What to do?

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This topic has 27 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 4 months ago by yadizmarie.

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July 25, 2014 at 6:01 am #61732
Caring Guy
Participant
I have been dating a wonderful women for a little over the year. We have been pretty much hardcore together since November. We both have had some personal challenges ( Health/ Children, etc.) which became very overwhelming during May/ June. We have spoken about a future together.. We have felt such a connection , mentally, emotionally and physically.

She came to me in late June and told me she needed a mental break from our relationship, so that we could both work on ourselves and our children ( we both have kids from previous marriages) We have not spoken directly or seen each other in person since July 6th. We have been texting and least a few times each day but not at the level we did prior to our July 6 talk. I have been pretty lost with out her and seeing her. I have been attempting to work on myself and my children. She has told me that she needs for me to be a stronger person both mentally and physically ( I have loss weight over the past few months)

I asked her if we should try and meet this weekend and she said “that would be nice” We a planning on seeing each other tomorrow for the since time since July 6. I am stressing about this, previously I was use to just going to her house and seeing her without any rules, it was kind of assumed and became the norm. Not it feels awkward that I have to ask to see her and wait .
I am at a loss as to what to do with her tomorrow? Do I pick her up? Should we just meet somewhere? Do I pack a bag ? Is the going to be a quick meeting? A night out on the town? I am stressing so much !

Help
- This topic was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Caring Guy.
July 25, 2014 at 7:37 am #61735

passionateself
Participant

Hey Caring Guy,

Enjoy the moment. I know you want to know the future but nobody knows it including her. She said yes to meeting you so take a chance to take her out on a romantic date. Don’t stress about the future. If you believe you need to work on you and your kids first, use this time to do it. Take her out every week or so.

Let the romance come back.

Passionate Self

July 25, 2014 at 8:15 am #61739

Matt
Participant

Caring guy,

Time to woo! Come to her as a stranger, appreciative, genuine. Instead of asking “what should I do to win this woman”, ask yourself “what can I do to help her world sparkle?” Maybe flowers, a card, a night out dancing. Help her find her fun, her inner jokester, her playful side, her princess. Chances are she’s scared, not sure if your connection remains warm. Like taking her to a buffet, showing her that you support whatever she wants to have, don’t wish to order her meal for her. Free, loved. You can hold this as a general plan, to prepare for the dance.

While there, just be heartfelt, open. Have some different ideas of what you might like, offer them up, ask her what she wants, any? All? Something different? Just be there, relax, enjoy, play. Its just a dance in the moonlight, after all.

To bolster your inner light, consider some metta meditation. As you sit and intentionally wish for happiness for her, yourself, others, you’ll be less needy, more abundant. Less “what does our future hold, please love me”, more “where do you wish to go, dear queen?” Content that the future is unwritten, knowing what you’d like to see, but open to what others need to be happy, too. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested. Said differently, working on yourself, being prepared to dance, is about self nurturing. Caring for yourself, eating well, following your heart, cleaning your messes, exercising, helps you remain confident that you’re the prince you are, and then, the song to sing to your princess flows easily, naturally.

With warmth,
Matt

July 25, 2014 at 8:59 am #61740

yadizmarie
Participant

I agree with Matt. I also get a sense that she truly cares for you. Enough to let you have the time that you need to put yourself first above all. It seems like she needs you to take care of yourself and be happy with yourself so that you in turn can give her what she needs from you. Take it easy and breathe.

I just joined today because I have a similar problem. I just dont know how or if to let him go. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 2 and half years. I discovered at about our 8 month mark that he was suffering from depression. He completely disappeared and cut off everyone for about a month. I was able to find him and bring him home and help him as much as i could. He moved in with me thinking that being together would help him mentally. It was up and down for a while until I decided 3 months ago to relocate to a different city. About 45 mins away. He decided he did not want to join me. I moved out and we have been trying to keep this relationship going but he is going into depression mode again and I feel guilty about being tired of dealing with it. WE both have children from previous marriages. I have my daughter full time with every other weekend with her dad and he has an arrangement to see his son whenver he wants. One of our major problems has been the lack of time he puts into our adult life versus our parenting life. I want to be able to go out and have fun with him when I’m childless and he always makes plans to spend time with his son. I feel guilty about asking him to at least balance it out like I do but he doesnt seem to understand that concept.He feels that since his dad abandoned him and his mom when he was younger, he can’t do the same to his son. I feel him but still feel guilty about wanting to spend some adult time together. I am childless only 4 days out of the month. I recently began practicing meditation and concentrating on my own well being. I feel like I am coming alive again but every time i talk to him on the phone i feel like im being dragged down to a cave. I feel guilty about not wanting to be there for him. I have tried to have him join me in meditation but an excuse always comes up that he can’t. I know what i should do and dont know how to do it.

July 25, 2014 at 9:33 am #61746

Matt
Participant

Yadizmarie,

I know it can be tough when our partner doesn’t come to the plate, join us where we wish to be. We can compromise, but when there is a genuine neglect of desire, intimacy crumbles. You could give him notice, such as “hey, this connection between us is fading, you OK with that?”, but, if he’s busy with his son, or trying to makeup for a lost childhood, or whatever it is, if he’s not there with you, he’s not there with you. You deserve someone that is.

When our partner just doesn’t see the same things, have the same priorities on a dealbreaker concern, its usually time to grieve. We can accept that we tried, did our best, and it didn’t work out. So we cry, get angry, get hopeless, let go… and then slowly take down the pictures, stop dwelling on the loss. Patiently, taking time to let the tears out, flow away from us, past.

