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What surviving domestic abuse taught me

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  • #404668
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jupiter:

    Thank you for your valuable, comprehensive original post. There is so much in it. I want to respond to a few things:

    When I was at my most vulnerable I experienced dismissive actions on the part of police, managers, coworkers and my family… most people were cynical and judgmental, and tried to minimise the severity of my experiences. This further led to the belief that I was bad, I had caused it, I was perhaps just as ‘difficult’ as he was, and that I wasn’t worthy of love or respect” – I want to be careful in my reply, best I can: to indicate no doubt in your experience as you told it, to not dismiss or minimize it; to not judge, accuse or blame you of anything.. no aggression, and nothing else that would suggest that you weren’t- or aren’t- worthy of love and respect.

    In internet parlance, my ex was an abusive and controlling narc….But screaming at someone for being an abusive narc often doesn’t bring healing“- I agree and it has made me cringe whenever I read from women online using what has become a common and popular name-calling: narc.

    I’d bake him cookies with terrible icing and make little gifts that fell apart“- the image of a child wanting to love (and be loved in return) in such a simple, honest way makes me smile.

    He simultaneously believed himself to be unlovable
 and desperate for love” – the combination of these two ingredients make for a disastrous recipe when it comes to love.

    He would hurt me immensely by making sexist jokes and by relentless physical contact. Unfortunately, I think that the idealised woman in his mind had no capacity to be offended or hurt, because she wasn’t a real person…  Mythical goddesses don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed…. (they) don’t need personal space and they’ll never reject you…  he was angry all the time… This drove so much cruelty and abuse” –

    – it happens that people hate gods: misotheism  means “god hating”. A related term is dystheism, meaning “bad god”: it is the belief that a god is not wholly good and is possibly evil.  Your boyfriend turned husband idealised and worshipped his goddess, but he was also angry at his goddess and was therefore motivated to hurt her. Young children idealise their parents, seeing them as gods.  But when a mother-goddess repeatedly hurts her child, the child gets angry at the bad-goddess and secretly dreams of punishing bad goddess.

    I am guessing that he inaccurately projected his real-life mother/ primary caretaker into you.

    I suspect that, deep down, he could see the pain I was in but that something was blocking him from feeling empathy. I think he felt guilt.. He couldn’t let go of his fear and shame, so he chose to take all of it out on me, all the time” – his fear and shame culminated in anger. Anger is the most effective empathy-blocker I know. It also blocks guilt after dishing out the abuse quite effectively, I think.

    My ex-husband was traumatised and sometimes acted more like a wounded child than a grown-up“- my mother too acted like a wounded child when she abused me, only she had the physical stature and strength of an adult, and the official authority of an adult parent (and therefore no one intervened on my behalf)

    I couldn’t even suggest any wrongdoing to him without him immediately believing I was accusing him of something toxic, something that called him unlovable and triggered his shame. So he could accept no criticism without anger“- same is true in regard to my mother when I tried, as gently as I could when I was a teenager, to suggest … some constructive criticism to her: all hell broke loose!

    But breaking my promise to him hurt me. In a way, it probably hurt me more than the abuse did. Because I believed in unconditional, permanent love, and he made me prove to myself that I couldn’t love him unconditionally” – I love the child that my mother was when she was actually a child unconditionally. I would have done anything and everything to help the child that she was, if I was alive and capable at the time. But the child that she was is gone and the leftover of that child, aka inner child is too repressed in her, to locked and blocked to be helped by anyone.

    “Shame is almost impossible to heal from… As a survivor of domestic abuse I experienced no shortage of my own shame” – I agree. To a large extent, healing from shame is possible.

    The truth is I haven’t let go of those beliefs… Deep down I believe that no-one is ever going to love me as a person, that someone only wants me to fulfil a role, that I am replaceable, and in the end I — like him — will always be too much for someone. The fear and mistrust is with me every day, and so is the need to protect myself from threat. Just like he did.” – I don’t want to rush a reply to this ending of your amazing original post. I want to reply to this part later. If you would like to respond to this post before I return to you, please do.

    anita

    #404677
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Jupiter

    Congratulations on leaving your abusive marriage. It takes a lot of strength to do that. Statistics show that often it takes 7 attempts to leave an abusive partner before this is successfully achieved. I’m sorry for the abuse you endured in childhood and during the marriage. I hope that your life is calmer now?

