Oh my goodness…
such pain
I am sorry

6 months isn’t so long to feel this much hurt and pain and rage.
I think it is kind of normal. But it is hurting you so bad and that is the problem. I get it.

You left your home for this man. Married him. 2 months later he is gone.
Yes, you are full rage mode mad!
Deserve to be as mad as hell.
And you would take him back.

Ok… now that is where I have to ask you why?

What is it about this particular man that is so wonderful that you want him back after how he has treated you?
Dear Lord in Heaven…..

I want you to get some SELF LOVE.

I know… I know…. you hurt and are angry and your life is ruined.

But it’s not.

Just know that in the depths of this pain and anger and rage at him that there is another beautiful life for you.
It will rise from these sorry ashes.
Just let that glimmer of true invade this sorrow for a second if you can.
Because I am praying for you.
And I know prayer changes things.

Hold on tight.

OK?

Don’t let this anger and rage rot away at you. Just don’t. Keep kicking it out the door until it is gone for good.

A day will come when you can let it go.

Your heart will open and a better, loving, honest, good man will sweep you off of your feet and you will know why this one left.

To make room for the true one.

Just allow yourself to believe this for a second.
K?

Hi Kate,

I read your post and it brought tears to my eyes. I have been there and I know what you are going through. So many of the things you wrote mirror what happened to me a few years ago. I was married to a woman that cheated on me and it took quite some time to get over it. My marriage was going on the 16th year when I found out through emails that she was cheating. I have two sons and that’s probably the biggest difference with what you said in your post. I had to struggle to be there for them too while I went through this.

It does get better but everyone gets over things at their own pace. I tried to save my marriage for about 6 months and that delayed the whole process of getting over it. It probably took a year to feel a little more like myself again. I hope it’s sooner for you.
I understand going through all the holidays and anniversaries is heartbreaking. Just feel what you are feeling at the time and move past them. I was lucky enough to have a family and friends that cared about what I was going through. If you have great friends that will be there for you, take that help. I went to counseling and I also went to a divorce support group. I have found it was truly helpful to release what I was feeling about what happened.

It will get better. I was a wreck for about the same time. I never thought I would stop feeling that anguish but I did. You are a young intelligent woman, and that moron blew it. I want to say that I love my boys, and wouldn’t give them up for the world, but be glad you didn’t have kids with this guy. You don’t have to have anything to do with him again. I will always have a connection to the lowlife I was married to.

Kate, my heart goes out to you because I have walked the same path you are on. You should start doing some of the things on list you mentioned. You need it. Don’t isolate yourself. I know it isn’t good for you.

I want to mention one last thing. You said you were going through hell right now. I read a quote by Winston Churchill when I was going through this. It said, ” If you are going through hell, keep going” Don’t give up. You are better than this thing that happened to you.

Hi Kate,

It sounds like you have made some positive steps towards getting out of a tough situation, which is not easy since your ex left you in a messy situation with little support. By going into therapy and moving his stuff out, there is a spark within you that says “well this is crap but it’s not going to beat me” and there is not much I can add in that area. The trouble is that when we have a relationship break up, it is very easy to focus on the past (e.g. reviewing what you could have done to change the outcome) and the future (e.g. how can I ever love again?). As there is nothing we can do to change the past and our future is yet to be determined, the only thing we can focus on is the present.

A suggestion I have for this is in addition to all the work you are doing with the overcoming your grief, do something that you enjoy and/or always have an interest in. At the moment, you may find it difficult to muster up the energy to try something new but one of the ways to become more optimistic about the future is to have something to look forward to in your calendar. This will also give your mind a chance to focus on something else and an opportunity to meet new people. By this I don’t mean you should jump into another relationship but as you’ve already recognised, the best way to convince that little voice in your mind that you are not going to be alone is to be with people who appreciates your company.

I have no advice but wanted to let you know you are not alone. I am in a very similar place right now. I am struggling mightily to find myself, my motivation, my desire to move in any direction let alone forward and away from him.

He has made it clear that he does not want me but there is still a part of me that can’t stop wondering if reconciliation could happen though it would be an emotionally unhealthy choice for me given the treatment I have tolerated as the relationship ended.

I hate that I am struggling and wallowing in this pit of despair but feel helpless to pull myself out of it and reestablish the sense of self worth I had prior to this relationship.

I just wanted to echo what sara80 said above – neither of you two are alone in this struggle or this situation. Even when we know that the people we thought we knew or once loved are bad for us and don’t deserve our presence in their lives, it’s really difficult to dissociate ourselves because you must mourn both the person you thought would never hurt you as well as the future you’ll never have. And even when they’re scum, when they’ve made it clear that they don’t “want you” there’s this part that asks, well if they’re so awful and don’t deserve me anyway, why don’t they want me??

