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what makes us think about an ex when we know we will be better off?

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  • May 23, 2018 at 9:13 am #208965
    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    One thing I forgot to mention which may, or may not be of relevant to this.  About 45 min. before my ex came yesterday to talk, I called and spoke with his older brother which is 62, 10 yr. my ex senior.  I asked him if he was aware we had split and he said sadly yes, that my ex had told him over the weekend that he didn’t think I would be happy traveling with him.  To my ex, traveling is away for the day, which he mentioned very rarely to me.  I never kept him from doing anything, I would encourage him & he would say he would rather be at home doing things with me.

    O k, back to the conversation, I told his brother my ex was coming over & we were going to talk and I didn’t know how I should approach him because he was out of the normal for me & I didn’t want to upset him.  His response, shocked me & I was speechless…He said when my ex & his ex-wife split up she also called him and asked basically the same question!  He said my ex did the same to her, one day they got into an argument & my ex told her he had enough and was moving on, that he was no longer happy & felt trapped and felt like he would be happier on his own.  I feel this is a patter for him when the going gets tough~??

    What do you think & sorry if I am rambling, I am trying my best to sort through this without shutting down from all of the confusion and beginning to feel resentment towards him now if indeed this was his way out & his stock answer.  I do understand my he was taking the path of least resistance, which I feel is not going to work for me.  I never saw that in him.  Maybe I have had blinders on during this relationship.

    Bella

    May 23, 2018 at 9:35 am #208977
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Bella:

    Regarding your previous post, you wrote: “When I said he lashed out, it was the remark he made about me finding a new boyfriend”. This remark is not lashing out. It is my understanding that you magnify a person’s anger, seeing a minimally expressed annoyance as an aggressive display, a lashing out. This alone, on your part, cannot allow a healthy relationship with a man, any man.

    Regarding what his brother told you: if what he told you was true, it may mean that your ex boyfriend hold in a whole lot of anger, tries to not express it, until he does, in a final kind of goodbye way.

    Basically the two of you have trouble with anger: you don’t allow him to express any of it and he doesn’t express it adequately. He doesn’t assert himself. He came into the relationship with you uncomfortable with his anger and you came into the relationship with him uncomfortable with his anger.

    Now you feel angry at him, angry that he left you without expressing his anger beforehand, anger that you discouraged him from expressing all along.

    anita

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