Home→Forums→Relationships→What I am to him?
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July 6, 2020 at 12:52 pm #360804
AnnaParticipantHi Anita,
So, on my trip to Germany last year, I felt that he was interested in me during the end of my trip. On the second last day, I was chatting with him and my girlfriend where he told me to extend my trip. I told him I can’t as I need to be back for work. He then suddenly took one of my hands and held it on his face. I wasn’t sure what to do and why he did that.
Then on my last day – just right before we head to the airport, he was lying on the floor and I asked him to make a move as we were getting late for my flight. He looked at me in the eye for more than 10 seconds and kept repeating softly “stay, stay, stay, stay” and I kept saying back “no, no no, no”. He pulled and hugged me in front of our friends. I pulled myself away and said let’s make a move. Till today I am not sure what that was. Maybe he didn’t realized himself that he did that?
Since coming back, we have been in touched every single day without fail. I feel maybe he is scared and confused too?
There are days where he would leave 1-2 words text to my questions (like a dry texter) where I felt like maybe he didn’t want to talk to me anymore or trying to ignore me. He goes silent for few hours before he would text again if I ask him a question (with his 1-2 words reply again). This makes me feel like he is not interested in me or my conversations.
However, there are times (especially in the last week or so) where he would explain why he didn’t get back to me in a timely manner and he make sure I know his whereabouts, so I don’t wait for his text.
Do you see it? It’s like hot and cold or maybe I am thinking too much?
Anna
July 6, 2020 at 1:26 pm #360815
AnonymousGuestDear Anna:
“he told me to extend my trip”- that’s hot, not cold.
“He then suddenly took one of my hands and held it on his face”- that was hot, not cold.
“He looked at me in the eye.. and kept repeating softly ‘stay, stay, stay, stay”- that is hotter than hot, as far away from cold as can be.
“He pulled and hugged me”- still hot.
“Since coming back, we have been in touch every single day without fail”- still hot.
“There are days he would leave 1-2 words text to my questions”- I don’t think it means cold, it may mean that he is at times busy or he doesn’t feel well. For example, you ask him a question while he is so tired that he doesn’t feel like answering, or he has stomach problems that take away his focus from your questions.
“Do you see it? It’s like hot and cold or maybe I am thinking too much?”- I don’t see hot and cold, I see only hot. Maybe you have unrealistic expectations of him, expecting of him to always be perfectly attentive to you?
anita
July 6, 2020 at 1:43 pm #360822AnnaParticipantHi Anita,
I am not 100% sure if I am expecting a bit too much from him or not. I’ve known him for a long time, and he is like a player so I am not sure if I should take his actions or words seriously. He is a smooth talker. I have seen him talking with other girls before.
The days when he is quiet, I give him space and don’t bother him as well. I talk less on those days because I respect his me-time.
But I feel like he should bring it up and talk about it instead of leaving me hanging sometimes. Am I too much?
However, something tells me we are probably falling for each other especially after when he said he trust me the most, thanked me for always being there, and that nothing could replace me.I did test him a few days back by not sending him a morning message. He texted me good morning instead and asked if I slept in.
Anna
July 6, 2020 at 1:59 pm #360828AnonymousGuestDear Anna:
We talked earlier about you asking him questions, and you said that you were afraid that asking him questions will destroy the friendship.
Without planning on asking him anything, can you list the questions you would ask him if you were 100% sure that there is no danger to asking him? (I would like to know what these questions are, so to understand your situation better).
anita
July 6, 2020 at 6:54 pm #360882AnnaParticipantHi Anita,
Sure, I will do that soon. I will list the questions I would ask him and run by you for your feedback.
Anna
July 25, 2020 at 2:00 pm #362722AnnaParticipantHi Anita,
First of, I am sorry for not updating you sooner. I couldn’t come up with any questions to ask him and a huge part of me is I am still afraid to ask him.
Anyhow, I think I have a clearer answer now. I think the way he sees us is we are like best of friends. We still talk and text every single day. We can video calls for hours without any issues. We update each other’s whereabouts during the time when we are both up (cos we are in different time zones).
