Only losers cheat. People with integrity and class end the relationship first. You have to draw the line somewhere and realize that this behavior is not acceptable or desirable in a mate.

Don’t be so hard on yourself even the rich and famous get their hearts kicked around. Take for instance Jennifer Anniston or Justin Timberlake.

If this is a trend in your life (always getting dumped) it is possible you are repeating your mistakes. Or it could be the same type of man you are attracted to that is the problem. Men love feminine women that are sweet and supportive. If you are harsh and critical or nagging that is a man’s worst nightmare. Maybe reflect on this. Looks are what lure men in but your attitude makes them stay long-term.

As far as your feelings of inadequacy, this is something all humans share in common. Welcome to the club. In my experience the only way to break through this is a mix of healthy behaviors and habits. Are you neglecting your body? Diet? Need for friendships? Need for meaningful work?… Are you meditating daily? Praying? Having a spiritual life? Setting goals?…. I suggest developing a mindfulness practice… Otherwise you’ll be doomed to having your recurring thoughts and fears dominate your life and drain you of energy. Controlling your self defeating thoughts will restore the energy needed to make positive changes. Lastly I suggest you to be thankful for ending a toxic relationship. It is better to be alone than to be someone’s slave or second option.

Namaste

He doesn’t deserve you and you deserve more than him. At this point of time you need a break to your yourself. Go somehwere, travel, or divert yourself on to something to overcome your fear or you can join some women’s group, sometimes it is better to talk with someone you can trust, share and confide. Life is too short, learn to love yourself more and build your self esteem, not unless you find this missing piece in your life you can’t never find happiness in any relationship. Life has many surprises but we create our own path. Be Happy.

• This reply was modified 10 years ago by SolM.

I so much know where you are coming from, Rose Tattoo. I was in a very, very similar situation – I thought I never will be able to have a normal, well-functioning relationship. Also, I used to be extremely jealous. Whenever my boyfriend would go out without me I made up the craziest images in my mind where he starts to talk, then dance, then kiss with another girl. Every single time those images would drive me mad. I thought that I wasn’t good enough or lovable enough for someone to be faithful or to love me. I just couldn’t understand that this was possible. So I really get you. Last year I decided that something has to change. I quickly realized that the source of my problem was that I didn’t love myself the way I was which was the reason for why I thought I wasn’t lovable.

Feeling lovable has to start with you. No one in this world can give you the love you need, except you. You need to learn to see your self-worth and to fully accept yourself with all your flaws and imperfections. Once you do this, you won’t be dependent on other people’s love toward you anymore, you’ll feel good about yourself, you’ll believe in your potential and lovability. And like this, your jealousy will disappear. This is at least how things worked out for me.

If you want, we can have a small chat or so, if not, that’s also ok, just wanted to offer you my help.

One thing I know for sure. You are worthy. You are lovable. You only have to see and recognize this fact.

Warmly, Martina

Hi Rose Tattoo,

Like anita’s post above, I do hope that you’re doing much better in your healing process. I hope the women’s group and reduced panic attacks are helping.

It does get better. I’m finally starting to feel ok 2 years after my own breakup with an EU type (emotionally unavailable!).

I really think most of the time the problems we have in our relationships reflect problems we have with ourselves- although it does sound like this guy was doing his best to be selfish and deceitful.

If you’re noticing this pattern of jealousy and unavailable men, you really need to ask what you were getting from those relationships. The most important relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself. The way you treat yourself will determine how you treat others and deal with problems in every single relationship. For example if you’re impatient with yourself, chances are you’re impatient with others. If you felt jealous and controlling in your relationships, maybe you’re actually trying to get acceptance from yourself and feel you’re not in control in another part of your life? Sit down with yourself and ask these hard questions, and ask them often. You need to truly love and accept yourself first before you’ll feel comfortable accepting love from someone else and not questioning his intentions or whether or not he’s cheating. When you question your own self worth- you question other people’s motives and actions.

I highly recommend a break from dating for a little while. Spend some ‘me-time’ doing things you love, hang out with friends and family who you didn’t see much while you were dating, and be darned kind and amazing to yourself. See if you can be kinder to family and friends, and practice mindfulness in situations that normally stress you out.

Also, I would say guard and protect your heart. We (men and women) give too much of ourselves too soon, without knowing how we really feel. I think most of the time we’re not actually in love with the person, but with that love chemical (oxytocin?), and the feeling of being wanted. We mistake that feeling for real love, even if we’re not really compatible with the person or they might be bad for us. By the time we catch on that it’s not love or there are serious problems, we’re already in too deep. From now on, make him prove that he is worth your kindness, care, concern, time, and love. Until he proves that he is not going to take advantage of you, mistreat you, or use you, don’t give your heart away. I’m not saying to be detached and not invest in the relationship, just use this time to judge his character, be your authentic self, and continue to do all the things you love and value. Slow down, put boundaries in place, and use this time to get to know him and ask questions, and pay attention to every single red flag. During the hearts-off time, if he does anything that shows he will mistreat you, it’ll be easier to walk away. It’s not being mean, it’s protecting your heart. Please protect your heart!

Love starts with you. You are loveable, and you’re so worth love and respect (especially your own)!

Rose Tattoo, I hope you don’t mind me adding a note to Anita’s question at the end of this post.

I re-read my post and realized that I made it sound like we never truly fall in love. I didn’t mean to say that. We do fall truly in love, and it’s wonderful when it happens! I was thinking more that sometimes liking someone and the hormones in the beginning stages of a relationship can be confused with love.

[Anita, I’m not sure what the protocol is for replying to other replies. Thanks for your offer to share. My urgency was concern for Rose Tattoo and other people’s heartache. I was putting emphasis on how she and they should not let themselves be taken for granted. I wish that relationship health and well being was something that was taught in schools or that people just grew up talking about openly. Maybe then people wouldn’t feel so alone in their experiences and struggle, and would feel less fragile when relationships end.]