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When one plan fails, what then?

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Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
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  • August 28, 2013 at 2:23 am #41324
    Buddhist Wife
    Participant

    Gosh Isabella you are so young to have been through so much.

    I’m wondering if there is a gap between what you want your life to be and what others, such as your parents and family want your life to be? It seems like plans have been laid out for you from a very young age and I wonder how deeply you are really invested in them? Do you want to go to Boston University for example? Do you want to go to University at all? Perhaps it would be worth your while to spend some time thinking about what sort of life you really want.

    I think there comes a point in all of our lives when we become a disappointment to our parents, whether we have done anything to merit or not. Sometimes they want us to have A lifestyle, when really we know that we want B lifestyle. No one can deny that getting drunk and ill is a bad choice that any parent is bound to be unhappy with, but choosing a different life path is not. There is bound to be tension when we choose our own path.

    It is always important to treat ourselves with compassion. You say you want to help others, but this will not be fully possible if you do not learn to be compassionate and forgiving to yourself. You are a human being with all the faults and frailties that come alongside that. It is only natural that you have made mistakes.

    I wish you peace.

    August 28, 2013 at 6:00 am #41332
    Matt
    Participant

    Isabella,

    I am shocked at how well put together you are, all things considered! Your dedication to your friends is inspiring, the way you notice and relate to feeling shitty and looking for happiness, the courage it takes to stand up and take charge… my goodness girl, you’re one of the heroes of this world! Yes, I know you hate yourself right now, but that will go away. Don’t despair, because there is always a path to joy.

    Consider pausing on the self loathing for a minute, because you need a hug. This world is tough, as Buddha taught, we are born ignorant of almost everything and have to rely on our parents and teachers to help us find joy. Considering the circumstances of the environments you’ve come from, can’t you see how beautiful you are? You have done so much already to help others, and all the while running on fumes. Its like a blood donor who barely has enough blood to stay alive, sees someone dying, and offers their last pints to save another. You’re a fricken hero!

    Not that you’ve been going about it skillfully, because you haven’t. That is easy enough to fix, and even though it may seem like a dark and terrible road to happiness and inner peace, I’m pretty sure, from reading your story, that relief is coming very soon. You have an abundance of inner strength, and its just that you’ve never been show how to aim. I was much like that as well, except you’re waaay stronger than I am.

    One of my teachers described it like this: When we go on an airplane, the stewardesses give a little safety demonstration. They say “in the case of a loss of cabin pressure, be sure to put on your own mask first, before helping others.” This is not selfish. Its smart. If you start running around trying to help other people without getting oxygen, you’ll pass out very quickly and need help yourself! If you put on your own mask, then you’ll have the resources to help others. Your mistake was only not knowing this, and so as the heroine inside you jumped to the rescue, you ended up passed out on the floor. This is normal, usual and happens to almost everyone.

    This pattern has been following you around for far too long, sister. You need some air! To bring the metaphor back into your context, look at your friend with seizures. You had to grow up fast, and the parents and teachers and nurses that actually had the responsibility just offloaded it to you. Look at how you’ve been trying to please your parents. They, who have the task of helping you find yourself and your joy, poke holes in you, tell you how to be, criticize you… and still you’ve wished to live up to their expectations… following their plans, their directions will only lead you to be like them. Do you really want to be like them? I say drop all of it. All of it. Its time for a new strategy.

    The first thing to do, in my opinion, is grab on to the oxygen mask and start breathing. This is done through self nurturing activities. For instance, going on walks in nature, taking bubble baths with candles, laying on a beach, playing with animals, listening to soft music, and especially meditation can all help the tension inside you unwind, and open up the space. Its what you were looking for in a bottle or in sex with a frat boy… that feeling of warmth and buoyancy inside, which is the fuel for our heartsong. Each of us find different activities nurturing… so look inside and see if there is something you would like to do, alone, just because, and do it.