The reason why I think we are only best of friends is because he mentioned a few things during our conversations…like:
- He still talks to his ex, but he said as a friend and there is nothing more. He also mentioned that they would never get back together but joked that if she wants to have a one-night stand, he would sleep with her. However, there would be no emotional attachment involved he says. I don’t know if he was testing to see how I would react or what.
- We were talking about introducing girls to our friends and he said maybe he should date younger girls.
- He was talking about all his exes and joking around how he slept with them. I wonder if this happens to any relationships. I mean do people open up and talk about exes like that?
- He was joking about how if any girls who wants to have sex, he would give them. Sounds like a F**k boy?
We are both like an opened book. We talk about our family problems and stuff. There is no filter. We talk about anything and everything. He even remembers when I said I need to wake up early for a meeting. He would check in to see if I am up.
Regards,
Anna
July 25, 2020 at 2:23 pm #362724AnonymousGuestDear Anna:
“What I am to him?” is the question you asked in the title of your thread. And your recent answer (“I think I have a clearer answer now”): “I think we are only best friends”.
Reads like you have the correct answer, because of the reasons you listed. Make sure to not cross to the .. friends-with-benefits category, or best-friends-with-benefits category, as long distance best friends or if/ when you are in the same area.
“He was talking about all his exes and joking around how he slept with them.. He was joking about how if any girls who want to have sex, he would give them”- you definitely don’t want to hear these things after being romantically/ physically intimate with him, I imagine it will hurt you a lot.
I imagine he is saying these things to you because he doesn’t think you have any romantic interest in him (?)
.. Does it hurt you as a best friend, to hear these things?
anita
July 25, 2020 at 3:06 pm #362725AnnaParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you for responding to me. I feel much better talking to someone like you.
Yes, it did hurt me to hear these things. I think he knows too that I kinda like him. The last time when I met him in person, I was sad when he was flirting with other girls in front of me. He asked me over the conversation we had yesterday that why was I so sad that night (clearly he noticed it). Maybe he is waiting for me to admit my feelings for him?
Anna
July 25, 2020 at 3:43 pm #362727AnonymousGuestDear Anna:
You are welcome. Because it hurt you to hear him say these things- next time you talk to him, why don’t you tell him that it hurt you to hear him say (tell him what exactly he said that hurt you). After you tell him that, if he cares about you (as a friend or otherwise), he shouldn’t be saying those kind of things again, just so not to hurt you.
What do you think about my idea?
anita
July 25, 2020 at 3:50 pm #362728AnnaParticipantHi Anita,
That’s true. I am actually thinking of sending him a message like sort of giving him an advice as a friend. Something like – he should think about letting his exes move on if he has no intentions of getting back together. It’s his first love by the way. Not the ex he broke up recently. He knows his first ex still loves him. He says he is not attracted to her anymore but still text her because he doesn’t want to look mean.
I also want to add to the text that being friends or reaching out to them is a way he is hanging on and hoping things will work out again.
what do you think?
Anna
July 25, 2020 at 3:51 pm #362729AnnaParticipantJust to see how he will react. Any suggestions?
July 25, 2020 at 4:01 pm #362730AnonymousGuestDear Anna:
Yes, to see how he will react. You want my suggestion as to how to tell him? If so, I would tell him: when you talk about your exes, and when you talk about having sex with other women, I feel hurt inside. Do you mind not saying those things to me?
Let’s say he then asks you something like: why does it hurt you?
Answer: I don’t know for sure (or I don’t want to talk about it right now), but what I know for sure is that it hurts me, it feels painful for me to hear it.
-What do you think about my suggestion?
anita
July 25, 2020 at 4:15 pm #362731AnnaParticipantThose are good suggestions. Thank you so much Anita! I will do that and keep you posted.
Anna
July 25, 2020 at 4:52 pm #362733AnonymousGuestYou are very welcome, Anna. I will be looking forward to your next post!
anita
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