to give me some hope that he still wants to marry me and have children, but then he will give me some obscure hoop I must jump through to gain his trust. At this point I feel like it is a lost cause. His moods change rapidly, and I am becoming very exhausted in feeling like I am the bad guy when I try to treat him with as much kindness and sweetness I can muster. Even when he is hurting me. I don’t feel like this “relationship” is fair to either of us. I simply try to tell myself that there is a very good chance that he would’ve abused me eventually anyway, and that I didn’t cause this to happen. But the “what if” gnaws at me.

XenopusTex,

I agree with you about the suicide, it is merely a threat and a ploy to get a reaction out of me. The icing on the cake was one time he took me to a river and told me he was going to kill himself, he left me on the ridge and told me “You better stay here, if you move to come after me I will blow my brains out in front of you, would you like that? And don’t you dare touch my body.” I stood there ringing my hands together, moaning his name and not daring to move, my ears straining for the sound of the gun shot. There it was, the loud crack, I crept my way reluctantly towards the trees where he had disappeared, my heart plummeted when I saw his hat laying in the trail. I began to look for blood and his body, and as my eyes slowly turned upwards, who did I see coldly staring back at me, but the man himself, crouched like a coward hiding in the bushes just to watch my reaction.

I don’t foresee him actually going through with it. It is just another way to try and hurt me and to try and take happiness away from me, and if he does pull the trigger, I am not responsible.

Anita,

Yes I will admit that I enjoy writing about it, only then I can I express my true thoughts and feelings. I lived a lonely and quiet existence growing up, I had few friends except for my books and pen and paper. I lived vicariously through the stories of others, and now that I have branched out and have my own story to tell I am eager to put it out there. I feel that it is worth expressing. I truly appreciate the compliment, I seek to have someone be able to see what I see, It makes me happy if I am able to do that in some small measure.
I no longer live in the small dairy town, you might be surprised at the amount of evil that can lurk in such a quaint place. I can visit, but only in small doses to keep myself from temptation. Everyone I grew up with that remained out there have been dragged down into the bog of drugs and crime. It is a vicious cycle.