When does feeling good about yourself become self-righteous?

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This topic has 7 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 11 months ago by sandy.

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January 23, 2014 at 9:29 am #49618

Dan
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I have been working to improve the quality of my life, through things like meditation and connecting to others more. One thing I am trying to do is send out a positive email to people each day to increase my feelings of social support and connection to people, and make a path for positive energy.

But when I was done doing so, I felt really good about myself, and something struck me as a little off putting about this. Is it bad to think you are doing good things? I view self-righteousness as thinking you are superior to others, and I definitely do not feel that. I want to send out the email to spread out positivity to others, and feel like I got their back, which makes me feel good.

But the thing is, I am not used to doing this, and when I initially made the email, I just thought “I’m just doing this so I can feel better about myself”. Like I didn’t sit down out of some pressing urge to reach out to others and make them feel good, I was sitting down because someone recommended that doing that would make me happier. I guess I wanted it to be more genuine, like I decided to sit down and write the email because this person really made me happy and I want them to know. But I’m doing it as part of a series of things to feel good (see the link at the bottom of the post). I don’t want the emails I send to be just a check off the list of things I need to do.

But on second thought, isn’t the fact that I would LIKE the emails to be genuine reason enough? Even though the initial reason I was doing the email was for this selfish reason, I really meant what I wrote to this person, and I really wanted to make the person feel good, but I felt like feeling good about myself for doing something like that just makes me selfish; even though I meant what I said, the fact that I was doing it as part of some routine made me feel bad. There was nothing in the email that I made up, and it felt good to write. But I would like the initial reason I sent the email to be different. I feel like I might just be telling myself a story about my motives. At the end of the day, I WANTED the email to be genuine and I made damn sure that everything I wrote came from the heart, and it did. But I guess the fact that it came from a routine I am starting has me down, and in writing that, my feelings just seem kind of goofy. I’m starting to really think that I’m not doing something wrong, but I am so used to being down on myself, that my brain is LOOKING FOR reasons to be down. But the whole reason I started this routine is because I want to feel happier about myself and to connect to others better, and that has got to count for something.

But I think I might be feeling something that everyone does. Of course people can send emails to others because the other person made them happy. But technically, we do that because it makes US feel good. So in a way, even a selfless act is selfish in a sort of non-negative way, isn’t that right? I guess I’m wondering if there is a difference between “feeling good” and “feeling good about yourself”. Like the instant I feel good about myself, my mind sends out a hot lash of reprimand, but if I were to just “feel good” then I wouldn’t be selfish. But isn’t the very act of life one of selfishness? Perhaps that word has too much of a negative connotation connected to it.

I have a tendency to get down on what kind of person I am. I would always mark myself off as a bad person, and even though I couldn’t find a real reason, the feelings persisted. But there is another part of me welling up now, saying “Why does feeling good about yourself make you such a criminal?” Funny how when I get my thoughts down in writing, they just seem irrational and silly. But as we all know, these feelings do not always last. But I really feel like I am coming out of a slump.

January 23, 2014 at 9:30 am #49619

Dan
Participant

Gah! I forgot, here is said article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shawn-achor/happiness-leads-to-success_b_940611.html#slide=343463

January 23, 2014 at 12:26 pm #49623

Jade
Participant

I think one of the things that a lot of us struggle to accept is that we will be superior to some people in certain ways, and other people will be superior to us in other ways. That’s just human nature, we vary and we all have different strengths and weaknesses. It’s not self-righteous for me to accept and acknowledge that I have certain skills or strengths. And it isn’t selfish to find pleasure in your own strengths and happiness. But to people like you and I who are recovering self-critics, it can seem like a bizarre notion!

I think that it’s great that you are working on ways to feel more positive, and yes in the beginning it’s going to feel strange and fake, like you are posturing. But give it time and routine, and eventually you will be able to acknowledge your positivity without guilt.

January 23, 2014 at 12:46 pm #49625

Matt
Participant

Dan,

I struggled with this same idea. Its said that generosity produces joy, but if we know that, can we really be generous? Doesn’t giving from a place of wanting joy reduce the authenticity of the giving? If we’re motivated by a self-centric drive to be joyous, doesn’t that corrupt our giving? The simple answer, nope.

