Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→what is wrong with me?
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April 19, 2018 at 4:04 am #203133
AnonymousInactiveThank you so much anita!! Wish me luck!!
April 19, 2018 at 4:11 am #203137AnonymousGuestDear vaishu:
You are welcome and I wish you the best. Come back to your thread anytime you’d like with your thoughts, your feelings and life experiences.
anita
May 3, 2018 at 6:17 am #205405AnonymousInactiveThank you so much for your advice! They were really helpful!!
May 3, 2018 at 6:25 am #205411AnonymousGuestDear vaishu:
You are welcome. How are you these days?
anita
May 3, 2018 at 7:18 am #205419
FlowergirlParticipantHow do I write something? And post it? Please?
May 7, 2018 at 3:21 am #205911AnonymousInactivethank you so much anita!!
but, earlier i had told you about my friends at school who started avoiding me for no reason. remember?
Though, this does not my worsen my life, I’m too concerned about my friend.
Earlier this month she opened up why she had been like this.
she had put the following note in her phone, which she showed it to me. Now I feel really bad for everything I did. how do I respond to this?
the note she had written about me:
I get attached to people who help me. I don’t ever want them to go. That’s why I become obsessed. That’s why I love them. Cuz they saw in me what no one else did. They cared about me. I want them to stay. I want them to love me. I want them to be mine. So I can always hold on. Never let go. I don’t wanna end up alone All alone. Cuz I’ve been it and it sucked. Still does. That’s why I hate those ones and those moments who pull me further down than what I already am. I can only help you so far as I’ve helped myself. Beyond that I’m incapable. And I hate feeling incapable cuz I feel it all the time. I need time to feel my own pain. It demands to be felt, remember? I need time to pity myself, as pathetic as it may sound. I can’t do that if I keep pitying you, when I need someone to pity me, though I hate it. Cuz I’ve taught myself that I can’t ever find love, but only pity. One only wants something when they can’t give it to themselves. People want love cuz they’re not able to love themselves. When I can’t find love in me or from anyone else, all I have is pity. And when no one else does, I do. If I exhaust myself on you, I have nothing left for me. That makes me a monster. That makes me insane. That day, I kickedvaishnavi on purpose. It gave me pleasure seeing her cry and suffer. Immense pleasure. Cuz she was taking away from me the only thing I had left. Maybe that’s why I like torture. I like being her dom. I shout at her and hate her and order her around cuz it’s all a way of dominating her. And the root of that is torture. I like seeing her tortured. It’s making me a fucking monster and I can’t live with it. I never really loved her. I never really loved anyone except those who helped me. That’s why I loved Jags. That’s why I love saath. That’s why I love my family. You see how selfish I am? Won’t even love a person unless it helps me. That’s how incapable I am of feeling love. It’s not only that I can never be loved. It’s the constant doubt of whether or not I can love selflessly. I never loved vaish. I pitied her. Then she came so close and clinged on that it was annoying. I need my space. I hated her for taking everything I had left away from me. My space, My pity, my self assurance, my Right to sulk. Now she was the one who sulked and if I ever did I was compared to her. HELL NO. I’m not like her. Her problems are not mine. She’s not an equal. She never was. Never will be. She’s not someone I would like calling a friend rather someone I pity. Someone who’s desperate. The way I am. That’s what made me realise Jags saw me the way I see her. That he didn’t love me. Only pitied me. Never saw me as equal. That’s why I doubt if anyone will ever love me and not pity me. Or at least, do one of those two. I’m never gonna find a person who loves me for what I am. Even if I do by miracle, I’m not gonna do justice to the love they give. (Later) Vaish claimed to have loved me. I realised that just as how I pitied her the way jags pitied me, she depended on me the way I depended on jags. It became toxic. I wanted her to be independent, but was making her dependent on me. I’m happy now that she’s got a bf she likes. She still claims to love me, but now I love her too. Both, as friends, and nothing more. And I love that. I realised much later that she, indeed, was helping me too. Helping me realise the various nuances of who I truly am. Helping me be me. Helping me love myself, with the love she gave. She thinks I’m beautiful. I wish I could see what she does. I can’t. I don’t think anyone can. That’s what makes her special in its own way. She’s amongst the first to love me for who I am. But