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March 10, 2016 at 3:37 pm #98570
AnonymousInactiveWhat if that special person told you that wanted to marry you, have children with you but you refused and still stayed with you? What if that person had medical problems, you weren’t there for them but still forgive you and stayed with you? What if that person’s health was shattered cause you treated them bad but still told you they love you? What if they told you they were losing themselves by staying with you but still stay with you?
What if you acted selfishly and found an excuse to break up with them, just to make them feel bad? Even if that person tried to contact you for a month, by showing up at your place, kept calling you all day long, sent you numerous messages and emails, yet you responded to none of them…
What if you found out that that person went through a year long depression because of you?
What if after 1.5 year you showed up all of the sudden in front of them and made them bring up all the defenses they had and send you away telling you never to contact them again?
Well, this is what happened with me. I was the bad person of the story. But now the tables have turned… I am lost…
March 10, 2016 at 10:39 pm #98633
ShellybellParticipant????
March 10, 2016 at 11:51 pm #98637AnonymousInactiveI found this beautiful song for you, to help you. This song will give you hoping to always remember that nobody is to blame. We love who we love, we can’t help how we feel. So just go easy on yourself and love yourself. There’s no crime in loving and there’s never a bad person in this situation, just two mis-understandings. Hope that helps.
Sending you lots of love, positivity and light your way.
M.
March 11, 2016 at 2:09 am #98645AnonymousInactive“Adia I thought that we could make it
But I know I can’t change the way you feel
I leave you with your misery
A friend who won’t betray
I pull you from your tower
I take away your pain
And show you all the beauty you possess
If you’d only let yourself believe that”March 11, 2016 at 4:10 am #98653AnonymousInactiveThank you for your positive energy. I truly regret cause i hurt the only person i ever thought i could live with for the rest of my life. This person tried to get me back for some time but i closed to myself. Now, after 1.5 year, this person started a new relationship and said that she does not love me anymore. That is hard to swallow, even if it is logical. She does not talk to our common friends about us anymore. They say she still loves me and i should try to be friends with her at first. But i don’t have the courage to do this, knowing she has a new person in her life… It is not even right… What do you think?
March 11, 2016 at 4:25 am #98655
EParticipantHi John, I think you should let her be. If you can’t be friends with her, then don’t. It’s too painful for me to be friends with one of my exes, as much as his happiness makes me happy, I still really miss him some days. Other days it doesn’t bother me as much. But do what’s right for you.
Take what you can from this situation. It sucks, it’s painful. Additionally– you loved her that deeply, you’ll be able to love someone else as deeply in the future. The question is why were you scared and why did you close yourself off in the first place– and will you be able to avoid doing that in the future to someone else?
Good luck
~EMarch 11, 2016 at 4:32 am #98656AnonymousInactiveHi John,
You’re very welcome. 🙂
Well, if she’s with someone new and it’s hurting you. Which I can tell it is, I feel that it’s best to just let her go. Especially ifif she verbally told you she doesn’t want you. I’m sure it’s not going to be easy on you emotionally but you deserve someone who’s willing to be there for you during the good and bad parts of the relationship, now that your heart is open. Regardless if it’s your fault or not. Remember to always embrace love when it shows up in your life. Never allow fear to destroy love, as receiving love from someone besides your family is very precious and rare.
You only know what’s best for you and you are in control of what you’d like to do next in your life.
Sending you a lot of light, peace and love.
M.
March 11, 2016 at 6:57 am #98661AnonymousInactiveThe point is that our common friends told me that she behaved this way towards me cause she was very hurt and does not believe that I’ve changed. The dilemma in my mind is that once we were together she told me that she never felt this way about anyone else and for the first time she wanted someone to have kids with and now she acts like i am the plague. Is all that love gone now? Was it ‘real’ love? Is it just her defense mechanisms? If i knew for sure it was not real love, then i will let her go.
When i say let her go, i mean in my mind, cause physically I’ve never bothered her again. I just sent her a letter 3 weeks ago to apologize for my behavior in our relationship and that i drew away from her to find my self and that I’ve always wanted to have kids with her. A friend handed it to her. My friend told me when she read the letter, she said absolutely nothing and seemed skeptic for a while.
Well, i guess i can’t do anything else from now on. I wonder if she will give it some thought…
March 11, 2016 at 9:26 am #98682AnonymousGuestDear John_1:
From your descriptions in your original thread, you treated this woman badly and sometimes you hurt her on purpose. You did that for a long time while she insisted that she loved you and wanted to spend her life with you. She finally moved on and is in another relationship.
I strongly believe that the right thing for you to do is to leave her physically alone, not writing to her and otherwise not trying to communicate with her in any way, shape or form.
As far as leaving her alone mentally, in your mind, you wrote you could do it if you knew for sure it was not real love on her part, in the past, is that correct?
