Hello Pink Salmon!

It’s sad to read about your resignation from life and I’m sorry you find yourself in the position you’re in right now. I don’t think there is anything wrong with you. At least not any more or less than there is anything wrong with any of us. I also think that your feelings are perfectly normal. However, your thoughts are quite harsh and self-defeating. Allow me to elaborate:

We all have basic needs and desires and there is nothing wrong with them. Unfortunately we have created societies that dictate what and when is supposedly OK and what isn’t. So we attach morality into basic needs and things get too complicated. It could be sex or food or any other really basic need that we all have, and due to all kinds of pressures and fears surrounding those needs, our relationship with those needs have been twisted. That can indeed create perversions, because the needs still have to be met, but because of the fears involved, it is no longer authentic. But to desire sex is perfectly normal and of course you know that already.

Now, however, your needs aren’t being met, which obviously causes physical and emotional distress. That’s absolutely normal as well. Where things start to go wrong is your explanations for all of it. Your needs aren’t met and you allow it to happen so the logical conclusion in your mind is that you must not be worth much. It’s what you deserve. That’s the part you should be really skeptical about. We can’t always have our needs met, but it doesn’t mean that it’s because we deserve it. You’re creating a story on top of your experiences that is just that: a story. Just like your wife probably has her own story. The reality and the truth is probably something different from both of your stories.

I’m neither a man, nor have I ever been married, so I can’t truly understand the practicalities of your problem. I do know that it’s really difficult to start changing the mindset from a codependent personality to something healthier when you’re within that entangling relationship. I don’t think it’s impossible though. How other people treat you is one thing, but how you treat yourself and how you talk to yourself is something you can change. It is very unfortunate that you’re finding yourself in a toxic relationship, but perhaps it would be better to not attach morality into how you got into that situation. You’re not in that situation because you are bad or worthless. So I think that mentally stepping back a bit and taking a compassionate look at what is going on might provide you better answers to what you should do.

I feel like this was a bit sporadic, but I hope you understand what I’m trying to say 🙂

Pink Salmon,

I’m sorry for your suffering, brother, and understand how empty the future looks when our hope has gone out. Sometimes when we’ve put all our eggs in one basket, and that basket ends up being abusive, we develop a strong thirst. Much like a wanderer in a desert seeks water desperately, so do we look for warmth when a relationship is cold. Its stupid to pretend we are not thirsty, dumb to call the thirst bad, wrong to blame ourselves for such need. Said differently, between your body’s desire for sexual contact, closeness, authenntic connection, there are a whole bundle of feelings, that are normal, natural, and healthy. And yet, because you get your sense of self value from her, and she tells you critical things (directly or covertly) you feel ashamed of the man you are. Dont despair, for your path is not a dead end, and there is always a branch we can take that leads our joy to blossom.

There are a couple of key ideas that you’ll perhaps have to explore in order to find your freedom. The first is this whole feeling of shame surrounding sex. Wanting to have sex, thinking about sex, fantasies about sex, about body parts grinding together, infidelity and so forth are all perfectly normal. We’re all programmed with a deep yearning, dont be ashamed of your desire. And, when we have been sexually suppressed, often our tastes shift and grow away from the heart into the extreme. Porn, for instance, is a pale substitute that often leads us to find more sparkly, more unusual, more this, more that. Its like candy, some flashy popping, but little nourishment. So it snowballs into all. sorts of exploration, looking for the sensual “fix”. Theres a neat TED talk about sex and pornography out there that i’m sure you could find if interested.

Our yearning is simpler to manage when there is a partner to dance with, who enjoys regular intervals of sexual contact and release. But when we dont, our sexual potential grows and we begin to experience crisis. The balloon fills, the honeypot tops off, and thoughts of sex become very alluring, very calling. And right alongside it, for some, there is also shame. Perhaps for the first moments, hours, weeks, months or years, our sexual desire remains focused on our partner. As time goes on, our patience erodes, and others start looking better and better. All normal, all usual… but we made a promise, a vow. And yet, our body “schwings” when curves and valleys catch our minds eye. Ahhhhh!

Consider that trying to be a good boy is where you went astray, the path away from the center of your heart, your joy. At some point in your past (perhaps mom, from your description, maybe a middle child with an older, abusive sibling or whatnot) someone convinced you that you were broken, flawed. “dont trust yourself, only trust me…” or some such bullshit. This was abusive, detrimental to your sense of self value, and now is a good time to heal it. Said differently, when we dont trust that we’re ok, wise fools bumbling along, doing our best, then we learn really slow. We take in a lesson, but have to check it with the “trusted one” or “the light source”. So we end up learning a pale reflection of our lesson, tainted by the other’s hang ups and views.

