fbpx
Menu

when does the pain of separation disappear…im desperate

HomeForumsRelationshipswhen does the pain of separation disappear…im desperate

New Reply
Viewing 12 posts - 16 through 27 (of 27 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #71919
    kate
    Participant

    Hello again

    Well, I’ve been talking a lot to my therapist this past week and how i am handling this change in my life….and the very negative ways i am dealing with it – drinking mainly. I am doing the right thing in talking to her and sharing things with close friends, but the alcohol has become a little bit of a crutch (I’m not an alcoholic by any means, but I’m abusing it). And quite frankly, i feel like my life amounts to nothing now (rationally i know this is not true, but the pain of my divorce has been so much more than i had ever anticipated)

    She has suggested CODA meetings, AA meetings….i need support from my peers nd people in my shoes. Does anyone have any experience with this? How can i get to place of acceptance and self-love….i am failing here. Im struggling and my mind is in bad shape. What else can i do? She has even suggested i might consider going into a 24/7 treatment centre for extra support because my head has now developed some unhealthy thoughts/obsessions. my desperation is reaching new levels.

    #72259
    Ashley Arcel
    Participant

    Hi Kate,

    You’ve got alot of great support here! What you’ve just been through is so gut-wrenchingly painful that it is blinding. I know this. Many of us know this. The compounded feelings of betrayal, love, heartbreak and shock make for a deadly emotional cocktail that levels even the best among us and I truly admire you for being able to stand up underneath the weight.

    The unfortunate thing about relationships like this one is that the half-life of that type of love is often forever. What you feel and felt for that man was a complex cocktail of things and I’m willing to be that there is a piece of you that will always feel the wound of this…although I promise you it will NOT always be this grotesquely painful. Eventually, this will dull to be a spot that hurts when you poke it, yes, but not a spot that informs your daily life. For right now, take care of yourself, do all of the things your logical brain tells you to do, treat yourself as if you are breakable and try like hell to care for your own soul. You got dealt a hard blow, lovely, but you’ll come out of it one day and you’ll be better, stronger, broader and kinder than you were before. XO and all of my best,

    Ashley

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 9 months ago by tinybuddha.
    #72467
    Mgda
    Participant

    I can only agree with all the posts above. I have been through same situation, an believe it or not 3 times with the same man. I kept on forgiving and forgetting myself – just so I did not loose him. Well now he has cheated on me, and left me. I too have no job, no place to live, and starting from scratch. Yes it does take time to heal the pain, but this too shall pass.
    My only advice – it’s a practical one, and I only speak from personal experience, go TRAVEL! If possible, go on a yoga/meditation retreat in Asia. Get away, to a beautiful place where you can gather strength, where you can have a routine, healthy food, exercise for body and mind. Experience something new. For me, beeing away from the situation helps me get a better perspective.
    I wish you the best!

    #73604
    SIngh
    Participant

    emma88, thanks for the useless comment, its clear that you are just spamming this site and every forum topic to advertise your cheap site. Be considerate of others and refrain from commenting unless you ACTUALLY have something helpful to say.

    I’m sure this won’t stop you but I just wanted to put it out there any way.

    #73966
    S3r3nity
    Participant

    Dear Kate,

    I’m a little unsure whether “I’ve been in your shoe” but then again, because of what is happening/has happened to me, I’m no longer sure at anything anymore. But I see similarities though, and here is the long and short of it and I hope knowing that you aren’t alone will help you a little more.

    9 months ago I was living in a foreign city, beautiful but foreign no doubt, albeit having lived there for 7.5 years. It is foreign because I am originally from Asia and I’ve moved to this European city to be with my (ex)husband so that he can be with his family and all. I gave up very good job opportunities, suffered the loneliness in silence but thought I was doing good progress when I found work with kind-good people, made friends and had my little small circle of friends. This is after absolute struggles and heartaches from missing friends and family members.

    Then, all of a sudden, literally overnight, he returned home one afternoon to tell me that he was no longer in love with me. And I’m not the sort to be totally “up-in-the-air” type to ignore all the warnings. But we’ve been together for 13 yrs, been though so much (in-vitro to have our baby girl whom just turned 2 last Nov, moved from cities to cities, struggled with the death of his father etc.) We were married for 7 years and I just though we were going through a phase but then it happened.

    What followed through was more like a shock. I was told to pack my years worth of belongings from a place I’ve learnt to call home in 4 days and depart with our baby girl. If I don’t leave, he threatened suicide. And with no one to help me look after our daughter, I left heartbroken hoping that it’s just a temporary thing. That he’s just suffering from some kind of depression. I could’ve stayed but he needed professional help. And although I begged for him to let me stay by his side, I was told that I was the reason for his depression.

    Long story short, a few months into getting back to my home country (a place I’ve not lived in for almost 20 years), I’ve come to learnt that he’s love for me has died. He said so. And sadly, I feel so too. For all the things said and done, struggles or difficulties, none would’ve mattered if there was “love”. And I told myself I gotta be strong so that my girl wouldn’t suffer the consequences as much.

    Fast forward 9 months, I divorced him and obtained full custody of our child. He’s in a limbo, claiming now that being close to his daughter is the “mission of his life” but that “things are just over” between us. Believe me when I said there is no quarrel or hoo-haas. I believe myself to be too heartbroken but I wanted to snap out of it so looked for a job, am no 6 months into it and am settling down into a new but uncertain life.

