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Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)
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  • #120459
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear singhcool:

    On this thread and in your update you shared that you moved to the US when you were 10 and did not see your father ever since, ten years ago. You lived with your uncle in the US, but he treated you like an outcast and a slave. You had to work for him so to pay for your living expenses. Your mother lived with you and your uncle, but she too worked for him and you hardly had any time with her. Other relatives made fun of you.

    What a child need is a safe home where you are not made fun of, but instead valued and protected from harm. You needed an adult to look at you with affection in their eyes, saying with that look: “I am so glad you are here. So glad you are in my life. This is your home. I will take care of you, teach you and protect you.

    Without that welcome and attention, we disconnect from our emotions because we hurt too much. We think about our lives as if it was a math problem to be solved, as if we were robots who needed the right logical programming to operate. But what we need, as human beings, is our emotions to guide us in life, in addition to logic. Logic is simply not enough and cannot be enough.

    The missing link is the link to your emotions. Once you locate that missing link to your emotions, you will feel alive- you will feel hurt but also joy, and you will feel connected to other people, being able to form healthy relationships with others.

    You are not the only person in this state of disconnection, with a missing link. I am still working on my missing link. There are many of us. Linking, connecting, healing is possible. Keep posting. It will take time, but there are ways to reconnect with your emotions and (selectively) with other people.

    anita

    #120489
    Harry
    Participant

    Thank you Anita. I forgot I could reply again. So, how are you dealing with the missing link? I am at a community college, so its hard to make friends there because there are not many clubs or activities. In general, I usually spend a lot of time in the library, so I am alone most of the time. Plus, I have a hearing problem. Although I have a hearing aid, its hard to talk to people. So, how do you suggest I should connect with my emotions and control them better? Its hard spending a lot of time dealing with emotions, when I could be doing something else. I am in my 20s and I feel people care about hanging out, but no one wants to hear your problems. They want to have a good time, and by talking about my problems, I don’t want anyone to push me away because there are only a couple of people I talk to

    #120490
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear singhcool:

    Selectively connecting with people is the way to connect with your emotions. You are doing it right now, here on this website. You are connecting with me and hearing is not required here. Maybe others will reply on your thread or threads and you can connect with them as well. If here is the only opportunity for you to connect right now, take advantage of it.

    And then look for those opportunities elsewhere, in person as well. You wrote that “no one wants to hear your problems.” – this is not true. I do. If I met you in person and you would open up to me about your problems, I would want to hear it. Thing is, I am not the only one. There are people who prefer to listen to your problems than they do partying. Yes, there are such people.

    Keep your eyes open for such people- maybe they are in the library reading books about their problems, their family members’ problems, trying to find solutions… and talking with you (outside the library silence-required areas) will stimulate them to find solutions to the problems they are dealing with. Maybe you can cooperate with another, as a team, to solve similar problems.

    Reply again, anytime. You have an opportunity here.

    anita

    #120492
    Harry
    Participant

    Hi Anita. I see what you mean. I actually never talked to anyone about my problems the way I do here. I guess I need ways to want to talk to people because i am an introvert in general. So, I have a hard time making friends. I met a girl at work, who is in her hometown. We met a couple times, then, she got busy with family, and I felt like i was waiting for her or I needed something from her. The thing is that I hate that neediness feeling. When that happens I distance myself because I learn and learned everything myself, so I like to be independent. I guess during talks with her, I started liking her, but I know I can’t be with her because I will be dependent on her for happiness. That won’t work because I need to be happy with myself, then I can make a stable relationship. Since I have felt like this since high school, I have never actually been in a relationship

    Thanks

    #120496
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear singhcool:

    I am suggesting a correction in your thinking as expressed above. You wrote: “I need to be happy with myself, then I can make a stable relationship.” Having read about your childhood and experience so far, you need to connect with others, and with your emotions while connecting with others, so to be happy with yourself.

    we are born social animals, we develop through connections with others. We are never truly independent. Of course, you don’t want to be over dependent, but some dependency is in our nature.

    I think you got scared, as a child, about needing people that hurt you. You needed love but you got hate instead (uncle), or you got nothing (father, due to distance; mother due to her overworking). You still need love. But now, as an adult, you have more options than you did as a child. Now, you can choose to (reasonably) depend on a person who is dependable and not depend on a person who is abusive, disrespectful or just not available.

