Ananya,

My wife and I had a very similar problem when our relationship began. I misrepresented some relations I had with women, downplaying the connection. The intimacy with those women was platonic, but inspired jealousy in my partner. The way we resolved it was this:

I promised to be honest and open with her, and she promised to settle the jealousy. With this sacred promise to each other, our relationship had a road to bring up that sticky topic. “My love, I’m fearful to talk about my conversation with ananya, are you open to hearing my view?” This let’s her relax and open so she can see what I see instead of her fears. “My love, I’m jealous. You keep talking to other women and I am scared you are shopping. Are you available to remind me of your love for me?” This lets me see the disturbance in the heart and respond with caring.

It works for us. I connect with women (and she is here with me) because we have spent the time cultivating acceptance for what comes up between us.

With warmth,
Matt

• This reply was modified 11 years, 5 months ago by Matt.

Hi Ananya,

Thank you for sharing your pain. I know that takes some courage.

I’d like to offer you this; It sounds like I’m hearing you are struggling with healing, communication and fear?

First up, what exactly is causing you pain right now? Take a look into this. What is being compromised for you? Trust? Faith? Love? Finding some clarity on this may help you move forward.

Second, when you figure out what is being compromised for you, why does it cause you stress? What do you need in this situation? What would make it better for you? Asking yourself some deeper questions can help you get some perspective to work from.

Third, what makes great communication? What does that that look like for you? Seeing what you need from communication is important. Also, seeing how you are communicating is valuable. When you respond to lies, how do you respond? What’s another response? Often when communicating in difficult, stressful situations we come from a place of defense or attack. What would it look like to respond neutrally? Can this be a way for you? What is another way, your way?

Lastly, what are you frightened of happening? Where is your fear? Its worth checking in with yourself and having a dialogue with your fear. We often avoid this because fear in itself can be unwelcoming. Open your front door to fear and talk to it. What does it want from you? How can you work with it?

Stepping back and asking ourselves questions like the ones above can give us clarity, purpose, direction and awareness we might have missed.

I hope this helps you a little and I wish you the very best. You deserve peace and I hope you find it soon.

Warmly,

Matt.