That’s when all the good nurturing we do has the space to blossom. You’re a strong, beautiful woman, following her dreams. You sparkle. So, what do you wish to grow for yourself? What do *you* want? Try not to want others to change, that gets sticky (“if only he would”) Instead, imagine the qualities you want to have in a partner, and in yourself, and try to be open to the unknown, the possibilities. That’s a good compass!

With warmth,
Matt

July 25, 2014 at 10:18 am #61750

Caring Guy
Participant

Thanks all.
So I communicated with her since my post. I asked about dinner, she said how about lunch?. I gave a time and said I would pick her up and then said she would just meet me.

I am anxious, nervous and do not know what to expect. We went from 100 mph to about 10 mph, in communication. She has been taking time to her self and her kids. I told her I missed our chats like we had and she said “she is just taking her mental break too” I do not have my kids as much and do not have much else to do in my spare time. So I am a little lost in trying to find myself again. I have been trying to find him, because she told me that she wanted that guy back again.

I am trying to work on myself on guidance to get that person back

July 25, 2014 at 10:42 am #61754

Caring Guy
Participant

One of the other issues is that my kids and ex-wife have been a challenges

we did not wait the “6 month” thing. So my kids have not been accepting as hers mine are (8-11). So we scaled back having my kids to be involved for about 4 months. So the weekends I did not have my kids we were together and her kids would be there from time to time.

My ex is another story. So when she learned about my GF she ran a background check on her. I already knew what was on there ( DUI from 5 yrs ago) and then my ex called my GF about a week into our relationship and wanted to tell my GF that she was not comfortable because we did not wait to introduce like she did with her BF to my kids.
My ex as a very strong willed women and has become a tick in our relationship. My GF has seen me beat down by my kids and ex wife

July 25, 2014 at 11:15 am #61757

Matt
Participant

Caring guy,

Yeah, the hero gets beat down pretty regularly, its something we have to expect, accept, let go. So you failed to stand up for your boundaries in that moment. However, your ex wife’s discomfort is no excuse for her crossing that boundary, sounds like a intentional/unintentional sabotaging your newly blossoming connection. Consider next time “umm back off, they are my kids. That stuff comes through me, to me. Not to the folks in my life. That is not your business. Understand?” or something to that effect. To heal the impact on your intimacy, “hey, I can’t control her, and I’m sorry she did that. I told her to back off, that it was unwelcome. How we choose to be with our children is between us and them. So, what’s next? Want to go dancing?” Etc.

To “find the inner caring guy” that she’s looking for, reconsider the advice to self nurture. The effort of it hones us, so we are ready to be open, playful when its time. What do you do besides her? That’s what needs tending now, lunch will happen when it does. Maybe do a little grooming? 🙂 Clean out your car? Vacuum? Trim your beard? Sort and file? Pick up your guitar? What’s needed? Look around!

With warmth,
Matt

July 25, 2014 at 11:46 am #61760

Caring Guy
Participant

Thanks Matt,

In the last year with her I have just done nothing but My Kids and Her!! I have really only have down 2 things for myself ( GF actually mentioned that to me) I have always put every ahead of myself ( my ex wife says the reverse )

I am trying to find myself again. My counselor ask me to write down 6 things that the “old me” has done! I am struggling with answering those!

July 25, 2014 at 12:24 pm #61762

Matt
Participant

Caring guy,

Consider shrugging off the unkown, then, and start looking fresh. Maybe go to an craft store, art supply store, museum, gallery, or mountaintop. When we feel our inspiration has waned, or is cloudy, its good to go somewhere and find our inspiration. What calls to us? What do we find beautiful, not including the kids and her? They can’t define you… be the only sources of “who is caring guy”, they’re a part, sure, but you’re far more than a father or boyfriend. What do you like? Don’t know? Go explore? How else will you know? Maybe a bookstore or library? A lake? 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

July 25, 2014 at 12:39 pm #61764

Caring Guy
Participant

thanks
I have spend endless hours, googling, blogging, trying to figure this out

July 25, 2014 at 12:50 pm #61765

Matt
Participant

Haven’t we all!

July 26, 2014 at 7:39 am #61792
Caring Guy
Participant
very nervous about me dinner meeting with my GF today! Not know if there will be any outcomes.

Everyone tells me I am over thinking it, just very hard because of not having our normal routine for the past few weeks. She mentioned that she wanted to catch up.! I know she may want to see how I have been working on me…. which has been such a challenge because of this void in my life.

She has sent me positive texts over the past few weeks … Telling me she loves me, take the time to work on YOU. It is all for the best in the long run… I few I love yous (not as many as I have had before, or what I think I need at this present time)

Will there be more after dinner? or just dinner and go our separate ways ( we are meeting, no picking up). I just want her to come home with me and lay, kiss and hold her tonight…. I have not had that with her in 3 weeks!

It is going to be a long day!!
- This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Caring Guy.
July 26, 2014 at 12:40 pm #61823

Caring Guy
Participant

ugh !! 1.5 hours until dinner… stress ball.. sweating my butt off… Over thinking this dinner is in over drive !!!!!

Give me strength to not screw things up and make her see that I am still struggling with this !!

The what “if” scenario is killing me!! I want to be with her for hours

I am trying to hear everyone tell me I am “overthinking” !! I can not get my brain to stop !

July 26, 2014 at 1:07 pm #61825

Matt
Participant

Caring guy,

It sounds more like you want too much from her, with her. She wants a meal with you, you want a lifetime together with lots of sex and babies and snuggling. Pull it back brother. Stop reaching toward gifts that aren’t yours, not here, not now.

Consider redirecting your thought energy toward kindness. “May whatever happens today bring us happiness. May she find joy and peace in her life. May I find joy and peace in my life. May we both feel freedom.”

Good luck on your first date!

With warmth,
Matt
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