For instance, perhaps you’ve been looking to your wife for what is safe, sexually or otherwise. And, because she is critical and a fault finder, instead of tender care, you get terse rebukes. No wonder your heart feels heavy, no wonder you feel like crap. Consider for a moment if you wanted to try some new kind of sex experience, like oral, anal, a threeway or whatever. You submit your desire to your partner, and her response is like “what is wrong with you, sicko?!” This is her error, and yours in taking it in. The initial desire is neither sick or wrong, your wife reflected back shame, and as you took in your “trusted one’s” assessment, you formed a false self view. As though your sexual desires, your sexual identity is flawed. Wrong, false, MU! Desires just are what they are. If you want to wear skirts, normal, usual, lovable. Sex with men, sex often, sex rarely, wanting more than one partner, roleplaying, anything. All normal, all usual, all lovable.

Shame is such a difficult weave to untangle, though, because its a feeling of unease with ourselves. And worse, it sets us on a cycle of trying to prove we’re lovable… which only hurts more when our trusted one is abusive, grinding our accomplishments or claiming them for their own.

The solution for this is actually pretty simple. Its time to throw your hands in the air, accept you have no idea what the heck youre doing or what is going on, and surrender with humility to who you are and where you are. Your wife doesnt know how to find balance and joy, neither do you. Her sex drive is perhaps shut down, and you struggle like crazy trying to shut yours down with little succees. Said differently, consider that you have a huge burden on your shoulders from years of abuse and self neglect. When it gets too heavy, we can choose to set it down. Thats when we can stop, take a look around, and start growing a new path for ourselves.

Of course, that doesnt actually get you there, it just starts the path toward freedom from who you’ve been. The path actually starts growing well when you begin to notice your thoughts and feelings, and how they seem to take up space inside us, but are actually empty. Said differently, consider for a moment how mean your mind is to you. It tells you all sorts of crappy things about who you are, what youve done, blaming you for failures and mistakes. This isnt just “how it goes”, rather, this is a bad habit your. mind is in. To break that habit, consider starting to take better care of yourself through self nurturing. Brother, there have been many times when you’ve needed help, a warm heart to turn to, gentle arms to hold you, and you didnt get it. You got something icky instead, or “love with a hook in it” such as arms that hug you only when youre doing well, doing the things they like, being the person they want you to be. Ouch!

You deserve better than that, friend. Your heart wants tenderness, soft attention, and because of where you are right now, you’ll have to do it yourself. Words only take us so far, thoughts only take us so far. Its time to take a stand, and do loving things for yourself. Pick up a hobby that you enjoy, for instance, and dont share it with her. Hop in the tub, light some candles, put on some soft music, and uninvite her from the space with you. Perhaps go for a day trip somewhere, and dont tell anyone where youre going. Just you, yourself, on a journey of discovery. As you show your mindnand body through loving actions, actions that put space around you, slowly, over time, we learn to love ourselves. Then we learn really fast what the difference is between a loving and abusive touch.

My favorite self nurturing action is metta meditation. Consider that the majority of your issue is actually the tangled hive of brambles and thorns spinning around your head. Self blame, self criticism, old spinning cycles of muck and filth, etc. Metta helps slow and stop those cycles by opening the space around our thoughts, so we’re not just pinballing around our brain. Consider “sharon salzburg guided metta meditation” on youtube if interested. If you’re serious about getting well, and want to reclaim the light that once glowed bright in your heart, then consider perhaps twice a day for a few weeks, then once a day. Its not that metta is a cure all, or it will make the difficulties go away, but it will help greatly in reducing the habitual addictive quality to your uglier thoughts (for yourself and others, shame, resentment etc) which make untangling the rest much more like a puzzle to work out than a disaster to recover from.

For the record, I was married with a woman that was not compatible, and went through something similar to the dark night you’re going through. My just punishment, only the wife would possibly love me, feeling like a pervert. Blah blah, bullpucky. It took a few years, but I got divorced, did some self exploration, and then remarried… and am now blissfully happy. We still get in spats and whatnot, but the ground my wife and I return to is deep, rich, and satisfying. Dont give up hope, because its never too late if you really want it. Consider, there are many women that would love you as is, sex drive and all. Or, if you and your wife get some counseling, you may find that she opens up a little more after hearing a doctor say sex is good, fun, playful, safe, etc and starts sharing more of what gets her river flowing. Stranger things have happened!

Finally, consider that you’ve had a lot of time being in one way, and it will take time to grow a new one. So be patient with yourself, gentle. I know its tough when we are in pain, but just breathe, try to endure with peace. It will untangle with time and effort, it always does when we aim our will skillfully.

Namaste, brother, may you discover just how beautiful you are.