    The only choice healthy for us, is not between needing and not needing people, but between needing dependable, loving people and NOT needing undependable, disrespectful people.

    anita

    #120497
    Harry
    Participant

    Thank you for the response Anita. I understand your perspective, and I think that’s what I need to do. Honestly, I would love to meet you, haha. I am sorry for asking so many questions, but how do you think I should make friendships, even if I am a quiet person? Also, sometimes there are friends who you just hangout with, and friends who become an important part of you. How can I make deep meaningful friendships that will last? Most of my high school friends who I talked to don’t really stay in contact themselves, and I feel like I always have to initiate conversation. Since true friendship is two way street, I begin to doubt why have friends? I will appreciate your vision on this
    Thank you again

    #120499
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear singhcool:

    You are welcome. And thank you for your sentiment (about meeting me) You asked how can you make a friendship being the quiet, introverted person that you are. My answer: spot a person who is also quiet and introverted. It is about SELECTING people before approaching, then approaching/ initiating a conversation and waiting for the person to respond to you; if they respond positively enough, you talk next, back and forth, a two way street interaction, both parties listening and paying attention.

    If a kind, extroverted person approaches you, by all means respond positively. Also, when and if you approach a quiet looking person, do so gently. Quiet, introverted people get scared easily when approached! Don’t confuse a person’s fearful reaction to mean dislike of you or displeasure that you started talking to them. Give them time to recover, and be gentle.

    anita

    #120566
    Harry
    Participant

    Thank you for helping me point out my direction to dealing with this. I am sorry if its repetitive, but you are a great help! I think I am afraid of making friends because I know friends, especially in my age dump each other very quickly. And, they don’t bother staying in touch, even if I am the one contacting them. This fear makes me feel that its better to try to improve myself, and my career than making friends because the energy and time required is tremendous, and out of nowhere, they might just leave you and never contact you. Also, I used to be very religious back in my childhood. However, now, between work and college, I really don’t take time to be too religious anymore. I don’t know why but I just drifted apart from that.

    Thank you

    #120567
    Harry
    Participant

    Also, I have one more question. I read self-improvement blogs, and think about self-improvement a lot. Sometimes, I just get tired of being too emotional, especially being a guy. I mean, in general, girls are more emotional, but I feel that I am even more emotional than a girl at times. Sometimes, I take so much time thinking and reading about self-improvement, I begin to think man, I need to get out of my head, haha

    #120570
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear singhcool:

    Regarding: ” its better to try to improve myself, and my career than making friends because the energy and time required is tremendous, and out of nowhere, they might just leave you and never contact you”- good thinking to consider Return-on-Investment for your efforts. If you can put just a little effort in making friends, it will make it a better Return-on-investment. Lower your investment to the level of your (lower) expectations. When you start a conversation, say to yourself: chances are this will lead to nothing, but it is good PRACTICE Then start.

    Improve your socializing skills for the purpose of practice- this is self improvement. Self improvement cannot be achieved all-in-your-head. It has to include interactions with others.

    Regarding you being emotional- boys and girls; men and women are emotional. Some bury their emotions, but emotions are there, no less in males than in females.

    Post again, anytime!

    anita

    #123180
    Raima
    Participant

    I feel the same. Never felt loved and protected and trying to make sense of life. I recently left a job and staying home. I feel lonely and depressed and have no will to get up and do any work. Working at jobs like a robot is all that keeps me sane. But my mind keeps running.

    Feel like giving up, learn yoga and more about spirituality and become a yoga teacher. But again I lack will power.

    Following this chain for further advise.

    Thanks
    Raima

    #123208
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * Dear Raima: To get harry’s reply, the Original Poster (OP), you are on the right thread. If you want my reply or other members’ please start your own thread: click FORUMS, choose a CATEGORY, click your chosen category, scroll down the page and type in the empty boxes (title box and text box). See you there!
    anita

    #123216
    Harry
    Participant

    Hi Raima. I am at that similar phase of life. But remember, life is a mystery, you never know when it might change. If you don’t like your job, I recommend doing something that you enjoy, and maybe take a class, or pick up a hobby that brings life into you.
    Questions:
    Do you live alone?
    Are you close with your family and friends?

    Take care
    Harry

    #123355
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    At the deepest level, life is a series of struggles, one of which you ultimately lose. During which there is generally a hardwired drive to reproduce to perpetuate the species.

Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)

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