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When is it a "good" time to explain to your children about a possible divorce?

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Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)
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  • April 24, 2014 at 2:35 am #55291
    Paul
    Participant

    I have been married for 12 years. The past 3 years have been challenging. Finances, expectations, personal goals and just trying to make ends meet have been frustrating for us both. I love my wife dearly as she is and always will be my best friend. A few years after having our daughter, our intimacy has been slowly fading away. Finding time, making time it is hard with the children always around. And when we do get a chance alone, it’s hurried and excitement is short lived. Recently she has been looking withdrawn and short, not just with me, with the children. I asked her if she was ok, she said she is going through some emotional struggles about her life, our marriage. It was at that moment I felt like my lungs just collapsed and my world was about to shutdown. I was clearly not expecting that. She has been doing yoga the past year and has changed her diet, she was thinking maybe the sudden emotional roller coaster is attributed to her new diet. Not completely vegan, but more vegetarian, I don’t know? She was thinking about maybe it’s postpartum after my daughters birth, that’s 7 years ago? I know She loves me, I know she loves her children even more. Do I think the worst? She needs time she says. She says she can’t give me what I need right now, she has lost her intimacy for me. Every passing day, I ask myself what can I do? I don’t want to be pushy, I want to give her space to figure things out. My children will eventually see the signs, and start asking me questions about mommy. How do I explain it? Do I wait? Our children’s exposure to a separation or divorce is from their school mates that have divorced parents, and we explain in little detail. Not enough to have truly understand. I love them with every ounce of my soul, I need to be strong for them.
    Any suggestions?

    April 24, 2014 at 4:19 am #55295
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Hi Paul

    Thanks for your post. I admire people who can face their fears and get help early to bring more peace and happiness in life. You are obviously an insightful soul and I think you are awesome as well 🙂

    I am an optimist so I will share my personal perspective here and see if it resonates with you enough to save this marriage and learn the lessons that each situation puts in front of us.

    What do you want ? Do you want out or do you want to revive the relationship ? Depending on what you want, it will work out either way. To spend 12 years with someone and have kids with them is extremely beautiful and soul enriching. Yes, there are going to be times when things get tough during a relationship but it is during these times, we learn the most and become even more fulfilling and loving beings. Unless, your wife was beating you up or abusing you in other ways, I wouldn’t just let go of her that easy.

    She is going through an emotional roller coaster in her life for some very good reasons ( I am sure about this one) but she is also making some positive changes in her life as well, which is commendable. I know it is sometimes hard to understand why people suddenly become distant when they go through changes, but, it happens and it happens often. This is the time when you can use the situation to your advantage. You can become the bigger person that you are. You can accept her as she is and be there for her when she needs you. Physical intimacy is not all that is required for a strong or lasting relationship. You can develop a much stronger relationship by having an emotional intimacy, which is based on trust, respect, love and space for each other. It is based on the principle that we will help each other become a better person each day we are together. Are you helping her in that way ? If you are, great. If not, pls do consider some ways that can bring out the best in both of you. It is very easy to break off and start off with another person but the problems do not suddenly disappear until we learn the life lessons.

    If you do not want divorce, then do not pre-empt it. We are so used to jumping the gun that often we forget that what we think about the most with emotions, we become that. Everything becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

    You have a choice here – either evolve in a positive way and be there for your wife or plan for the worst. I know I have not answered the question that you have posted here but I hope you can appreciate my reasons for doing such a thing.

    Loads of positive energy coming your way,

    Jasmine

    April 24, 2014 at 11:09 pm #55352
    Paul
    Participant

    Aloha Jasmine.
    Your reply hit home in many ways. I was very hesitant to post anything, but your insight has rung true and has brought me new confidence and perspective. I believe in love, I know it will never abandon me or my children. Thank you do much in reinforcing my soul and making me feel that I’m not alone.

    April 25, 2014 at 12:19 am #55354
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Awesome Paul. I am so happy that my words resonated with your being.

    Now let the good things roll 🙂

    Best wishes,

    J

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