Dear thirst_of_validation:

“sending in similar type of emotions”- would you like to elaborate on what you mean by similar-type-of-emotions that she is sending you?

* I will soon be away from the computer for a while, and be back in about 17 hours from now.

anita

Dear thirst_of_validation:

You wrote: “I don’t think am not drawn to her for validation/ love it is only a cordial relationship that I expect more mutual”- I am trying to understand:

– do you mean that you do not seek validation and love from her, that you are not drawn to her that way, and that your only interest is to have a cordial, professional relationship at work, and that is all?

(I will be away from the computer for a while).

anita

Dear thirst_of_validation:

Only yesterday you wrote about a recent interaction with your co  worker: ““(I) asked her if I could join her for lunch.. I was hurt.. Later on she pinged me .. I said: ‘because you don’t have time for me… I don’t think I asked much from you… I was very raged out and stood by her desk demanding an explanation”.

After I suggested to you that I see a parallel between your relationship with your female, older co worker and your relationship with your mother, that your “thirst of validation” was born in the context of your relationship with your mother and it extends to your relationship with this co worker”, you wrote: “yes I see the parallel you are seeing; few years ago I had realized that I am seeking validation from outside because of my relationship with my mother”.

If you see this parallel, do you see how intensely (“very enraged”)  you desire her attention, what you call, validation, wanting it beyond a mutual cordial relationship?

* I will be away from the computer and back in about 16 hours from now.

anita

Dear thirst_of_validation:

You want a cordial relationship with this woman. Say “hello” or “good morning” to her when you come across her first thing, at work. Talk to her only about work matters if you need to, because your job requires that you communicate with her about this or that matter. Say please if you ask for her help regarding the work matter and thank you if she helps you, then move away from her and resume your work. In the breakroom, if you see her and there is an eye contact, smile but don’t join her. If she asks you to join her and you want to, join her and keep the conversation very small-talk, nothing personal.

Let’s look at recent interactions you had with her: “you don’t have time for me.. I don’t think I asked much from you”, you told her recently after you found her eating with a colleague after you asked her to join her for lunch, expecting her to eat only with you, not with another colleague.

“I was raged out and stood by her desk demanding an explanation to which she asked me to calm down”- you were gone for three weeks on vacation and you felt that you deserved one-to-one lunch time with her at the breakroom after being gone for so long. You felt hurt and rage.

She told you: “You have been doing this drama for quite some time now… I am not avoiding you on purpose but you have these dramas every now and then so I have already distant myself”-

– these dramas, that is, your rage, that does not allow a friendship with her, and demanding a friendship with her will not get you a friendship with her. Really, you have no other choice but be cordial and only that.

Your thirst for validation, a thirst for personal attention, that is a thirst of many years, an intense thirst. It causes you to pay attention to every imaginable offense and take it as such. You interpret events as people being rude to you and you react as if they were rude to you. For example, she sat with another colleague for lunch when you expected of her to be there only with you. But what was she to do if she is sitting there for lunch and the other employee asks her if she can join her, she said yes, maybe thinking that you will join the two of them, not intending to hurt you?

And she is trying to avoid you, this is also true, she said it herself: “I have already distant myself”, because you are too intense, too thirsty… and it is not comfortable for her.

Attend to this thirst, so that you can experience more calm in the workplace and elsewhere in  life, will you?

anita

Dear thirst_of_validation:

I didn’t know that you and her decided to have lunch in the breakroom just you and her. That makes a difference, of course. And if I understand correctly, she contacted you repeatedly, “skype, email and small talk almost on a daily basis” – meaning she pursued you while complaining then (or later) that she has a problem with you being dramatic, saying she is distancing herself from you?

Did I understand correctly, that she displays contradictory behavior, being crazy-making this way, getting closer to you then pulling away, close again then far away?

anita

Dear thirst_of_validation:

I think I understand better at this point, I hope I do. I suppose you do have that thirst of validation (I keep seeing the name you use I blue, so I use it in my posts). And she has her… own whatever it is that motivates her. I don’t know what it is, but it is not good for you. Her motivation is not honest, she is not clear or straightforward. Of course it is best to not have a personal relationship with her and it is best to keep the relationship superficial and cordial, strictly within the workplace context.

Better not ask her to have lunch with you again, just the two of you. Better give up the hope for anything beyond getting along smoothly in the workplace. The closeness she had at times with you, you cannot depend on it and it hurts to lose it again and again.

Better form friendships with people who are clear and not confusing, people who are predictable enough, honest in their dealings with others.

Please let me know if you want any more of my input on the matter, and if so, specifically what it may be.

anita

Dear thirst_of_validation:

You are welcome.

“getting caught between the getting close and putting away cycle” is unhealthy for anyone. You want reliable people in your life, people who you can count on, whose behavior you can predict to a reasonable extent. Do post again on this thread or a new one anytime you want and I will be glad to reply to you.

anita