    I’ve tried support group (once) and met some people whom I’d call “friends” today. And I haven’t got many friends but these two that I kinda will go out with once in a while. But divorce is such a lonely matter. I feel defeated and lost. Things written on paper and what I feel don’t seem to synchronize properly. I keep searching on the internet and they all said the same. Allow yourself to grieve, learn to love yourself etc. etc. which I’m doing everything possible. I bought and borrowed left-right and center all the self-help books, enrolled in “hypnotic audio CDs” online and even went for counselling. I’m doing everything possible but 9 months already, I still find myself tearing if I allow myself to which I hate.

    But it does get slightly better. I’m not sure better is the right word. But it does get different if you get what I mean. One doesn’t stay in the same state for too long. Foe the better or the worse, I can tell you that things change and will change. You will feel differently even though not necessarily better but definitely different.

    #73989
    Melanie McGregor
    Participant

    Hi there Kate, I thought I would send you a message. When a relationship ends it is devastating to say the least. However what you are doing and going through is a very healthy process. To let out all these feelings only does you good rather than holding them in and crying is a great way to release all the built up emotions.Yes healing takes time and it can feel so lonely and feel like everything is stacked up against you however everything that happened in the world is for a reason. You have to go through these life problems so you can learn from these experiences and be the stronger better self that you can be. Think of a tree when it starts growing it goes through so many storms and so much hard times but it endures this and through its journey grows into a mightier tree. Just like you will face these storms in life to reach your highest potential. This situation does not have to be bad it is a way of helping you evolve. I know its hard to take this in when you feel so low and upset but situations like this can help you take a new path places you never dreamed of and those will indeed be happier places. You have an opportunity here to turn your life around, we are all tested and challenged in life and its how we face these fears and challenges that create us. Be strong, set small achievable goals even if its take a small walk but try focus your energy elsewhere slowly and gradually so that you lose sight of the negativity in what has happened. He is a suffering soul too just as we all are and everyone does what they can to obtain their own happiness do not let him define you. If you and him were meant to be it the situation would not be as it is, you deserve better and will get better. He came into your life and left your life for a reason an you will figure that out when the time is right. Use this time now to figure out who you are what makes you happy and be the best that you can be. Letting go is not easy when it comes to people but it can be done just take it at your own pace and try not to harbour any ill feelings as that does nothing for you it will just hold you back from healing.
    This is not a step back you are on the right path of recovery and onto bigger and better things. In time you will look back and thank him for this experience as it will open more doors for you than staying with someone that was not right for you by any means.

    #74079
    Benny
    Participant

    Kate, I am so sorry for your pain. I have a completely different story. But I know of the all-encompassing pain you speak of. I am just over a year appart from my wife, partner of 11 years and we have 2 kids which we share custody of. Now I have moments when I get swept up in just how beautiful the world is and feel the deep desire to overcome it all and find that happiness I had again. But I’m equally too easily swept down in the turmoil of despair that I’ve known for too many exhausting weeks now, when I see how easily she has moved on, when I am so stuck and missing her like hell. I think the advice here from these great people is very sound, not that it is any way easy to apply. I don’t have answers, I don’t have the clear way forward for myself, so I can’t offer them to you. But I can offer my thoughts and simpathies. I really do hope you find the strong, happy and resillient person you were again. Able to see the unbelievable beauty in the world, and let it heal you.
    Kind regards, Ben.

    #102438
    Tia
    Participant

    My lovely friend. How are you today? Well, I am going through the separation process at present and have been treated really bad by my cruel husband and in-laws . He has no remorse and doesn’t even care, if i exist. I gave it all and got nothing back. Here, i came across your feelings. How empty and shattered you feel.. I gave 6 years of my life to him. I am 32 and yes confused, bitter, irritated and what not! yes, but one thing that i am sure of is ‘let me be alone’. You were born to live by yourself and love yourself first. Others may or may not give you love the way you want.

    This is going to make you rock solid. I am broken and still i am encouraging you, as i know how worse it feels to go through all this. The betrayal, lies and still you see that person enjoying and flirting.

    Why should you even love this man? Is he worth at all? You are alone and feeling empty but definitely there is no one playing with your precious feelings at present. I see around my friends having babies, roaming around the world and here i am writing to you. Please smile. You have someone exactly like you here. Do write me back and don’t forget to have your favorite dessert. 🙂

    #102440
    Positive Thinking
    Participant

    Hi Kate and everyone else who has gone through betrayal and disappointment,

    I am wondering if it would help if you gave permission to your ex to leave, in fact not only give them permission, but thank them for exiting your life, and make space for love to enter it.

    We all know love is not something we can control, so let us not settle for pity in it’s place. Let us not consider anyone duty bound to love us, instead let us put that onus on ourselves.

    Sorry if this sounds unrealistic, but I have found this way of thinking helpful.

    Hope it helps you.

    #167686
    Gaga
    Participant

    Hi

    I read your posts and thought that my actual situation is quite similar and so I just wanted to know how it went and if you fell better now, and if you discovered something that really helped that you would share. Thanks

    #217679
    Celeste C
    Participant

    Hi Kate,

    I just came across your post today. I am going through ao many of the exact emotions your described. Here is it 3 years later for you. I am wondering how are you doing? How long would you say it took you to start to get the light the pain and start to feel better?

    I am struggling daily to find a ray of sunshine.

     

    Best,

    Celeste

     

    #217685
    Celeste C
    Participant

    Hi Gaga,

    I am going through this now. How have you been doing since your post in September 2017?

     

    Thanks,

    Celeste

Viewing 12 posts - 16 through 27 (of 27 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.