still, like I said, I wasn’t able to do justice to her love. Never loved her, but as a friend. In my constant self doubt, I doubted her ability to love me as well. I thought it’s impossible for anyone to love me, because no one Did, no one could, and no one will. Because I can’t. (Much later) Now I think I’m going to keep my ways open, and not deprive myself of the chance to find love.I was never a monster, but always a bully. That has sorta creeped inside me now I guess. Years and years of bullying had made me reflect it onto the outside world. Made me aggressive. When I was stopped from bullying others, I started bullying myself. That’s where all the self doubt comes from. When I finally had another person to bully, years and years of it came out at once. Made me a monster. Gave me freedom from the torture of bullying myself. It’s killing me. If I stop bullying her, and I swear to god I’m trying to do That, I’ll start with myself all over again. And that’s what I’m essentially doing Don’t you get It? I’m saving her from me by sacrificing myself. Big words Ik, but thats what I feel like Every. Fucking. Time. I try to tell her not to indulge in sex cos it unleashes that Tyrant in me. It’s almost impossible to push her away She tells me not to ignore her but all I’m trying to do is save her. It’s not like I’m not sorry. I did give her a true heartfelt apology. But she just kept saying don’t be. Doesn’t she see that these words don’t help restraining that Tyrant It just seems so pretentious! : Here I am, not able to believe in myself. Have major trust issues with everyone around me, myself included, and I tell her to have faith that she can do something??? : What does that make me, A hypocrite? And it’s just so EXHAUSTING! You know the type of issues I have. You know how I feel about them. The very reason I even wanted to help her is because I knew what it felt like to be that way. I just wanted to be her vent and maybe try and help a bit. But she started to cling SO MUCH. I wish I could just scream and tell her that she’s not the only one who has problems and to snap the fuck out of it. : Look I know I’m being a hypocrite when I say this but I wish I could tell her to stop whining about her problems cuz the world is full of them and they’re never gonna stop. Also, she’s not the only one who has problems. Plus she needs to look at the brighter side of things. But all this makes me feel so fucking pretentious cuz these are exactly the things one would tell me But that doesn’t mean I go about sulking every second of my life. And she just expects me to cling to her the way she clings to me. I don’t want to okay? I find her irritating. Annoying. Distracted and I don’t wanna become like her cuz I have high chances of it [: UK that’s what makes me feel weird. I see her sulk that much and end up feeling like I want to sulk to. I want the right to sulk for myself, but also dont wanna be pathetic about it. Cuz UGH thats gross. : Then I realise that I don’t wanna sulk but just want the attention that follows. All my ways ever have only been attention seeking ways haven’t they? Everything I do. Everything. : God I’m a horrible person : Maybe because of this only I don’t get love…. Maybe i don’t deserve it At the same time I get everything I ever ask for from god and am always grateful so I might have done at least a few good things in my life right? To get boons. I can’t be that bad can I? For the few people who love me and are with me, I might have done something right.An abnormal girl wanting to be normal, when I can’t afford to be…. Yes. I’m as normal as every other teenager, maybe even a bit off the hook, but cant afford to be normal. I’ve been termed abnormal in many ways. And I am so. What is it that a “normal” teenager does? I am quite privileged, and have most things one does not, and am very grateful. But the more simpler pleasures…. It is not the grief that I don’t have it, but the grief that I can never. A simple dress. Sleeveless. Short skirts. Shorts. To be able to look flattering in them. A person who adores me. Likes me. Likes spending time with me. Sits by and hears me speak. Holds my hand when I need it the most, and hugs me when I want it the most. Go to parties. Be socially acceptable. Be considered cool. Be able to show that I can dance too. Yes. You might call me shallow and what not. But I never can have these small pleasures. These are the things that are expected of a normal teenager aren’t they? You term me abnormal then why do you question my abnormal ways? Yes. I seek pleasure and attention in many forms; most of which are not socially acceptable. But then again, I never was. Why do you question my ways of seeking attention, pleasure and admiration, when you didn’t give me any??? Everyone needs to get it someway somehow. I got my own way. Like I always do. This gives me