    Next, consider starting a metta practice. Metta is a pali word for “loving kindness” and is a feeling of warmth and freedom. What a metta practice will do is help reprogram your mind and body to be free from affliction. Consider that critical parents and backstabbing friends have placed inside your sacred garden some weeds. For instance, instead of making a mistake and saying “ah, now I know that was a mistake” the weeds produce thoughts such as “oh my god, I am a failure and can’t do anything right. I don’t deserve happiness.” Rubbish! What metta can help us do is gain a stability of mind, so we can uproot those weeds. So, as a thought arises of “I’m no good” we just yank it out by noticing that a thought like that isn’t very kind to ourselves, and all people deserve kindness. Here is the practice I use: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5M1hP4RfS-c

    Now, over time the self loathing will erode and you’ll be able to live more from the heart. Don’t buy into other people’s expectations of you, because we each have a unique path to joy. For instance, your parents might throw at you some fear, saying you’re a deadbeat kid, but that’s just their fear, their ignorant way of trying to get a mask on you without having their own oxygen. Said differently, much like you fell into icky patterns when you weren’t self nurturing and living from the heart, so have they. Where you drank yourself into a stupor, they criticize themselves into a stupor and then throw punches at you. Even if its misplaced love, or oddly expressed concern, its about them, not you.

    Finally, don’t forget to play. When we were young, we could have a teddy bear and a stick and have hours of contentment. We all miss that. It isn’t something we grow out of, it something we’re conditioned out of. All of the expectations placed on us, all of the knowledge we gain of what a “good life” means, all of the nonsense we imprison our inner child with… the wise ones find that the majority of it is hooey, bullshit. This is a beautiful and vibrant world we are in, and we only get to play for a handful of years. So dance, sing, play, laugh, be goofy and silly and have fun. No one looks back and says “I was too happy in this life”. Perhaps go and make silly faces in the mirror, I bet the kid in you is itching to express herself.

    It will take a little time, so be patient. The light at the end of the tunnel isn’t the boyfriend, its Isabella… and I can see her, your boyfriend can see her, now its just a matter of you seeing her. Namaste, sister, I wish you love and light.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    August 28, 2013 at 9:07 am #41344
    Isabella
    Participant

    Buddhist Wife,

    Thank you so much for your kind words. I have been coming to realize that I can’t help/love others without first loving myself, which is what I’m trying to work on. To answer your question, this gap that you speak of is a concept quite familiar to me. Going to Boston University actually was the one thing that I did want at the time. My parents had their own idea of schools, but said they’d support my attendance there as long as I could pay for it in its entirety (they also refused to cosign loans), hence the scholarship. As far as going the military route, that’s something I’ve been struggling with for a while. It’s very close to my heart since I grew up in the environment, and I’ve always had this inherent desire to give back to the service that gave my family and I so much over the years. I also learned while I was within JROTC and ROTC that I was very good at what I did, and I genuinely cared about leading others and succeeding.

    But, as you said, I always had the thought in my head that it wasn’t what I really wanted. I wasn’t sure what else I did want however, so I accepted that this was the closest I was going to get. This wasn’t a path that was pressured on to me by my parents out loud; they made it clear that I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want to. That being said, I now wonder if I felt like this was the only thing that would make them proud, so I chose the direction strictly to appease them.

    You’ve got me thinking, and I thank you for that.

    August 28, 2013 at 10:19 am #41346
    Isabella
    Participant

    Matt,

    I wish I could come up with a thank you response to you half as beautifully crafted as your advice. To be honest I never really stopped to think about the things I had done, or how it was affecting me. It was just how I functioned, but now I see how harmful I’ve been to myself, considering how hard it’s been for me to start being compassionate toward myself. The analogies you used make a world of sense, and the more I think about it, the more I want to slap myself on the head and go D’OH! Putting others before myself was how I operated, which is why I started becoming exhausted, cold, and bitter because I was giving out all of my oxygen.

