Dear Simon:

You ask yourself: “are you a good father good husband good son. Why don’t you know your parent better“? – before you were a husband, before you were a father- you were a son.

“I am so so depressed it’s been like this for 30+ years” – you are 49 now, so you started being depressed way before you were a husband and a father. You were depressed as a teenager, maybe as early as a preteen, or earlier, and that was in the context of being a son.

“Why don’t you know your parent better“? – can you tell me what you mean by not knowing your parent better? I have a feeling that there’s a lot in this question/ answer that can give you the peace that you need.

anita

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by .

Dear Simon:

You are welcome. “I feel my parents have always kept their lives private from me” – but you knew that something was wrong with their marriage, and that something was wrong within the family. But you didn’t know exactly what it was…?

“We only communicated on a superficial level I feel others perhaps share a deeper connection with their parents” – not for lack of trying on your part, I am sure. You tried to communicate with them on a deep level, you tried to make them feel as connected to you as you felt connected to them, but they rejected your efforts, didn’t they?

“With my first serious girlfriend. I developed trust issues” – that was when your trust issues in the romantic context developed, but in the parental context, your trust issues were already established, weren’t they.

“Consequently, lost my girlfriend due to my infidelity…  I look back and feel that whoever I was died with my first girlfriend leaving me my paranoid personality took over and I’ve lived a lie ever since” – paranoid of what might have been really happening in your first girlfriend’s life when not in your presence… and earlier, knowing something is wrong at home, within your family… but not knowing what it is?

anita

Dear Simon:

Thank you. I am sorry that you are miserable and have been miserable for so long. It so happens that I- like millions of others- have known misery myself- too much unnecessary misery. In the context of your thread, we can communicate for a long time, and maybe, just maybe I can be of a little help to you. If you are so inclined, tell me: what was wrong at home, growing up… and/ or share with me anything else that you think is relevant.

anita

Dear Simon:

I need to take a break from the computer, will be able to read your recent post and reply in a few hours. Feel free to add anything you feel like adding at any time. I will eventually read all and reply.

anita

Located in the USA. Be back later.

anita

Hi Simon

Anita is giving you some really great feedback. I’d like to consider the practical aspects of your lifestyle.

My immediate concern is overwork. Various circumstances can mean that a level of work we were previously capable of is no longer feasible.

Could you take a vacation and see how you feel after taking a break?

What would you like your lifestyle to look like? Is it time to involve children in the family business? Would you like to reduce your hours? Would you like to retire at some point?

It sounds like you’re a good person who puts a lot of pressure on yourself. If taking things a bit easier helps you get through your day. I think you’ve earned it!

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Helcat.

Dear Simon:

You shared that when you were younger than 10, at home, there were “always… extreme shouting and swearing… it looked and sounded pretty violent“. You and your sister spent only 1-2 night a week at home, sleeping in your mother’s bed while your father slept in your room, and another night being babysat by your great uncle while your parents were out. The other 5 nights, you and your sister slept in the home of your next-door grandparents, or in your aunt’s home. Your mother cheated on your father, and when you were 10, your father moved out of the home and the two got divorced.

As a young teenager, you were “always being told how to think and feel“. and at 18, you had your first serious girlfriend. You distrusted her and cheated on her. At that time, you wrote, “my paranoid personality took over and I’ve lived a lie ever since“.

Currently, you are 49, married with five children, a business owner and a homeowner. On the outside, you look like “mr. successful father husband good guy” but on the inside, you feel “so so depressed… so so lonely”, keeping “the pretense going“. You question yourself, “are you happy doing this for the rest of your days… are you a good father good husband good son“?

Whenever you feel calm enough and so inclined, please share more.

anita