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What to do when someone close to you is stealing your career goals?

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Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)
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  • July 30, 2016 at 2:44 pm #110996
    Kayla Wilkinson
    Participant

    I have always had a fascination with firefighters. Since I was a child I have dreamed about being a life saver a hero in a way. When the opportunity finally came that the public can sign up I did immediately. I told my family and got alot of responses that i did not expect. Mostly from my sister such as why would you want to risk your life in such a way, you have a young child that you will leave alone because of your selfishness.

    My sister and I have never been close. We are total opposites she love to party, drink, hangout and I love being with my family, nature and relaxing in the house with my fiancee and daughter. A few days after I told my family about my new career adventure my sister decides that she want to be a firefighter. Which totally confused me because of all the bad things she had to say prior.
    Now I’m in the dilemma choosing between my lifelong dream and being a present mother. This is a factor because I don’t have alot of support other than my fiance caring for our daughter. He works alot and I can’t rely on his work schedule to pick her up from daycare and care for her while I am working 12 hour shifts. I have decided to put my dream on hold until she is older. Now I am bothered that my sister all of a sudden want to follow my dream and making it seem as if she has always had this dream. How to I deal with my sister becoming what I aspire to be? How do I get over the jealousy of her living the life that I long for? Last but not least, how do I become okay with her not supporting me and support her in following my dreams?

    Thanks

    July 30, 2016 at 5:18 pm #111005
    Miniature Bodhisattva
    Participant

    Hi Spiritwalker,

    First off, let me put to rest the whole “first responders can’t be good parents” myth. My mother was a nurse, and while statistically she wasn’t in as much peril day in and day out as say a police officer or a firefighter, there were times when some nutjob would come into the hospital and get violent. Plus when she rose to the level of head nurse she was often on call and working late nights. Did I ever feel abandoned or unloved? No! When she was with me she was completely engaged and made sure to reassure me that she thought of me all the time when she was at work. If she couldn’t make a performance of a play I was in, she’d call during her break to wish me luck, and then watch the videotape of it with me later. Plus, just because you choose a “safe” career it doesn’t guarantee that you’ll be 100% there for your child. An accountant can drop dead of a heart attack for example. A teacher may get so burned out by the kids they have to deal with during the day that they have no energy left in the tank for their own daughter/son. So I’m of the mind that you do what is best for you – it will not only feed your soul but also set a great example for your little one.

    Now, with regard to your sister. I bet if we were to inject her with truth serum she’d say the real reason she was so against you becoming a firefighter wasn’t out of concern for your well being, but because she was jealous or felt threatened on some level. She probably yearned to do something that served the community and was heroic herself, but at the time was too scared to just not ready to take such a leap. It’s a common coping mechanism to knock someone else down to our level when we feel bad. That being said, this is just my guess…you will never know for sure the reasons behind her actions (heck, she might not be able to articulate them herself!), but whatever her feeling were she should’ve been more supportive or at the very least kept her feelings to herself.

    So if you are still firm in your decision to not be a firefighter as well, the only way to cope with your jealousy (and this may seem counter-intuitive), is to actually be supportive of your sister! Let me explain…my sister for years said she never wanted to be a mother, and I always wanted to be. (I’m sure you see where this is going…) Guess who’s married and has a beautiful baby boy? Yup, my sister. Guess who’s single and childless? Yup – me. Like you I was envious, angry at the universe/fate for its cruel sense of humor, but when I saw my nephew and how happy my sister was that all evaporated. I took the energy I would’ve used to stay in a place of self pity and jealousy, and channeled it into being an awesome aunt. Firefighters usually have fundraisers throughout the year, go volunteer at one of those functions, or offer to help out at your sister’s station. If it’s too tough to be around your sister, work with a separate firefighter charity (Dennis Leary’s organization comes to mind).

    You may never be OK with how your sister didn’t support you…and that’s OK. Just try to repeat the mantra of, “that’s her deal” and move on. Focus on you.

    Again, I hope you reconsider your decision about not following your dream. Firefighting is a physically demanding job, so it’s easier to get into it earlier rather than later. However, I respect your plan, and know there’s other avenues (like what I mentioned above) to be involved.

    Much luck and many blessings to you!

    July 31, 2016 at 4:25 am #111049
    Kayla Wilkinson
    Participant

    Hello and thank you for your kind words,

    I will inject this truth serum into her and tell her what she is doing is deeply bothering me. It is bothering me because she has always wantes to be a piolet but doesn’t want to put in the work to achieve such an awesome career. The fact the she is saying that she always wanted to be a firefighter is annoying my soul. I have become content with putting it on hold. My city allow the public to sign up every 3 year by that time my daughter will be 6 and I will be 28 I will be able to have her enrolled in school and after school care until my fiance can pick her up. My sister is driving me crazy because she wants me to get her the application, help her study, show her where fire academy is ect. I just feel if she really wanted this she would be able to fiND public information the same way I did. Also, when I asked her why she wanted that career she said and I quote ” to look at the sexy firefighters”. She doesn’t give me any advice or support when I explain my dilemma to her. She just changes the subject back to herself. I have learned a valuable lesson which is to achieve my goals in silence. I have never received support or inspiration from her so there is no point in letting her know what I am achieving.

