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What to do about experiencing so much loss

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  • February 28, 2017 at 8:05 am #131673
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear learningmimi:

    You asked: “what (you) should do”-

    First, “redefine family relationships” (you wrote)- I think this is the first area to look at:

    You wrote that 2016 was to be your year, following your own plans, but the major financial item that blocked your freedom to follow your plan was giving money to family who didn’t have savings, following a death.

    You wrote: “I have no dependents but come from a immediate which I feel obligated to at times”- this obligation that you feel is the same as having dependents. Legally not, but practically, it is the same.

    This sense of obligation blocks your freedom: you cannot be free to plan and follow your plans if you feel obligated to attend to the financial needs of others. You can’t anticipate their financial needs: they may be okay today, but not tomorrow. Living this way, you are free only until they need your money. Your plans, your goals and dreams are second place to their unanticipated needs.

    You are paying a high price for this felt obligation: your freedom. And for what? You wrote: “I don’t have unconditional support/no support at all.

    Let me know your thoughts at this point and we can discuss the man later.

    anita

    February 28, 2017 at 10:51 am #131729
    Mimi
    Participant

    Hi Anita, thanks so much sometimes-most of the time- I need someone to see what I am unable to wrap my head around.

    Yes I agree that the ‘sense of obligation blocks my freedom due to their unanticipated needs’ you made me realize how I ignore my very own anticipated needs-a fear of spending and not feeling like I will have enough. I have a repeated pattern: I want to relocate to another state, I want to have a successful entrepreneurial career(a passion of mine) but I get to this place every spring and summer where I feel like I can’t take care of myself and make those things happen but yet I am trying to fix things for other people.

    The biggest reason I want to redefine the relationships in some way- is the stress that come from me being the decision maker and now i’m dealing with mom that doesn’t make decision on facts (Dad has passed away). I have been walking away so that she can solve more on her own. the more I set boundaries, the more distance I receive and lack of support. So this is where I need to know what to do.

    At his point the above statements is what I have been able to clarify and new issues that come up from the helpful questions you have asked.

    What do I do in these situations to relate?

    February 28, 2017 at 11:32 am #131739
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear learningmimi:

    I didn’t understand the last question: what do you do to relate: what do you mean by “to relate”?

    You wrote: “The more I set boundaries, the more distance I receive and lack of support (from your mother, primarily?)-

    When a family member/ any person distances themselves and withdraw support from you because you are trying to take care of yourself (setting boundaries), that means they don’t love you.

    I know, I know… we as (adult) children cannot stomach that, can we? “My own mother doesn’t love me? Why that is impossible…” Goes the thinking, isn’t it?

    And yet, as unpalatable and unacceptable as the truth is, it is still the truth.

    And so, a stranger, like me- never have met you in person, never will, I love you more than your mother (again, unthinkable, isn’t it?) because I want you to take care of yourself, to have peace of mind, to have a chance to fulfil your career passion and to have a good life. Therefore, I recommend: do take care of yourself, do follow your career passion. Unfortunately, reads to me like it would take distancing yourself from any family member (and any person) who punishes you for taking care of yourself (by withdrawing support).

    anita

    March 2, 2017 at 7:16 pm #133405
    Mimi
    Participant

    Hi Anita,
    What I mean when I say relate, is really to still keep a connection with my family. They more than anyone I believe has a lifetime connection to me. I do understand your points and have taken away a lot from your perspective. Someone suggested an author to me I believe his name is Dr. Henry Cloud and he supposedly has a book called Boundaries.

    I am working through a plan that will have me on a path to relocating to a place that has been calling on me energetically for a very long-time and also, I have put into practice to create my own happiness and not wait for anyone I only need myself and whoever wants to be there with me unconditionally.

    Thanks Again

    March 3, 2017 at 6:07 am #135335
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear learningmimi:

    You are welcome. Relocating reads like a good plan to me.

    You want to have as good a relationship as possible with your family while setting boundaries with them, is what you expressed, if I understand you correctly.

    In the earlier post you wrote: “the more I set boundaries, the more distance I receive and lack of support”-

    There is no way for you (even if you study setting boundaries for ten years and get a PhD in Boundary Setting), to set boundaries with your mother/ family and NOT suffer the consequence of them removing emotional support from you and creating emotional distance from you. Any book you get will help you to state your boundary, but it will not prevent your mother/ family from punishing you the ways they already have.

    To create the boundaries in your life, that you need for your mental health and quality of life, you have to EDURE their emotional distancing.

    anita

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