Sapna,

That reminds me of a story regarding Ananda. He was a close friend of the Buddha, and was at his side during most of his teachings. After the Buddha died, Ananda wept for the loss of his dear friend and teacher. But a deeper weeping set upon Ananda as he realized that in all those years, after hearing the dharma from Buddha on countless occasions he had not yet become enlightened. He wept at the loss of his own freedom, because the teacher was now gone. All night he cried, and in the morning became enlightened. He had placed the ability to awaken on the Buddha, and with him gone had no where to turn but inside, where he found his peace.

Perhaps you’ve been putting the keys to your happiness in the hands of your partner. I wonder if the exhusband is that voice inside that says you cannot do it alone, that someone out here controls your fate. This is not the case. Perhaps the relationships you’ve had continue to arise like they do because even though they are painful, they feel more like home than your own heart. In the heart is pure potential, where, with freedom on our breath we step with courage into the unknown. Just because the ex husband says that you cannot change, grow, become… means nothing unless you agree with him. If you don’t, it is simply his lack of clear seeing and compassion. Why make it about you?

Consider that there is a seed of the Buddha in each of us, and that seed needs only rain and water. There is no such thing as “broken beyond repair” or “worthless”. There is the seed, and then the soil in which it is buried. As your heart grows its roots outward, it is normal to uncover what has been holding us back from joy. The dream is perhaps that soil, which nourishes the seed. Said differently, you know it was only a dream, and yet it was vivid and potent. As you let go of this notion that other people determine your fate, the exhusband loses his power over your emotions and becomes fuel for growth. Where else in the waking world does the ex husband still have a grip?

Seeing it is enough, its OK to let it go. The exhusband is also the Buddha, and in all these years next to him you haven’t awakened, and so create him over and over. Let it go, he holds no keys for you. Those are in the trees and the wind, the song of change and growth all around you. As you sit and let him go, what was lost is found. The pain of sorrow is only there to wake us up. Then we can let go, we can see what connection to cut, what view to abandon.

Pema Chodron has a great book “When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times” that may strike you well. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt