No matter what you do, if she ends up with the other guy you will think whatever you did was wrong.
But it won’t be.
Because she will ultimately choose who her heart feels the passion towards.
If I were you, I would pull back some so she has room to see how she feels.
If you don’t give her room she is going to shut down towards you for sure.
You sound so hurt, and I am sorry.
I know it isn’t fair that you have worked so long and hard for her to see her with another.
Your work and patience will pay off though because we reap what we sow.
You will get her or better!
Try to stay busy and let her see that you are ok. In this way you are standing strong and will make you more attractive to her.
This other guy might not work out and could be a fleeting thing so hold your own and be strong!
Develop your strengths to fall back on and always know you are capable of finding great love.

Hi Volcomjeans,

When we meet people that we click with, we generally know in an instant because everything feels natural and they appreciate you for who you are. If the she needs to think, deliberate and be convinced before she feels something for you, chances are she is not the one you are looking for. The reason why she got with this guy after a month is because she feels something compatible with this person that she didn’t feel for you. It has nothing to do with time, academic qualification, money, appearence etc which is why it seems so unfair. Having been on the recieving end of this myself, I can understand how frustrating this is but the question is, what are you going to do about it?

Personally, I don’t believe that it is selfish for you want to take your leave. How can you be in a relationship with someone when one party gets what they want (friendship) at the cost of what you want (relationship)? No matter how much you love this person, it is not worth having your self esteem kicked in the face everytime you see her and even if she breaks up with this guy, you will just end up as a shoulder to cry on until she meets another guy. Over time, you will eventually end up resenting her. So instead of holding on, let go. This will allow you to remember you time together fondly and move on to meeting someone who feels the same way about you.

• This reply was modified 9 years, 11 months ago by Yue.

I agree with maggie. Speaking from experience, I was in almost the identical situation as you when I was a bit younger. I would have benefited greatly if I would have had the courage to ask others from some positive words of advice so I commend you for that. I ended up sticking around and not giving her the space she needed to determine who she really wanted to be with. Because of this, she grew sour toward me and I ended up feeling negatively about her as well. Her family knew my family and we had the same friends, so it really created an awkward situation for a few years until we were able to speak and realize that we didn’t have to live through our past. We are friends today, but I learned A LOT from the situation and it has allowed me to help others in similar situations.

At times people need space in order to think clearly. When we hold multiple options in our minds all at once, we tend to lose track of how we really feel and what we really want. It kind of blinds our vision and we end up getting frustrated and just wanting to push it all away due to stress. A little moment of clarity (you having the strength to give her a bit of space) may be just what both of you need. It will allow her to understand what she really wants and it will also take some weight off your shoulders by knowing that you are doing what is best for both you and her. I know how hard it can be, but try to surround the situation with love and understand that no matter what the outcome is, it will only help you grow and progress toward sharing the love you truly desire with someone who’s out there waiting for someone exactly like you. Although it hurts now, you’re blessed to have felt what its like to express love…many people are too afraid to become vulnerable the way you have, so you’ve done an awesome job so far. Stay positive!

I’m glad that many people responded to your post! I read it early this morning and became very angry. I wanted to tell you that you don’t need to cast your pearl before swine. The love that you are giving this woman is better spent on someone else. Even if this the relationship with the new guy doesn’t work out for her, I would argue strongly against you running back. She seems like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. Don’t give her the luxury of having a “fallback” guy, unless you REALLY want to be “that” kind of guy.
I suggest that you follow the advice of others and begin to erect some mental barriers around your heart as it pertains to this woman. Get busy! Start dating! Find happiness outside of her! She is not the only fish in the sea. Sometimes being too into a person/relationship can cloud our vision and dull our senses. I have the feeling that you’ve already come to some conclusions. While you wait in limbo for this person with your heart completely overwhelmed, you may be missing the love of your life who is standing right before you.

Hi Volcomjeans,

Just because she likes that guy, it doesn’t mean he is a better man than you. When my ex broke up with me, she went out with someone who is much older than her (10 years), less attractive and less intelligent (her words not mine) who ended up cheating on her. I went through a period of pain wondering why she liked that guy and eventually realised that it’s not a matter of who is better but who she feels a stronger attraction to. We went for a second attempt after she broke up with that guy but even though we have a lot in common and shared a unique bond, it didn’t last as we are not compatible as partners. Similar to your situation, she offered to be friends but I cannot see myself as the “back up guy” or someone who hangs around hoping to have another shot through the friend zone or someone who can actually be friends with her. So even though I treasure our bond, I’ve decided to move on because it would have been incredibly unfair to myself to extend that pain. It’s not easy and I wondered about that decision quite a bit in the initial period but now that I had time to think about it, I feel that I’ve made the right decision.

It is said that when you are at your lowest point, your heart is open to the greatest changes. What you are feeling right now, this ball of energy that feels like it’s eating your heart is something that you can channel into something positive. Instead of drowning it or let it work against you (e.g. second guessing what you could have done to change the outcome), use it to make changes in your life that you have always wanted to make but never had the time/motivation to do so.

What define you as a person is never about what happend to you but how you handled the situation. When you look in the mirror, do you want to see someone who stayed in a relationship because of feelings of discomfort or someone who used this experience to become a better and more compassionate person? Make a decision that is consistent with who you are and you will not worry about who thinks what in a few months time.