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Anonymous.
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August 10, 2022 at 2:57 pm #405246
AnonymousGuestDear anonymous:
“If I KNOW that I will never put myself in this position again“- did you make a plan in regard to HOW to make sure that it does not happen again, particularly in circumstances where alcohol is involved?
In general, if (1) you are honest with yourself about what happened with the guy and about your relationship with your partner, and (2) you are no longer in any contact with the other guy, and (3) you have a plan in regard to how to deal with potential future circumstances involving alcohol and guys=>then there is no benefit in telling your partner about the incident.
“How do I let go of these feelings and move on from this terrible mistake?“- “terrible” is a strong word: what made the incident terrible?
anita
August 10, 2022 at 3:03 pm #405247
anonymousParticipanthi anita,
thank you for replying. this has been weighing very heavy on my heart. i do have a plan and have blocked this person from everything. i will never see them again as we only saw each other by coincidence. i don’t ever want to see them again.
the thought of hurting my partner in this way has brought me great shame and regret. i can’t believe i ever put myself in a position to hurt them. in future circumstances, i’ve told myself i won’t ever drink to the point of excess or losing control over my decisions. it just isn’t worth it.
the incident was terrible to me because i can’t believe i put myself in that position. i feel like irreparably broke something in my relationship even though nothing physical happened. we just flirted inappropriately.
my question is how do i move forward with my partner if i don’t tell them? i feel ashamed and not worthy to have them for hurting them in this way. how do i make myself feel worthy again and let go of these feelings?
August 10, 2022 at 3:05 pm #405248anonymousParticipantdo you think it’s possible to move forward in our relationship? or do you think i will carry this guilt with me forever?
why do you think not telling them is the best choice?
August 10, 2022 at 3:11 pm #405250AnonymousGuestDear anonymous:
You are welcome. “I feel ashamed and not worthy to have them for hurting them in this way. How do I make myself feel worthy again and let go of these feelings?” – the shame and feeling unworthy of your partner, or of another person (a family member/ other), you felt it before the incident, at times, didn’t you?
anita
August 10, 2022 at 3:17 pm #405253anonymousParticipantyes i have felt this feeling before, when i let someone down like a parent or friend. but it’s never been like this before. i just feel so shameful that i can’t sleep or eat properly.
i want desperately to let go of this feeling. i don’t think even if i told them, it would go away. i feel i would feel even worse because perhaps they’ll think it was worse than it really was and be even more hurt.
i just hate myself for putting myself in this situation where i would hurt my partner and for drinking so much. like i said, i hate thinking that i irreparably hurt our relationship which is my dream relationship.
August 10, 2022 at 3:26 pm #405254AnonymousGuestDear anonymous:
It is clear to me that you are suffering and I am sorry that you are. It seems like the incident awakened an early-life experience of feeling that you wronged a parent. It felt badly then, but you forgot how badly it felt. Then the bad feeling awakened following the recent incident. I recommend that you say nothing to your partner, especially not before you process the early-life experience which got triggered. I will be away from the computer for about an hour. If you’d like to share about your earlier life experience in regard allegedly doing wrong to a parent and suffering shame and guilt as a result, please do and I will reply further when I am back.
anita
August 10, 2022 at 3:32 pm #405255anonymousParticipanti love my parents and have a great relationship with him but they are very expectant of me and have very high standards. i feel i’ve only truly disappointed them a handful of times in my life. however when i did, it was usually a big issue for me and i would feel shame and it would take some time for it to go away. however, they were always kind to me after some time passed and encouraged me not to dwell on the incident and that they had forgiven me.
now as an adult, my mom is very close to me. i tell her almost everything but refrain from telling her when i do something i feel is truly wrong because she can be very judgmental. she’s very moral too and i’ve always admired this about her.
if i say nothing to my partner, how do you suggest that i move past this incident and look to the future? how should i go about in making it up to them?
August 10, 2022 at 3:37 pm #405256anonymousParticipanti guess i’m also asking if our relationship will ever feel like it did before? whenever i try to act normal, i feel a stabbing pain of guilt inside me.
i feel like with time, it’ll be better because we will make new experiences and move on with our lives. but i’m scared to feel close to my partner since i feel like i hurt them. i feel like i did something unforgivable.
i love them so much and don’t want to lose them. i feel like a terrible person for committing this mistake.
August 10, 2022 at 5:09 pm #405345AnonymousInactiveHi Anonymous
If we have discussed this previously, I would suggest that your actions do not match your values. Perhaps this is causing you pain and making you feel like a “terrible person”.
I don’t think you’re terrible. But it isn’t about what we believe, it is about what you believe.
When you are feeling calmer, try considering…
A) What is a terrible person? What traits do they have? What do they do?
B) Do you match that criteria?
C) List the all of ways that you are a good person.
Another helpful exercise is what would you say to a friend in your circumstance?
August 10, 2022 at 5:21 pm #405349AnonymousInactiveEven if you are not hungry, please try and eat and drink. It helps to regulate emotions. It may be worth trying some supplements that aid sleep such as valerian root or melatonin. Or speak to a doctor about sleeping pills. Sleep is also very important for emotional regulation.