comfort. Solace. Recognition. All of which I never got as a normal teenager. Sometimes I think if I got all that, would I have ever ventured into the unspeakable ways? I don’t think so. But now it’s too late. I still want the normal ways. I wish they would happen because how much ever I follow my ways, they can’t compensate for human interaction, liking of the mind, connection of the soul, and butterflies of the stomach. It can’t compensate for like and respect. The things I get through my ways are quite the opposite. People often hate me and those who don’t, give me the opposite of respect. They usually deprive me of it. But I don’t mind it. Because I don’t know the value of it. I’ve never had it to miss it now. That’s why I want it. Yes, it’s true that I should stop my ways if I want respect in this Goddamn society or the eyes of people… but for what? Neither will I get respect, nor attention, nor admiration, and definitely not pleasure. Here, now, I get everything except respect. I dont wanna lose that too. What should I do? I don’t know. I’m still a normal teenager with abnormal ways. Wanting quite normal things. But the difference is that other teens CAN get it. I can’t. I’m not capable. I’m not enough. I’m not deserving. The paradox is so confusing. I want a guy who can love me for who I am without having to lose any part of me. But if I want that, I have to lose so much more than weight. Call it my excuse but it still holds true. If I have to lose weight for someone to like me; then they never liked me but my reduced figure. They only like my body. If someone liked me honestly, they would like me however I am. For who I am. But this also holds true, That no man, no boy, no one Is going to like a girl my size; my face no better. I often console my soul that I have a good personality at least, but now I’ve started to doubt that as well. My friends of course, the blessing that they are, tell me I have nothing to worry about. But maybe they’re the only ones who think so and say so and might ever love me. I truly Thank God for them…For her.. I hope I never lose saath. Ever. I hope I never lose them. They’re my precious gems. College scares me now. I’m not gonna have anyone. Not my family, not my friends, and certainly not my love. It seems so close now…. For the first time I contradict my philosophy of crossing the bridge when the time comes. But what else can I do? People often find faults with my personality as well, but I don’t care much about them. I hope I get into this college. I hope I find new friends. I hope I don’t lose my present ones. And I hope I find who and what I’m looking for.For reference,Saath is one of our mutual friends. and Jaags was a person whom she earlier liked.And, I and this friend of mine, We are bisexuals so yeah.My friend is kinda obese an looks really fat, and she always felt really bad about it ever since she was a kid and yeah.Please help.I guess, I made a mistake. I was more like a parasite on her. Though my life is much better now, I never realised that I was putting up a lot of pressure on her.The* bf* she had written about, it was the guy to whom I lost my virginity to. She does not know the fact that we broke up and we are friends now.And please help me with this too, This guy recently asked me if we can get back together.Though I still have feelings for this guy, somewhere in my mind, I get reminded that he just used me up.Should I give him an other chance?But, please feel free to tell me if I was actually a parasite on her. Because I really want to improve myself as an individual.May 7, 2018 at 4:27 am #205917AnonymousGuestDear vaishu:
You wrote about your friend: “she had put the following note in her phone… the note she had written about me:…”
Problem in my efforts to understand your recent post is that I don’t know where her note stops and where it is that it is you writing to me.
The beginning of her note to you says that she wants people to love, to be hers (“I want them to be mine”). She very much does not want to be alone. She feels incapable. She doesn’t want to exhaust herself listening to your problems, feeling your pain because she has her own. “If I exhaust myself on you, I have nothing left for me”.
Is it still in your friend’s note that she kicked.. you: “That day, I kicked vausunavi on purpose. It gave me pleasure seeing her cry and suffer. Immense pleasure…that’s why I like torture. I like being her dom. I shout at her and hate her and order her around cuz it’s all a way of dominating her… I like seeing her tortured”-
Is this in your friend’s note? If so, is she talking about her torturing you and dominating you?
Please clarify.
anita
May 8, 2018 at 2:54 am #206065AnonymousInactiveYeah that was put up on her note. And, I’m sorry for the confusion. 🙁
Yes. Here she is talking about torturing and dominating me or(maybe) why she did avoid me all these days.
