I can only agree with all the posts above. I have been through same situation, an believe it or not 3 times with the same man. I kept on forgiving and forgetting myself – just so I did not loose him. Well now he has cheated on me, and left me. I too have no job, no place to live, and starting from scratch. Yes it does take time to heal the pain, but this too shall pass.
My only advice – it’s a practical one, and I only speak from personal experience, go TRAVEL! If possible, go on a yoga/meditation retreat in Asia. Get away, to a beautiful place where you can gather strength, where you can have a routine, healthy food, exercise for body and mind. Experience something new. For me, beeing away from the situation helps me get a better perspective.
I wish you the best!

Dear Kate,

I’m a little unsure whether “I’ve been in your shoe” but then again, because of what is happening/has happened to me, I’m no longer sure at anything anymore. But I see similarities though, and here is the long and short of it and I hope knowing that you aren’t alone will help you a little more.

9 months ago I was living in a foreign city, beautiful but foreign no doubt, albeit having lived there for 7.5 years. It is foreign because I am originally from Asia and I’ve moved to this European city to be with my (ex)husband so that he can be with his family and all. I gave up very good job opportunities, suffered the loneliness in silence but thought I was doing good progress when I found work with kind-good people, made friends and had my little small circle of friends. This is after absolute struggles and heartaches from missing friends and family members.

Then, all of a sudden, literally overnight, he returned home one afternoon to tell me that he was no longer in love with me. And I’m not the sort to be totally “up-in-the-air” type to ignore all the warnings. But we’ve been together for 13 yrs, been though so much (in-vitro to have our baby girl whom just turned 2 last Nov, moved from cities to cities, struggled with the death of his father etc.) We were married for 7 years and I just though we were going through a phase but then it happened.

What followed through was more like a shock. I was told to pack my years worth of belongings from a place I’ve learnt to call home in 4 days and depart with our baby girl. If I don’t leave, he threatened suicide. And with no one to help me look after our daughter, I left heartbroken hoping that it’s just a temporary thing. That he’s just suffering from some kind of depression. I could’ve stayed but he needed professional help. And although I begged for him to let me stay by his side, I was told that I was the reason for his depression.

Long story short, a few months into getting back to my home country (a place I’ve not lived in for almost 20 years), I’ve come to learnt that he’s love for me has died. He said so. And sadly, I feel so too. For all the things said and done, struggles or difficulties, none would’ve mattered if there was “love”. And I told myself I gotta be strong so that my girl wouldn’t suffer the consequences as much.

Fast forward 9 months, I divorced him and obtained full custody of our child. He’s in a limbo, claiming now that being close to his daughter is the “mission of his life” but that “things are just over” between us. Believe me when I said there is no quarrel or hoo-haas. I believe myself to be too heartbroken but I wanted to snap out of it so looked for a job, am no 6 months into it and am settling down into a new but uncertain life.

I’ve tried support group (once) and met some people whom I’d call “friends” today. And I haven’t got many friends but these two that I kinda will go out with once in a while. But divorce is such a lonely matter. I feel defeated and lost. Things written on paper and what I feel don’t seem to synchronize properly. I keep searching on the internet and they all said the same. Allow yourself to grieve, learn to love yourself etc. etc. which I’m doing everything possible. I bought and borrowed left-right and center all the self-help books, enrolled in “hypnotic audio CDs” online and even went for counselling. I’m doing everything possible but 9 months already, I still find myself tearing if I allow myself to which I hate.

But it does get slightly better. I’m not sure better is the right word. But it does get different if you get what I mean. One doesn’t stay in the same state for too long. Foe the better or the worse, I can tell you that things change and will change. You will feel differently even though not necessarily better but definitely different.

Kate, I am so sorry for your pain. I have a completely different story. But I know of the all-encompassing pain you speak of. I am just over a year appart from my wife, partner of 11 years and we have 2 kids which we share custody of. Now I have moments when I get swept up in just how beautiful the world is and feel the deep desire to overcome it all and find that happiness I had again. But I’m equally too easily swept down in the turmoil of despair that I’ve known for too many exhausting weeks now, when I see how easily she has moved on, when I am so stuck and missing her like hell. I think the advice here from these great people is very sound, not that it is any way easy to apply. I don’t have answers, I don’t have the clear way forward for myself, so I can’t offer them to you. But I can offer my thoughts and simpathies. I really do hope you find the strong, happy and resillient person you were again. Able to see the unbelievable beauty in the world, and let it heal you.
Kind regards, Ben.

Hi Kate and everyone else who has gone through betrayal and disappointment,

I am wondering if it would help if you gave permission to your ex to leave, in fact not only give them permission, but thank them for exiting your life, and make space for love to enter it.

We all know love is not something we can control, so let us not settle for pity in it’s place. Let us not consider anyone duty bound to love us, instead let us put that onus on ourselves.

Sorry if this sounds unrealistic, but I have found this way of thinking helpful.

Hope it helps you.

Hi Kate,

I just came across your post today. I am going through ao many of the exact emotions your described. Here is it 3 years later for you. I am wondering how are you doing? How long would you say it took you to start to get the light the pain and start to feel better?

I am struggling daily to find a ray of sunshine.

Best,

Celeste