With warmth,
Matt

Pink Salmon,

Wow. I’m awed by how quickly you produced your puzzle, this energy knot that holding you back. Consider how alert you are to the pain, how much self understanding can blossom here, is coming together here. Consider that when you were a teen, you were tossed suddenly headfirst into isolation and shame in the outgroup. What the hell, right? Those fuckers were bonding over our pain, laughing at our suffering and isolation. Then, reboot, and She. Whew, what a relief to have a sexy, beautiful companion. Connection, status, something else to do, sex. Muuuuch better.

But here you are, still stuck in a similar situation. Out there is the mess, the ingroup all flowing along, connecting… and to jump back in, without her, without the security. Why… its a jump into the void. Holy shit, no wonder its scary. What if its highschool all over again? Could you really divorce her, grow something only for you? Flashbacks make sense, its the same fear.

Now, as to that, you’re sure about divorce? Common ground completely eroded? Consider that she might be just as in the muck as you, firing off blasts of goop at you because she is full to bursting with uncomfortable emotions (often suppressed sexual desire, ironically enough). Can you see the girl in her? If you rest, look deeply at her, can you see, feel the life of the union? If you could sing that playful girl back to life, would you want to? Would she? That’s between you and your heart, with no right answer.

Now, for this whole “holy shit, the unknown, can I really do it alone?” Consider for a moment what happened the first time. In middle school, you were a dumb kid. And it sucked, a lot. Its tough for a whole lot of people. I did OK most of the time as a kind of doppelganger, but my best friend got it pretty bad. Sadly, I was too scared to stand up for him unless it got really bad. Sigh, dumb kids, you, me, them, and most of us carry old regrets.

However, consider the second time, when you rebooted at college. A fresh start, down the rabbit hole, feeling scared, alone, but hopeful. So it was OK. You jumped in, found your groove, started feeling better, more confident. And then shazam, a beautiful woman. She was so brilliant, (the latch) that you focused on her, building with her, playing with her, reaching to her for assurances, consolation, entertainment etc. Sometimes when we dive into a romance without balance (time together, time alone, groove, our groove etc) we form that dependence that kills to union eventually. Instead, had you continued on with the habits and actions you were doing, and balanced her into it, you two could have grown together, but independently… with separate esteem. No time machines, though, but at least it went way better than the first cycle. You learned a lot, know a lot more about what you like and don’t.

So, two points make a line, perhaps third times a charm? Consider, you could do anything. Rejection, failure, awkwardness… you’ve done that before, worked through it. This time around, courage will regrow much faster, because its the only path that makes sense. Do you think that feeling uncomfortable while you have a “talk” about where you are in the relationship is really worse than pressing your face against a cheese grater for another dozen years? Yeah. So, perhaps its not a matter of if, but when, and when is always now.

But consider, inside you there is that college kid, too. Exploring, dancing. The college girl is in her too. If you don’t want to try to rekindle, at least be respectful. Consider doing some metta before deciding, it is remarkable how kindness can help us see a hurting friend, rather than a wicked judge. If you can see a hurting friend, then connecting may be as simple as remembering how you wooed her before. She might just miss being seen, etc etc. But, if/when the time comes, try not to be acusitory. “I’m not happy, I have to figure me out, something is not working”.

Finally, I know the unknown can be scary. And, it takes courage to jump. However, freedom is the reward, and now that you’ve evolved, seen yourself, felt the unmet desires, perhaps you know what you want. So, the courage to jump seems like it would be easy to muster. Just keep your eyes open, and don’t sacrifice your momentum if you meet another pretty smile. Keep at your hobbies and passions, find balance and so forth.

Namaste, brother, may your courage to grow match the courage you show here.

With warmth,
Matt

i know when people say u will be okay it is very easy for them but not for the person who suffer . i m really disappoint with my life daily i feel to kill maself and i have tried many times..but after thinking my family my tears not stop.. i loved a girl so much in my 22 and and from starting i was very happy to help others and my life was very good but after i love that girl i starting to loose myself i m very loyal to her and i always take care of everyone i feel by chance i cannot hurt anyone . I lost my job for her to get better start preapartion for government exam and she moved to new place after she got new friend new circle she start ignoring me and in last she said it was nothing to her.. i cant stop myself to cry i ask to forgive me on my knee but she not agree and i lost my everything because of her my life my friends my job everything ..now i m fail in my exam and everyday i see herself happy with new new friends .and i feel to kill maself ..i have not did bad for anyone why god choose me why ??? i lost my confidence to live , this site is very good i daily read it really give me strength to sometime ..LORI u really a good person and every person here are very good bless u everyone .. anyone can not feel my pain .i pull my hair tightly and put my head on wall but nothing happen only i got pain and pain…..