May 8, 2018 at 3:11 am #206071AnonymousGuestDear vaishu:
This person, you referred to her as a friend, wrote that she kicked you, shouted at you, ordered you around, dominating you, is the word she used, “being (your) dom”-
How did you feel when she kicked you, shouted at you, and otherwise dominated you?
anita
May 8, 2018 at 3:41 am #206073AnonymousInactiveI always felt that she was being sad or needed someone personal space for herself and just remained quiet or cried in front of her.
May 8, 2018 at 3:45 am #206077AnonymousGuestDear vaishu:
When she kicked you and shouted at you, you felt sad for her? Did you also feel angry at her for kicking and shouting at you?
What did she mean by dominating you- and what does it mean to you, to be dominated?
anita
June 3, 2018 at 7:58 am #210561AnonymousInactivei felt really sad for her; i put my best to help her out, but, it ended up as she hating me because i was complaining too much and can’t deal with my life. she is a really good friend of mine. i support at every walk of her life. but, i do not expect to listen to everything i say, but atleast support me when i need a shoulder to cry. i don’t feel angry or sad when she dominates me. instead i feel that I’ve got immense pleasure hen she dominates me. though we have come into an understanding that she wouldn’t dominate me in my life, but on bed, (yes, we are bi) she feels that i should stay away from her to help her get rid of the so-called-monsterous- side of her, from me. though i put my heart and soul to help her come out of it by writing a sweet note on why she is really special, especially the people around her, she no considers me to be one of her best friends. she even even helped me from someone who was bullying me. i’m really happy for that transformation. Love and Affection, changes everything.
June 3, 2018 at 8:26 am #210567AnonymousGuestDear vaishu:
It is then her words that you wrote before: “I kicked vausunavi on purpose. It gave me pleasure seeing her cry and suffer. Immense pleasure… that’s why I like torture. I like being her dom. I shout at her and hate her and order her around cuz it’s all a way of dominating her… I like seeing her tortured”
In your recent post you wrote that she is “a really good friend” of yours and that the two of you were or are involved in a sexual relationship of a dominating/ submitting kind, and that you derive immense pleasure being dominated by her.
You also wrote that she helped you regarding someone who was bullying you and that “Love and affection changes everything”
My input: I definitely don’t want to know more about your sexual life with her or with anyone else. The dominating/ submitting relationship you suggested is disturbing to me. I mean, for her to derive pleasure inflicting pain on you on one hand, and you deriving pleasure from that pain is disturbing to me and this is why I don’t want to know any more about that.
I strongly believe in “Love and affection” being a good thing. But inflicting pain is not love and affection. I strongly recommend that you seek and attend professional psychotherapy. After all, you suggested yourself earlier that you are schizophrenic. This is reason enough to seek therapy with a psychiatrist and/ or a psychotherapist. Next, confusing the inflicting of physical pain with love and affection is further reason to seek therapy.
I hope you do seek help, see a psychiatrist for a start. Maybe a psychotherapist next. Please do.
anita
June 7, 2018 at 2:12 am #211343AnonymousInactiveBut, we just stopped doing that. by the way, you angry or something? Cuz I’m really sorry for that. Are you okay?
June 7, 2018 at 4:30 am #211347AnonymousGuestDear vaishu:
No, I don’t feel anger at you. No, not at all. I feel disgusted by the visual I had of two people in a relationship where one is inflicting pain on another. And then, to top this bad situation, the one inflicting the pain enjoying doing so and the one being inflicted with pain, enjoying it. This visual, image makes me sick, to think of such a … well, sick situation.
I do hope that you did indeed “stopped doing that”. It is most important, vaishu, that you engage in interactions and relationships with people where none is doing harm to the other, no inflicting pain. There is enough pain in life, in the world to experience without inflicting more of it, and inflicting more of it on purpose, intentionally.
Do-no-harm, vaishu, and see to it that no more harm is done to you.
Thank you for asking if I am okay. I am okay and hope you are okay too. Post again anytime.
anita
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