Consider that when we feel cruddy, such as being in a slump, places us in a icky mental state that pushes us to feel better. You feel crappy, and reach for connection to help you feel better. That’s fine, normal and usual. What happens is an erosion of the icky feelings, and as they go, the nature of giving becomes more and more clear intended. Said differently, the aim is to give just to give, but that really only happens after the joy is well rooted. Until then, doing good deeds for the mutual benefit is the path.

However, its only a raft, a mechanism. As you keep giving, opening, connecting, at some point you’ll reach a state of fusion, where things connect and there is a self-sustaining joy inside you. Then you’ll still give, but thoughts of you don’t really come up.

Said differently, when we intend to give, it isn’t for the benefit of others exclusively. You are part of the picture, dear brother, and so being generous to the world includes being generous to you, such as doing things that you know produce authentic joy. This is not fake, it is natural. One step leads to the next, and to the next, and to the next. Its a dharmic sequence, a natural pattern. It doesn’t make your giving artificial, rather it makes it wise. Not only are you giving to boost your own light, but you’re giving to boost the light of others. Selfish? Please. Well invested.

As far as “the turn”, or when does giving become “self righteous” is in the results, not in the intentions. For instance, say you write an email telling someone you enjoy them. They email you back, saying you’re a poofter and a nuisance. The self grasping arises when you grab on to the result such as “how could you say such things to me, I just gave you a cookie, some nice words, respect me and return my feelings, damn you!” In this way, the giving was tainted with expectation of gentleness and kindness being returned. Instead, keep the intention of being giving, and when the result comes back, give more space so the result is only what it is. Said differently, “I don’t know why you called me those things, but I wished for your happiness, and continue to wish for your happiness”. In this way, we keep our giving rooted in our intentions, which prevents our gift from being barbed or poisoned by our expectations of the gift being well received and/or returned.

As a side note… huzzah brother! Your gentle hands are taking control and sculpting a path of joy. What a blessing you are to our world. Each light makes a difference, and yours is growing. Thank you!

With warmth,
Matt

January 24, 2014 at 6:10 am #49665

ElisabethIII
Participant

And I Matt, would like to thank you for your answer. What a blessing it truly is. I have faced this inner demon of doubting that I am also entitled to feel good about giving but I realised I could not separate them. If that was the case, they too were one. The two came together. Reading your words has provided me with the words that came with my feelings. Thank you. I hope that Dan receives your gift with at least as much recognition and Joy as I have.

Blessings
Elisabeth

January 25, 2014 at 12:43 am #49704

memm
Participant

When you stop considering other people in your actions and decide your point of view is the only one that matters.

January 25, 2014 at 10:49 pm #49735

sandy
Participant

Dan,

I’ve been in your shoes and have actually done things like sending emails (genuinely written) to others to spread love, but primarily to cultivate a sense of connection and to feel socially supported. I too had thoughts that doing so were to feed my ego and wondered if the initial high I felt in looking for and cultivating those connections was just feeding into desire and clinging to a need for appreciation and acceptance.

I have learned two things from this:

1. The ego is the part of you that says that you’re selfish, self-centered, a bad person. You, as a whole person living from your heart and soul will seek out love and enjoying and appreciating life. It’s easy to judge that part of your, especially if you’re used to being hard on yourself, as I am.

2. From reading the books ‘Buddha’s Brain’ and ‘Hardwiring Happiness’, I’ve learned that cultivating a feeling of belonging and social connectedness (part of our evolutionary biology) is necessary and that we can rewire our brains to feel this connectedness by doing things that make us feel connected (duh). For years I felt left out, like I wasn’t enough, that I didn’t fit in, that I didn’t have enough friends. Then I tried to compensate for these feelings by telling myself that I didn’t need friends, that I was different and stronger than others, etc. But finally I overcame that egotistical thinking and realized that I did need and want others and the only way to feel a sense of belonging was to do things that would make me feel loved and accepted – getting out of my comfort zone and contacting friends and loved ones.

How nice to be the recipient of your emails. Sharing love and appreciation can never be wrong. I think it’s a wonderful thing that you’re doing and you know that it’s coming from your heart. The world needs more of that!

Best of luck to you on your journey. Glad to know there’s someone else experiencing what I’ve experienced.

🙂

January 25, 2014 at 11:03 pm #49736

sandy
Participant

Thank you, Matt. You’ve addressed questions I’ve had about my actions (same as Dan’s), but also addressed my feelings that come up when I feel my actions have not been properly reciprocated (a huge issue in my life!). Thanks so much!
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