Dear littlemisshoney:

You mentioned his childhood, a “traumatic upbringing,” that he was physically abused by his mother. How did it affect who he is today, do you think? How did his counseling help him…?

And, on that note, do you think that your own childhood, your own upbringing, has a role in your relationship situation with this man?

I will be back at the computer in about 10 hours and would like to re-read your original post and any additional one, if you choose to add to your post.

Good night:
anita

Hello Littlemisshoney,

I have five points that i wish to make, hopefully they are not to long 🙂

I think it would be wise to put a line in the sand, namely, i want you to disregard the first part of your life with your SO. From the moment that you got back together should be what should be concerning you. Since, in the past things were different as you have admitted. Your SO has also taken a step to better himself mentally by seeing a counsellor. Now that you have done that (and i know this is hard), try to look back on these memories, which you already are, but try to separate your feelings on the past from the realtiy. When you see a picture of you two together, try to recall the moment, not the image. When we see a smiling face from years before, unless we are in a happy place in the now, the past seems tainted. You have mentioned that you find it hard to think of the good times, i would assume that there are many, especially considering that you two ended up coming back together. I believe there is a flame within both of you, but it’s buried deep down and being repressed by your current feelings.

My second point is guilt. I feel from reading your post that you somehow feel responsible, almost guilty because you have been unable to help your SO. However, you should not be feeling guilty over something you didn’t cause. As a partner you shouldn’t be expected to carry the burden. You have been a supportive partner, which in this situation is all you can be. You can not fight your SO’s inner demons for him, he must conquer his own darkness within. I also think that’s something that is playing on your mind, if you leave, what will happen? what will he do to himself? Basically, anything that happens afterwards you may blame yourself for, even if you never involved in the process itself. Also, you may also be feeling guilty if you were to break up that you would find happiness he wouldn’t. I think this is natural since you don’t dislike him, you are just not happy within your own life anymore.

The third point; parenthood. I’m sorry that you had a miscarriage. I think getting over it will take time, nothing more nothing less. I think it plays on couples minds, it was so easy for them, why me? why us? I think time will heal these emotional scars, and i hope for the best for you in this part of your life. THis is also where i would like to bring up parenthood. If you feel you partner is emotionally distance, this isn’t necessarily going to change if your SO becomes a father. I believe that people can change their opinions, understandings and perspectives, but i don’t believe that one can truly change what they inherently are. Can you see your SO as a father? a role model? Being a parent isn’t an easy life, you become responsible for another life. Even if you became parents, do you think your SO would support you? Will he be that shoulder that you lean on for comfort? If you can’t, in your heart answer one way or another, then that in itself is an answer.

Fourth; he is good enough. I think you have the frame of mind, that your SO is just good enough. You have a biological clock ticking in your ear and you feel that you would rather be a mother before anything else. I believe that you clearly don’t think you are attractive enough to hook another guy. You clearly don’t think you have enough qualities that would make someone interested in you both sexually and romantically. Once again, i believe this is because you keep viewing yourself through your current lens. Do you really want to live your life, especially when you become a mother with someone that was just good enough. Sure, your feelings may change for your SO, he may prove himself capable, but this is the catch-22. Do you risk everything for uncertainty, or risk sanity for certainty?

My final point; you. My mother has a saying, “I would rather wake up alone and know who and what i am. Knowing that i have my own back, knowing that i can do whatever i set my mind to”. When you are in a relationship, my understanding it is meant to be a team, a team that works well. Sure, sometimes the team has issues with purpose, direction etc. But it still a team that both are mutually invested in. When you wake up, you should feel that your SO has your back, encourages your notion of who and what you are. A partner should be able to put your mind at rest, because with him by your side; you are validated. You are a girlfriend, a partner, a friend, a lover, a member of the team. You know who you are in relation to your SO. Do you know who you are now? You mentioned that you started to gain your confidence back after the first dissolution of your relationship, have things changed? I think you need to weigh up whether or not you want to continue to wake up feeling like the opposite of who you are or want to be; or do you want to wake up and look @ the mirror and say “i love you”? Do you love yourself, littlemisshoney? This is why i like my mother’s quote. I would rather spend the rest of my life alone, in my own company knowing that i’m who i want to be, that i love myself for my strengths and weaknesses. WHat about you?

At the end of the day, if you follow your heart, take the fall, and it’s what you want…..then it was worth it.

THanks for reading everything, I hope this has helped. Please if you have something to add or wish to comment, please continue to post.
Sincerely,
Matty