    I will most definitely be taking your advice and start focusing on myself. I’m really interested in starting meditation, so thank you so much for sharing! And again, thank you for all of your encouragement. I am on a track towards healing and happiness, and I believe in what you said about it approaching.

    Thank you so much for helping me take a step further down this path; your words mean the world to me.

    August 28, 2013 at 4:00 pm #41358
    Pat Merritt
    Participant

    Isabella,
    I am so moved to share my thoughts with you, if humbly I may. I feel like I’m looking in a mirror. Your story, as Matt said is amazing as it shows your capacity for compassion and putting that compassion into action by helping others. This is something I can relate to as a 58 year old nurse, I have spent a life time helping others. Much the same as you, put in a position of caring and helping very early on by my family. I became the one who found a way to nurture, make things right and overall put any one and every one before my own needs. Then I decided to become a nurse, a life long dream, but didn’t do it until the age of 31 with 2 children. I’ve spent over 25 years caring for people and doing anything I could do to ease suffering, including watching and helping them die. I was always reaching out to help someone and going well out of my way to do anything I could to help.
    I’ve realized a lot about myself and my own suffering recently when my daughter was diagnosed with MS. I have been devastated. So sad and fearful for her and angry that I cannot protect my child from life. A lot of other life challenges happened this year as well, I had a car accident, I fell on ice at work, my employer denied me insurance coverage, I have a workers compensation law suit against them, I have serious health issues related to the fall and 2 close friends move out of state and another passed away from lung cancer. My daughters (grown) live in NYC which is about an hour from me and with my back problems, traveling is difficult. So I felt very alone. I looked around my life and did not see anyone – family & friends, offering support, care or concern. All I heard was – well you know how “they” are. I had spent so many years and so much energy always supporting everyone else – and when I needed the same – no one was there.
    Boy was I (and still am) angry. I never did what I did for pay back – but what the hell – what happened to Karma.
    I felt very betrayed, and like you, mad at myself thinking that I created all this by not balancing my giving. I also must say that as a fellow “people pleaser” I have found that my circle of friends and family seemed to gravitate towards me “because of my ability to help and support”. So everyone around me needed me, yet they were not capable of giving me what I needed. A tough place to be!
    I’ve struggled recently, like you with blaming myself. I try to convince myself to “shut out” these people that can’t be there in the way I want or need them to. When I do that, I don’t feel like me. It is not me to turn away from people.
    I’ve come to think that those of us who are born and breed to be compassionate, helping beings – are unique creatures. Capable of being around pain and coming out the other side, the world needs us. I agree that out of balance – we will drain as you and I both have done. It is difficult for a people pleaser or care give to reinforce or even see boundaries when someone is hurting. We just jump into the water – swim to the victim – not just throw in the life line. We swim in and drag them out, sometimes almost taking ourselves with them.
    So for me, and I don’t know if you will find any wisdom in this – is about learning and more importantly accepting who I am. It is a wonderful gift to be a compassionate human being. Courageous to be able to sit with someone in the midst of their pain. That takes strength.
    My advise to you is to see yourself as the wonderful gift you are. Your compassion is boundless. Balance and caring for yourself is a must. It is true you cannot give what you don’t have and like you, when I was depleted, I was unable to help myself.
    I’ve learned that I cannot change who I am. I am proud of the fact that I have helped so many people without judgment. I don’t have to “change” myself – I just need to establish better boundaries. But the bottom line is that people like us rarely get the return compassion that we provide to others. And when we do so much for so many, we wonder why the same energy does not flow back.
    I am still working with forgiving people who weren’t there for me. I am still working on not over extending myself, and unfortunately now that I’m aging and dealing with my own health issues, the world is teaching me that by way of my own limitations now.
    My point is – it is okay to be who you are – you were born to help – that is honorable – but try giving your self the same gift you have been giving others – Self compassion, self caring and self nurturing. Once you realize how amazing you are – putting yourself first – will come somewhat easier – I pray that for the both of us. I hope that my sharing provided some insight if only in some of the similarities we have shared. I wish you much peace and healing….

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