This situation is still very fresh in your mind, it will take some time to process. It has hurt you deeply.
August 10, 2022 at 5:31 pm #405352AnonymousGuestDear anonymous:
I think that you are only interested in talking about the almost cheating incident in regard to your partner (I’ll refer to the almost cheating incident as ache, which is fitting), but looking at your childhood experience is very relevant to you recovering from the ache.
“My parents… have very high standards… I’ve only truly disappointed them a handful of times in my life. However, when I did, it was usually a big issue for me“- because your parents had VERY HIGH standards for you, when you failed them- you felt VERY LOW, and it was a BIG issue for you. Fast forward, you failed your partner and because of the very high standards placed on you, you feel very low and it is a big issue for you.
“(Mother) can be very judgmental“- when you do something that is wrong, when you make a mistake, you are very judgmental of yourself.
You wrote regarding the ache: “I feel like I did something unforgivable… I feel like a terrible person for committing this mistake“.
You wrote about your parents: “they were always kind to me after some time passed and encouraged me not to dwell on the incident and that they had forgiven me“- this means that indeed, as a child, you dwelled on having disappointed your parents , felt very guilty for some time, and eventually, they forgave you. Fast forward, you now dwell on the current mistake, the ache, and you are in great need to be forgiven.
Question: how did you get your parents to forgive you following the few incidents when you disappointed them: did you tell them that you are a terrible child and that you are so sorry for the terrible thing you did… until eventually they pitied you and forgave you, anything like that?
anita
August 10, 2022 at 5:36 pm #405353AnonymousGuestEffort at editing-
Dear anonymous:
I think that you are only interested in talking about the almost cheating incident in regard to your partner (I’ll refer to the almost cheating incident as ache, which is fitting), but looking at your childhood experience is very relevant to you recovering from the ache.
“My parents… have very high standards… I’ve only truly disappointed them a handful of times in my life. However, when I did, it was usually a big issue for me“- because your parents had VERY HIGH standards for you, when you failed them- you felt VERY LOW, and it was a BIG issue for you. Fast forward, you failed your partner and because of the very high standards placed on you, you feel very low and it is a big issue for you.
“(Mother) can be very judgmental“- when you do something that is wrong, when you make a mistake, you are very judgmental of yourself.
You wrote regarding the ache: “I feel like I did something unforgivable… I feel like a terrible person for committing this mistake“.
You wrote about your parents: “they were always kind to me after some time passed and encouraged me not to dwell on the incident and that they had forgiven me”- this means that indeed, as a child, you dwelled on having disappointed your parents , felt very guilty for some time, and eventually, they forgave you. Fast forward, you now dwell on the current mistake, the ache, and you are in great need to be forgiven.
Question: how did you get your parents to forgive you following the few incidents when you disappointed them: did you tell them that you are a terrible child and that you are so sorry for the terrible thing you did… until eventually they pitied you and forgave you, anything like that?
anita
August 10, 2022 at 5:43 pm #405354anonymousParticipanthelcat,
thabk you so much for your response. i agree that i need to take steps to better my mental state and i’m currently working on returning to my old self.
like you stated, i agree that it will take some time because this hurt me very deeply. i’m having trouble separating my self-worth from what i did. i feel very responsible and, in turn, ashamed.
August 10, 2022 at 5:48 pm #405355anonymousParticipantanita,
eventually they just needed time to heal past my disappointment. they weren’t cruel to me in any way, i think they were just upset. it wouldn’t take long, sometimes hours and at most a day or two, and they would always remind me that they loved me at the end of every argument or circumstance.
one thing i will say though is that it doesn’t sit well with me when other people are upset with me. i don’t like to feel confrontation unless i know i’m absolutely right or at least feel that way.
regarding the ache, it’s true i do feel very low because i feel like i disappointed my partner and violated my own moral code. i thought i never would’ve done something like this and yet i did. this makes me feel very ashamed.
August 10, 2022 at 6:12 pm #405356AnonymousGuestDear anonymous:
I am not saying that your parents were cruel. From the little you shared, they sound like much better parents than I had. What I am saying is that it is very, very difficult to raise children without making some significant mistakes as parents. All it takes is a mother to be very judgmental, not of her own daughter, but of other people (neighbors, family members, even TV actors), to cause the daughter to fear making mistakes and to over-react when making mistakes.
“she’s very moral too and I’ve always admired this about her… I disappointed my partner and violated my own moral code“- you violated your moral code but you didn’t change into an immoral person. There is a difference between making a mistake and being a mistake (or becoming a mistake). Making a mistake does not make you a mistake: every moral person (even your mother) makes mistakes, and sometimes, significant mistakes. Please accept your humanity: accept the fact that you made a mistake and that you will make more mistakes in the future (not this particular one, I suppose).
Even the bible who many look up to as the source of morality, says that everyone, every single person, makes mistakes: “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23).
anita
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