    July 31, 2016 at 7:37 am #111059
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear spiritwalker:

    There are serious problems in the relationship between your sister and you that are greater than her firefighting sentiment of the moment. I wrote “sentiment” because she may not follow through.

    If I was you, I wouldn’t provide her with any help toward becoming a firefighter- it wouldn’t be responsible to the public, to encourage her in this aim. Nothing about what you wrote about her makes me feel particularly safe in case of fire.

    And then, she is either not aware of your feelings or is aware and is torturing you. Why don’t you tell her how you feel and watch for her response. Will she ignore your feelings, put you down, mock you…? How has she otherwise responded to your expressed feelings in other areas? This is most important- has she disrespected you repeatedly and unapologetically in the past?

    anita

    July 31, 2016 at 8:23 am #111065
    Kayla Wilkinson
    Participant

    She is the type of person that does not acknowledge any of her behaviors. She acts as if what people say about her or to her is completely untrue. So I know if I bring this up her she will act like I am lying. When I asked her why she all of a sudden wanted to be a firefighter she said it has always been her dream to either be a firefighter, a cop or a piolet. I have never heard her say anything about these professions. I just know that the conversion will be pointless because she can never see her wrong and how it is affecting other.

    July 31, 2016 at 8:40 am #111069
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear spiritwalker:

    The title of your thread is: “What to do when someone close to you is stealing your career goals?” Your sister is “close to you” in what regard? What is the nature of the closeness?

    anita

    July 31, 2016 at 11:28 am #111087
    Miniature Bodhisattva
    Participant

    Spiritwalker,

    Wow, I didn’t realize your relationship was that bad with your sister. In that case Anita’s right, supporting her isn’t the way to go (but I still stand by my suggestion of you getting involved with firefighters – whether it’s through volunteering or charities until you can become one yourself – that way you are still inching toward your ultimate goal). If your sister keeps hounding you for your help and you don’t want to do it, say so. Bear in mind she’ll probably see your refusal as petty (“you’re just jealous because I’m doing this and you aren’t!”), but that’s her deal. You have to devote your energy on yourself and your daughter right now…and as you said, she didn’t extend you the same support.

    If you think about it your sister hasn’t stolen anything away from you – you will still become a firefighter. She has copied your life plan probably because she is too immature to figure out a career for herself. If we want to think the worst of her, maybe it’s her way of getting her digs in at you (siblings are experts at getting under our skin), but if we want to put a positive spin on things, maybe she’s doing this because on some deep level she actually admires/idolizes you. I don’t know – the real important thing is (and repeat after me) *her actions and motivations don’t matter*. When I was little, I saw some kids in my class cheating on a test. I was so outraged (I was a big nerd and studied really hard for the exam), I complained about it to my parents when I got home. After they patiently listened to my rant, they wisely said, “does their behavior impact your score?” No, I repled. “Do you want to tell the teacher,” they asked. “No, I can’t prove it,” I replied. “Well then, you need to let it go. Those people are almost always exposed for the frauds they are later. Focus on you,” they said. Sure enough, the teacher caught on and they were punished. However, I had needlessly spent a lot of unnecessary energy on these clowns.

    I know it’s easier said then done, but do what you can to let your sister and her behavior go. You can’t change her, she has to change her. Even if you bring up all these wonderful, reasoned points to her, if she isn’t in the space to hear it, your words will fall on deaf ears. Let her go.

    July 31, 2016 at 4:59 pm #111120
    Kayla Wilkinson
    Participant

    I use to words close to me because we are blood sisters raised in the same home. We even live less than 2 miles from each other. She calls me sometimes to talk about herself and I listen to be polite. So in that sense we are close.

    July 31, 2016 at 5:07 pm #111121
    Kayla Wilkinson
    Participant

    The more I talk to you guys and my close friends the more I realize that I will have to let this go for my own sanity. I will not help her or support her and if she really wants it she will find a way to do it. I have to say something to her cause I can’t continue to listen to her while we are at our moms house talk about this. I hope that life teach her a lesson and one day she learns to follow her inner voice and become a person she will truly be happy with.

    July 31, 2016 at 5:09 pm #111122
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear spiritwalker:

    In my book this is not close: genetic affiliation and geographic proximity. If your sister has little to no empathy for you, or no more empathy for you than to a stranger, then she is not close, it is my belief. If your sister disregards your feelings and mistreats you, then she is not close.

    You are upset that she expressed an intent to become a firefighter when it has been your expressed dream, not hers. Maybe she expressed this to spite you, maybe it is the next “shiny object” for her, as in: firefighting sounds cool!

    If it is to spite you, ignore her best you can- don’t associate with her and she will not have the payoff of seeing you upset. If it is the next shiny object for her… she will abandon the idea soon enough for the next shiny object.

    I would suggest that you determine what kind of a relationship, if any, you will have with your sister based on who your sister is, who you are, and what promotes your well being. You don’t need to be polite to her if it means you suffering.

    You need not suffer unecessarily, so take care of yourself. Let go of people who harm you, be it blood relatives or not.

    anita

    July 31, 2016 at 5:11 pm #111123
    Kayla Wilkinson
    Participant

    I am going to look into volunteering at a local fire station. I think that is a great idea.

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