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What should I do?

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  • August 15, 2013 at 11:10 am #40551
    Letty
    Participant

    Hi everyone. I was with my partner for just under 2 years before we moved in together. We then lived together for just over 19 months before he took a job 250 miles away that meant we would only see each other at weekends. I knew the physical distance would cause difficulties in our relationship and 4 months after he moved away for his job we had an arguement which resulted in him not coming back that weekend and refusing to answer my calls or texts. During this time apart I had an intuition to drive past his old house, which he told me he had put up for sale, only to find someone was living it it paying rent. Since he had moved away he had not been contributing financially to our home together. I confronted him and he told me that he had lied because of financial problems, that he couldn’t afford to contribute to our home anymore and was too embarrassed to say. During that time apart I also travelled up to where he was working to try to resolve our issues but he said I couldn’t stay with him and had to leave. I did but was really confused by this action? We made up a couple of months later and everything seemed fine until August when he said it wasn’t working and left to head back up to his work again. We continued to talk between Aug and Dec when he then told me lies about his plans for Christmas. When I found out about this, I told him it was over and tried to get on with my life. We started talking again in March, this time he tried to reach out to me, was making all the effort, promised things would change, so I started to connect with him again because I still loved him. All was fine for a few months and then suddenly he became distant again. I don’t understand it. He says I am his soulmate, make him complete and yet he blows hot and cold. Every time he does this it’s damaging the relationship. I have agreed to see him next week to “talk”, but I really don’t know how I feel about it all. I’m fed up with lies and being leg down, and yet I have never felt the depth of love I feel for him. Any words of wisdom would really be appreciated xx

    August 15, 2013 at 11:31 am #40553
    Buddhist Wife
    Participant

    Hi Letty,

    What do you want?

    Do you want to live like you are living now? Does it make you happy? I’m not being facetious here, I’m genuinely asking. For some people this is what they want. They like being non committed and for them, love with a partner is about a lot of ups and downs, changes and trials. If this is what you want, you have to try and move to a place of acceptance where you accept your relationship for what it is.

    For others however, the majority I think, what they really want is stability. They want traditional monogamy, a marriage and children if possible.

    It seems to me that if you fall into this later group, you have to ask yourself some very serious questions about whether this man is the right man for you. He has already shown that he is comfortable with lying to you and is unreliable. These characteristics are extremely detrimental in a marriage and a man with them is likely to make a bad father.

    Sometimes we love someone but we cannot have them in our lives, because what they do to us is too damaging.

    I send you love and support and I hope that you find a solution that pleases you.

    August 15, 2013 at 11:44 am #40554
    Letty
    Participant

    Hi Buddhist Wife, thank you for your reply. Wow, your first question really made me think! I have been married before as has this man. We both have children from previous marriages. If I’m honest with myself, he also chose to leave his daughter for a job, she was staying with us 3 days a week when we lived together. I really loved his daughter like she was my own, but he struggled to get close to my son in the way I would have wanted him to. I know he cared , but he struggled to show my son any physical affection. What I want us stability, reliability, support and a genuine 50:50 partnership. I just can’t understand why I feel so attached to him? So maybe I just need to be honest with myself and realise that maybe he is just not capable of giving me what I want. When you said he is comfortable lying to me, that was quite shocking, probably because the truth hurts. I want him to change bug I honestly don’t think he can. Maybe our “talk”‘will just lead to another couple of months of hurt and stop me from moving on with my life. Thank you so much for being so honest with me. Sometimes when you are so entrenched in the drama of such a relationship you don’t want to see it for what it is. Xx.

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