Allow yourself to do that mourning and feel that sadness. Don’t hate yourself or fight yourself for still wanting it to work out in your heart because you’re grieving a real loss – the person you thought you knew has died, is never coming back, and it’s okay to miss him, but know that the him that exists now is nowhere near the same person you once let into your heart. I think there’s a guilt that comes in recognizing that you do miss someone who people says you shouldn’t. That you should be too angry and stronger than to still have any feelings for a lying cheater. But that’s just not the way it works – you’re not weak for missing him, you’re just human.

Kate,

I may not be the most credible person to respond to you, as I battle some major ghosts related to going through my own series of disappointments and subsequent emotionally crippling trigger responses for years now afterwards. But, please hear me out ok? I married at 26 and started a life with a woman who, at the time, I thought was a lifetime partner. About 7 years into the marriage, I caught her on the computer with someone that, after six months of knowing there was an issue but her denying it, she finally admitted to an affair. We worked through it and I even accepted her reasoning as why I was partially to blame. Later, we had another child. I started to suspect she was having an affair with my boss at work, though again she denied it. When my second was born, there were possibly questions if she was even mine! Then came a litany of people, phone calls, hang ups, hidden and financially crippling bad behavior, etc. It kept boiling and boiling and finally, it came to a head and I had to leave. This was the hardest thing in the world to do for me, as I loved my children so very much that I was riddled with guilt. I was 40, left with nothing (ex had house, all kids’ stuff, etc) as I did not want to burden my kids with so much stress, and moved into an apartment. (My ex wanted nothing to do with the kids for a while so they stayed with me 7 days a week). I swore that I could never love anyone again. I suffered years (15) of emotional abuse, lies, deception at every level, betrayal, etc. I was at a very low point in my life. Here’s where I want you to listen long and hard to me. I developed cancer 10 months after I moved out. After about 9 months of being alone and swearing off women, I met a lady who I began to date – she’s now my wife. I made all my expectations, trust issues, deep rooted hurt, etc., known to her so that I wouldn’t shock her. I even told her about the deep, dark thoughts I had. Well, a month into dating me she found a nodule on my chest and pushed me to see a doctor. It turned out to be a very aggressive form of cancer that could have killed me had it stayed for even a month more than it did. I look back and think of all the misery that I went through, years of emotional anguish, punishing myself, desperation, stress and adrenaline dumps, and recognize that I allowed myself to bottle it all up and my body turned against me.

I suffer from PTSD from many of the negative events of my life and am prone to massive anxiety now due to the smallest of triggers, and I have found this website and community quite supportive and helpful. The point of my writing is to say that when I went through all of the things I went through and look back, I still, even with the shit that gets crazy and sideways in my head, consider it all a gift of living. You are given a gift now of suffering and hurt. Not just at the superficial level that your husband left (think of living a life of lies – it’s not fun – I did….I wish my ex had just left instead of all the lies and crazy making), but also the much deeper level. You are experiencing life at the rawest, fullest form of emotion. I hate when I feel as down as I do. I wish I had greater lucidity of thought. I wish I was more adept at taking in the negative, processing it, and letting it go. But for the love of the beauty in the world, do not give in to the dark thoughts.

When I was 18 I was heading down a dark road due to my environment. I volunteered at a cancer clinic for kids. I colored with a girl for a few months and one day walked into the parent kitchen and her mom was crying and talking to a staff member. They were making funeral plans for the little girl. She died not too long after that. I realized, at that time, that my life had meaning which transcended me. I made a difference to that girl. We laughed and were goofy and colored, and it was beautiful. It was a gift. It changed my path in life and made me a better man. Your emotions make you beautiful. Your pain makes you beautiful. You are experiencing the uncertainty of life. I am not an expert, and in many ways am similar to you. It is a battle to wake up and start my day sometimes. I’ve had two weeks of anxiety and crying recently over issues that don’t pertain to my present, but assail my mind none the less. But I still see the beauty in the world I live in.

Kate, I fed a hummingbird today with my hands (holding a bird feeder). I don’t think I have to look much further than that to see the beauty in all things. The pain is there and it is reminding you that you are alive. My scars from having my cancer ripped out are horribly ugly and painful. Four years later they still hurt and burn. And I love them, because they remind me that I am alive.

I hope this helps. I apologize if it doesn’t. I don’t respond often to posts, I just don’t want you to hurt. I don’t know you, but as many people on this website, I don’t want you to hurt.

Please be well.