Well, it was not real love in the sense that there was no mutual love, that’s for sure. You know that for sure, don’t you? That when you rejected her over time and hurt her again and again, you know it was not true love on your part… do you ?
anita
March 11, 2016 at 10:46 am #98696AnonymousInactiveHello Anita. Thank you for answering. Yes, i deliberately hurt her over and over during our relationship. But it wasn’t that i didn’t love her, but just the opposite. I had issues concerning love matters. I had bad residues from past relationships. I was projecting my insecurities on her because i knew she cared about me and would feel bad about it. I guess that made me feel secure.
After breaking up with her (it was me), i took the time to think things over. I also went onto counseling. I sorted things out in my mind and realized that i just lost a woman that could stand by me and vice versa.
At the time we were together, i didn’t have the mentality to show her how i really feel about her. I also broke up with her in a bad manner. She said to friends she didn’t expect that from me but should respect my decision. She is even leaving the country to go back to her parents (she was staying here because she wanted a family with me).
The reason i took so much time to contact her again was that first i should be 100% that i will never treat her bad again. But it took me a long time and she didn’t knew what i was trying, so she decided to move on.
I found out that she is having a surgery and i sent her a message a few hours ago to tell her everything goes well and she responded…
I respect this girl and will certainly not interfere with her plans. I also told her that in the letter i sent her. As a man, i feel that i should give a fight for this woman. Of course i will not push her in any way. I will continue to show my interest in her. What happens after, no one knows.
A common friend talked to her about me and she told him that if someone really loves he must insist but should start all over again, as friends…
What do ladies in here say about this?
March 11, 2016 at 11:25 am #98698AnonymousGuestDear John_1:
You wrote: “Yes, i deliberately hurt her over and over during our relationship. But it wasn’t that i didn’t love her, but just the opposite.” I am disagreeing with you. When you deliberately hurt her, you did not love her. When you intended to hurt her, to cause her pain, what that was your motivation, your desire, you did not love her. What you did feel when you intended to hurt her is anger, the intent to harm.
In between the times you intended to hurt her, maybe you felt affection, love, regret, I don’t know.
It always has been her decision, her choosing, to pursue you as she has, to give up and it will be her decision to get back with you or not. Always be honest with her, you owe her that. Especially her.
I am glad you went to counseling and that your sincere intent is to not hurt her anymore. Please post anytime, updates…
And hope her surgery goes well and that she is well, as well as you.
anita
March 11, 2016 at 11:34 am #98699AnonymousInactiveGiving a definition about love is difficult. But i guess that after 1.5 year i could not think of any other woman and tried to resolve my issues for us, there must be some love in here:)
I will show my interest in her in an honest way. All i can think of now is that she is well. I will update you with what happens. I just feel half without her around to watch her smile, holding my sister’s kids, waking up next to her in the morning, sending her flowers at her work just to make her day, showing up at her place when she did not expect it…How can i forget all these?:/
I feel devastated. Especially when i know there is another person giving her all these…March 11, 2016 at 12:08 pm #98705AnonymousGuestDear John_1:
If you learned from that devastating experience, and you are indicating that you have learned, then you are on the right path. Learning is key.
As far as the definition of love, please note: intentionally hurting someone cannot, by definition, be a loving act, and while you are performing that unloving act, you are not loving the person you are harming.
If you intentionally hurt someone repeatedly but are kind in between the incidents of hurting, you do not love the person either because the kind acts do not “neutralize” the hurting or abusive acts.
In a loving relationship there should be no intentional hurting and no repeating hurting, intentional or not.
Please do update and post anytime.
anita
March 11, 2016 at 3:21 pm #98733AnonymousInactiveI believe everyone realizes love in a different way. Some love compulsively, some monotonically etc. It’s just how one feels.
What I’ve learned from this ‘experience’:
1. Relationships are hard. You must give an everyday fight. You don’t take nothing for granted. If you continue to dissapoint someone, there will be a time that he/she will crack and go away. You don’t expect them to be there for ever, hurting.
2. Treat a woman right and she will certainly be there for you too. To be honest, i haven’t treated her like a man should. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me.
3. You pay for your mistakes. You pay big time:)
4. You can’t change someone’s mind because you want to. It is just not right.
I hurt this girl, big time. I let her down and now i am trying to come back into her life. I will try to show her that I’ve change and what happens next it’s up to her.
March 11, 2016 at 5:44 pm #98763AnonymousGuestDear John_1:
I keep repeating my point that when a person hurts another intentionally, that it is not a loving act, but the opposite of a loving act. This is my subjective understanding of love but it is also the objective truth of what love is. I will keep repeating it.
I like it that you listed what you learned. My comments on your list:
I like #1. Regarding #2, I’d like to suggest that it is possible to treat a woman right and she will not be there for you. This happens too. Regarding #3: yes, you do and unfortunately you also pay for others’ mistakes. Regarding #4: I agree you should let another make up their own mind and not manipulate or pressure them.
I am curious to follow your aim here of getting her back, back to a different kind of relationship, a Win-Win relationship. Hope you post again.
anita
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