Dear Sam:

What I will write next is going to be difficult for you to read because it will not feel good, not if you take it in and consider it. This is why the Emotional Mind does not proceed as quickly as the Rational Mind: we don’t want to feel badly. Yet, it is for our benefit to consider what initially feels badly, because long term, we will feel better. What I write to you next, as everything I write to you, it is up to your consideration and evaluation:

The reason you felt not good enough as a child when you didn’t perform perfectly is because your parent/s taught you that you were not good enough unless you performed perfectly. And because it is impossible for a person (child or adult, including your parents!) to perform perfectly, what they taught you was:

You, Sam, are not good enough.

A child doesn’t come up with such core beliefs out of nowhere. Children are taught and parents always teach. Are they always aware of what they are teaching the child? No. But they teach nonetheless.

Not only do unaware parents teach, but while the child experiences distress, as a result of their teaching, they fail to notice the child’s distress, fail to evaluate their teachings and so, they fail to stop teaching what is causing the distress.

And so, parents keep teaching and keep reinforcing distressing teaching to a child who is already distressed, day in and day out, year after year.

If what I wrote above is distressing, please take a break and come back to it later, or not. Such is always, your choice.

* Soon to be away from the computer for a few hours.

anita

Dear Sam:

Maybe the book that got me started on my healing will help you too. Do excuse the adjective ‘dummies” in the title of the book. It is called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Dummies. If I remember correctly there was a separate Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook for Dummies. (English spelling). It started me on my way.

CBT is about correcting our distorted thinking and thinking what is true. You can order these online (I just googled).

Our thoughts and feelings are intertwined in our brain. When we believe something, for example: I am not good enough, it is not just a thought, it is a belief: a thought meshed, or glued with feelings.

So let’s say you rationally understand that you are good enough. Problem is you don’t believe it (thought+feeling). This is why healing involves thinking and feeling (Rational Mind and Emotional Mind)

If you get the book and workbook, you will have lots of info and exercises to do on a self-help basis. Let me know how it works for you and post again anytime.

anita

Dear sam:

You are moving soon. I hope you meet a good man there and start a relationship. First step would be to get to know a man before getting emotionally attached, while you are still objective-enough. You can prepare ahead of time, thinking and listing your requirements of a man, from most important-and-non-negotiable to preferable-but-not-necessary. You can “interview” men for the … position of boyfriend using that list.

You can prepare questions to ask a potential boyfriend, questions that are likely to invite honest answers while not appearing like you are an employer interviewing an employee (or the police interrogating a criminal suspect…)

You can study (there are books and online sources) interpersonal skills, such as the simple skill of listening to everything he says, not missing anything,  instead of no longer listening and thinking instead of what you will say to him.

There is so much to learn and practice. Exciting!

anita

Dear sam:

Of course it is okay for you to check back in. This is your thread and you are welcome to come back into it anytime, no time or length limit.

You are not feeling too good this evening, the evening before you are moving, I understand.
“How do I move on from this?” You asked. Since you are moving tomorrow, you just wait till tomorrow.

Tomorrow is a new beginning. “In the beginning…The earth was formless and void, and darkness was over the surface of the deep…” I don’t normally quote from the bible, but I like the beginning of it, genesis. In the beginning it says, the earth was formless and empty and dark (a bit like how you feel)… and then there was light and order was made, plants and animals created, you know the story ..  a whole wide world, out of the emptiness and darkness.

Go create, sam, one day at a time, one step at a time. Rest, sleep well, good night and please do come back to your thread. I would very much like to read from you again and again.

anita