Oh my goodness.. U were right when u wrote a response to my disappointment other day, it’s like if I just had de ja vu. I have been experiencing the exact same things with my ex. I can’t tell you all of the advice my friends have given me and all of the false hope I have felt throught this process. It’s so hard to make sense of a lot of what’s going on…I clearly remember the days when my ex told me that if only I knew how much he loved me, that I was amazing, and that a future with me would be the best thing for him. He would look for me non stop and wait for me after work to walk me to the car, and he would txt me quite a bit…..it has all just stopped. You and I should hang out, lol;). On a more serious note, it’s taking time for me this time to deal with it all, idk your age but I’m 38 yrs old and I guess I really thought this guy was the one. You see I’ve been divorced twice and have had several long term relationships but for some reason they just haven’t worked out for me…kinda feel like I’m just meant to ride solo. Journaling helps…I can’t say when it’ll help see positive side to doing but I can say that my journal is filled with so much emotion and hurt and questions. From the outside looking in, everyone who has ever gone through what you and I have have survived and gotten something better. I believe in a higher being and that He has a plan for all of us. We are not always gonna have our every hearts desire but all we can do is wait adm trust in what ever that plan may be…even though I’ve expressed grief, anger, impatience, and doubt I now see that if I’ve survived the hardest things a person can possibly face….divorce, physical and verbal abuse, and being left a single mom with four kids with out any help, I can get through this…and so can you. We can’t see the forest from the trees but I know that we and whoever is facing similar problems can rise above this and come out not only ahead but with more blessings because we gave each relationship our all.

Hi Sapnap3 and E

I was just thinking about this same topic recently and I had a few insights about false hope. I think one of the problems many of us have in our society is a belief in, “the one”. It’s so common that we forget the reality. Can you remember the time in your life when you didn’t know this person? Can you remember other relationships in which you thought that person was the one, even if it were only for a little while?

Often the reason we were attracted to this person to begin with was that they offered us something that we felt we were lacking in ourselves. It could be a different way of living, or view on the world. They could offer us confidence, or spiritual growth of some kind. Once you know what quality it is that drew you to this person it will be easier to there are other people in the world who can offer many of the same qualities you are drawn to. I am not saying this is an answer, but just some things I have been wondering about lately.

One thing I have been wondering is why do we completely accept it and move on when someone dies, but we can’t completely accept and move on so easily after a breakup?

Sapnap,

I’m empathetic to your struggles, and wish happiness and peace for you. This reminds me of a teaching from Zen. You will feel better in 3 months time. If you work really hard at letting the false hope fade, you will feel better in 6 months time. Do you see?

It is like someone who thinks their bottom is too fat, and that makes them depressed. So they go to the freezer and pull out chocolate ice cream to make themselves feel better. Do you see?

Said differently, you were with him, and now you’re alone. This naturally makes you feel lonely. When you feel lonely, you imagine him as the solution to your loneliness, because when you were with him you did not feel alone. But he’s gone, so you feel even more lonely. Its a cycle that you have to let go of! When you feel lonesome, do something else, anything else but travel back in time in your mind and make wishes that you could do that again.

He doesn’t owe you closure in the way you wish it, let go of that one too. Its just more craving for ice cream, because you don’t like the emotions in your body. Perhaps you could cry, scream, get some hugs from your friends, go for a walk, do some meditation, climb a mountain, swim in a lake… but get out of your head and your addiction to that man.

With warmth,
Matt

Sapna,

I’m very sorry for the continual isolation you’ve experienced, and questioning love makes sense. It is sometimes difficult to believe, but each of us has a path to joy and fulfillment… we just have to figure out where to place our next footfall. It is difficult sometimes, because the path of joy is said to be one in which we follow our heart, yet our heart seems to have lead us into painful experiences, so how could that be?

When you say that you don’t believe in love, despite the deep sorrw those words represent, they made me smile. Not believe in love? I doubt that is what you are doubting… it would be like not believing in air. Perhaps you doubt that you are worthy of love.