    I have also experienced a lot of abuse and my take is slightly different on abusive behaviour. I think that it is very easy. I remember when I was a child. As a result of my abuse I developed similar traits, even becoming violent.

    Self control, being a good kind person is more difficult and takes effort.

    Abusive people when put in different situations such as in front of others react entirely differently in front of others compared to how they would privately (when they feel there is no repurcussion for their behaviour). This reveals that they have the capacity for self control. They are making a conscious choice to violate boundaries. Why?

    Well when I was a child hitting other children made me feel strong and powerful. I enjoyed hurting others, much in the same way I would imagine that my abuser enjoyed hurting me. Things quickly spun out of control. What started as beating up bullies, became assaulting my friends when they told a joke I didn’t like. At the age of 12 I decided enough was enough. I didn’t want to be like my abuser. I didn’t want to hurt my friends, so I had to practice self control, teach myself empathy and not hit anyone.

    You have a lot of empathy for your abusive ex husband. My concern is does your empathy for him overshadow your compassion for yourself?
    Sometimes it can be emotionally validating to say X was a B*!%# for physically abusing me.

    There are plenty of people who feel unlovable that don’t go on to abuse others. So I don’t believe that it explains the behaviour. You said yourself that you now share those feelings. Yet you are kind and empathetic. I doubt that you would ever harm anyone because of those feelings.

    You strike me as a very intelligent, emotionally resilient woman and I honestly believe that in time you can recover from this, especially with the support of a skilled trauma therapist. Don’t be dishearted by the length of time it is taking. These things are not easy or quick, but indeed, possible. May your pain grow smaller in time!

    #404696
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jupiter:

    You wrote in regard to your childhood: “I’d been… the child of an addict, and was one of seven children spanning a variety of failed marriages — only one of whom was my biological sibling“- I imagine that growing up you felt very un-special. Maybe you were treated like a thing, not like a person. Maybe you were treated as if you were 2-dimensional, not like the 3-dimensional, complex child and teenager that you were. A deep craving was born: the craving to be treated special and to feel special.

    In a reply in another thread, you wrote to another member: “what you’re saying is that every woman is interchangeable… Women are people. Individuals, human beings. They have different standards, desires, interests and beliefs. Too many people think that getting a life partner is like fishing at the side of a pond, where the only thing that matters is getting a fish. It doesn’t matter which fish takes the bait, because they’re all fish, right? Finding a partner means finding a real human being“-

    – I think that while growing up you were treated as if you were interchangeable, as if you were a thing, not a person; as if you were not an individual, real human being with her own standards, desires, interests and beliefs, as if it didn’t matter who you were… as if you were just a fish like any other fish.

    Back to your thread, you wrote: “I met him in a bar through mutual friends and asked if he wanted to go for a coffee. He replied with a 2000-word essay about having fallen madly in love with me. I was astonished, and was swept off my feet… and I jumped in with both feet“- feeling that he noticed your specialness and picked you from the rest as the one worthy of his 2000-word essay quenched that childhood craving, for a while, left you eager for more of that feeling of special.

    But later events in the relationship led you to the following: “I don’t think he cared which girlfriend. I think women were interchangeable to him..  It’s like catching a fish in a river, when you’re starving. It doesn’t matter which fish you catch, as long as you get one” – he gave you the feeling of being special and then he took it away, and you were back to feeling interchangeable, a fish, could have been any fish.

    I will jump straight to the last part of your original post: “Deep down I believe that no-one is ever going to love me as a person, that someone only wants me to fulfil a role, that I am replaceable” – seems to me that you are yet to be treated special, like the 3-dimensional, real person that you are; yet to be treated as an irreplaceable, unique, special person. The craving is just as strong as always, isn’t it?

    I would like to tell you about my experience growing up feeling very, very un-special, but I need to know if you are interested in reading about it. I would also like to know what you think about what I posted to you so far. Maybe you will tell me, maybe you will not, but either way, I wish you well!

    anita

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