Hi,

I have been in a same sex long distance relationship for almost 10 months now and it is my first relationship in a way. We met in May2019 and since then our relationship has grown inch by inch. There are extreme highs and lows in this relationship. Since our relationship has started, my partner lost her father(whom she has not met in more than a decade), then her dog few months later.  We have had disagreements over her ex still being in the picture. Over a period of time, sometime in last july, she did give a hard ‘No’ to her ex. They still continued to meet and talk once in a while. I tried not to make a huge issue out of it. It was last August, when i asked her to come and meet me. She mentioned that she was too busy and cannot make it. I withdrew myself, thinking that may be she was not serious enough. Days following that, she chased me, she was attentive and was even ok with a paltry hello every day. Despite me mentioning that i am not in the same phase. I slowly grew to love and understand her. We had more video calls, more interactions, less stress and worry. She mentioned in the month of September that she would really like to visit me over the weekend. I cleared my schedule for her despite feeling anxious and not completely ok with it. Just a day before, when i wanted to confirm the plans, she mentioned that it’s too expensive(Money is not a concern for her) and that she cannot leave the dog. While what she said, made sense practically. I felt bad that she just raised my hopes and didn’t even bother to send a message with her explanation. I did not say anything and left it at that. Two days, after that, we were having a discussion and she mentioned that i was feeling bad that she did not make an effort and that i deserved someone better. We argued and then i apologized for my heated come back’s and we were going steady. One day, she just decided, that she will come and meet and told me a day before. I was not ok with it and asked her to cancel the trip. She did not and advised that, she will be in my city and will not feel bad regardless of me not meeting her. We met and everything went really well and then she broke up with me advising that she does not feel the same way about me. Couple of days later, she messaged me saying she missed me and we were happy for two months. End of December, she got the news advising her mom is suffering from cancer. She has been very busy with that and we used to speak whenever she had time. Through all of this time till february, there were small arguments and fights of not being able to even talk to each other for 5 minutes. On 10th february, there was a crisis that occurred. Only she could help me with it and she was well aware of the situation immediately. She called in the morning little later after the incident happened. I was very emotional while talking to her and was trying to understand the situation. She said that she was going to hospital to drop her mom and sister. I did not receive any call the entire day. I was determined not to blow this up. I went quiet but i kept getting messages from her saying she wanted to talk or that the distance is increasing. I felt like i was being pushed to a corner. An argument erupted and when i confronted her, she said, she might not be available in the future as well. She blocked me and then unblocked me and then refused to take my calls or respond to my messages. She only advised that she was going to send a package. She sent a letter saying that nothing that i was asking was unreasonable but her past has chipped away everything from her and she would not be able give me what i am looking for. All i wanted to know was whether or not she was willing to try. I called her the same day and then tried to speak to her friend. I also dropped an email saying that i will wait for her and also apologised for my outbursts but there has been no response. I waited for couple of weeks and then called her. she spoke well and i told her about how i have been feeling and apologised to her once again. She mentioned that she misses me but she has no new answers to give to me. I ended the conversation after that. She sent a message to me a week after this letting me know that her mom is now doing fine. I responded accordingly. I got up today morning and was fighting a panic attack and for some reason, i thought it was related to her. I messaged her and she responded in monosyllables. I mentioned that it was not my intention to bother but wanted to check if everything was fine. She then told me that she was doing ok and gave me a gist. I feel like she wants to move on and that she wants me to move on. But i am unable to. It feels surreal at times but at the same time, i feel guilty, sometimes anger and intense sadness. I want her back and i know we can work things out. But, i do not know, if i should just let go and start prioritising myself. I realised that over a period of time, i ended up neglecting me and i always put her at the forefront and she became very important to me. In essence, i have loved her more than i loved myself. Please tell me what i should do.. I am very confused. Everyone around me is asking me to let go and i am trying to. Whenever, i see something related to her on what’s app status and call. My heart starts aching. I don’t think, i am ready to let her go yet. At the same time, waiting through this period is also hell.