That’s pretty normal, and something many of us struggle with. Perhaps it would be easier to look at it in two different ways. Conditional and unconditional love. Romantic love is a conditional love, where our heart blossoms with great warmth because the conditions are right. He is pretty, attentive, well mannered, committed and so forth, and so romantic love blooms. When those conditions fade or change, the romantic love remains as an echo from the conditions.

Unconditional love is not dependent on conditions. We all have the capacity for it, but most do not spend the time to cultivate that sense. For unconditional love, we have to be able to see beyond appearances into the truth of what is present. Otherwise as soon as painful or confusing conditions arise, we collapse our love into judgement. For instance, those girls who saw unfavorable conditions did not offer you their love… not one of the three of you understood what was really happening, so the love collapsed into a “dirty girl” idea that stuck. Right then, you didn’t have the information to know it was abusive, so their assessment probably seemed more simple than your own. After all, sexual contact is an unusual mix of vulnerability, need, pleasure and connection. That’s a lot for a young girl to experience! Of course you would have confusion… and those girls offered you a very simple picture. That their picture wasn’t true is of little consequence.

Fast forward to now, you think your destiny is to be alone. That is another simple picture which is easier than the confusing one. “What is it that I am doing which prevents the conditions of romantic love for arising?” brings up confusion, where “forever alone” is simple.

Unfortunately for you, you’re a romantic. 🙂 So you’re going to keep trying and trying, because beyond the addiction to “that man”, there is still a heart filled with such bounty that it will push you to share and share and share and share. The good news is as you keep walking the path you’re on, you’re growing into a wise woman. This will help your next relationship be far better than you could have had with the old.

You don’t have to “sort out it all now” because healing is a matter of pulling one thorn out at a time, and giving the time and attention needed to let the wound heal. Settling the inner addiction to male attention is here and now, and you’re already doing well at staying alert to the cycles. Just keep breathing and letting it settle. Even though it feels good and right to let the mind wander on and on, it is actually much kinder to bring your attention back into your body, into the senses… what colors are around you? What sounds do you hear?

Keep asking, keep reaching, keep learning, and you allow the unconditional love in this world to help. We remain poised and curious about developing our heart, and the answers come. Sometimes they are painful and we cry, sometimes funny and we laugh. But we stay open, and over time become the wisdom and love we have been seeking.

With warmth,
Matt

Sapna,

Letting go while hanging on must be very confusing! My teacher said that letting go is about working with the emotions skillfully. Imagine the memories and feelings like a powerful wind. When that wind blows up against our house (body) we try to close the front door and keep them out. This is like telling yourself not to think about something, or not feel something. We end up putting all of our weight against the door, and still the wind blows harder.

Instead, we open the back door and let the wind blow right through. This is what we do when we accept that the pain, feelings and memories are present and here, now. Instead of forcing them away, we go and find a chair and sit and let the wind blow right through. The wind isn’t the danger, your sorrow is not the danger. The danger is how much life and vitality you use up when you are trying to keep the front door closed. Said differently, you don’t have to do anything with the emotions… as you breathe they will settle. Finding a chair and sitting down is how we stop ourselves from running around the house afraid that we’ll lose something if we don’t chase the wind. Said differently, there isn’t a need to keep chasing thoughts around your head looking for answers. As you simply notice the thoughts and let them pass through, the emotions will settle with time.

Instead, what’s happening is you’re following the thoughts around until you’re exhausted, or encounter an unsolvable puzzle (over the phone, that’s not good enough!!) and then all of your vitality goes right into the puzzle. Then, oops! Where’d sapna go?

Ajahn Jayasaro has a counting breath meditation on YouTube that will help with your concentration, so you’re not being run by your mind. Instead, you can do something different. Consider how much beauty is around you (that you can’t see) because your mind sucks all of your attention into the past! Its OK, but you deserve way better.

With warmth,
Matt