Dear Daisy:

The answer to “What happened?” may be right here: “he mentioned his mental condition (he has some issues)”- did you ask him/ did he tell you what his mental condition is about?

And what are the issues you mentioned in parenthesis?

anita

This man in no way, is ready for a commited, stable, relationship..so many reasons and numerous red flags. 1. You both only texted, and never spoke on the phone. 2. He is very unstable, and unreliable making you always confused and in doubt. No relationship, no matter now much you like someone can survive this. 3. He is cruel and disrespectful of you. Telling you that it is your anniversary, and he is having a surprise restaurant, but then laughs and says it’s for a business colleague, this man sounds like a sociopath, enjoying making people have doubts, telling them to “see a shrink” lashing out at small things. 4. He never invited you to his place, made you dinner, never really made any attempt at romance other than “make out sessions” at your place, not boyfriend material. 5. Always being sick, yet always taking you to walks in “crappy weather”. Couldn’t take you in his car when the weather was bad out. 6. Not following through when you were in the hospital, not caring to ask how you were doing, caring more about “a concert instead” 7. I honestly don’t believe he went to an emergency room, and don’t think you do either. 8. Not caring enough to get you a rock for a souvenir that you really wanted. 9. When you got confused about his hiking plans, as anyone would, he again lashed out and became verbally abusive saying “don’t be so dramatic”. I could go on. Thank your lucky stars you are rid of this creep. Please don’t get back with him. This man is very toxic.

Dear Daisy:

You are very welcome. I enjoy opportunities to analyze people and situations, and so I am happy to try and answer your question “What happened?” I will look at the information in all your posts on this thread and come up with a possibility of what may have happened.

You met Alex and then spent time with him twice. After those two times you were “in 7th Heaven”, heaven with a capital H. One online definition of heaven is “a place or state of supreme happiness”. No doubt, once in heaven, in that state of mind, in that supreme happiness, you were invested in staying in it, in feeling happy on and on and on.

Following those two times you texted him that you “really like him” and his response was to ask you for a walk, then postpone it saying he was “super busy” and suggested to “postpone dating for several months. Your response was that you wanted “to try something more than just a friendship right now.”

-seems like you didn’t ask him why he wanted to postpone dating and you simply ignored his assertion.

A few weeks following the first two times, you saw each other about two hours per week, even though he only lives 20 minutes away, on foot. During those two hours per week, you talked about your mutual “future kids, marriage, our long-term plans”.

You wrote: “Honestly, I liked it. I had longed for a smart and driven boyfriend for so long”, again, you were in 7th Heaven and intended to keep it this way. You focused on the topics of conversation which fit being in 7th Heaven and ignored, best you could, the discrepancy between those topics and the short amount of time you spent together overall.

Just as you ignored the fact that he told you he wanted to postpone dating.

Later on he lied to you about the concert and such, but you ignored it best you could and had “dinner, watched a movie, made out – had a blast”. You had a blast, still 7th Heaven maintained best you could.

While you were invested in maintaining Heaven, he was displaying significant lack of assertiveness and a people-pleasing tendency. When he told you that he wants to postpone dating, and you asserted that you wanted to date “right now”, he sort-of complied and proceeded with getting together with you for about 20 minutes per week, talking about marriage and children. Later on he got resentful because he was not interested in dating and he felt you were pressuring him.

Instead of re-asserting himself, stating to you in no uncertain terms that he is not ready to date, he came up with excuses, aka lies as to why he can’t see you more often. He got angry and blamed you for threatening him and suggested you should see a shrink.

When you told him that you were “confused by his behavior”, his response was that “he had problems in communication”, and indeed he did: he was not assertive. Following asserting himself that one time, telling you he wants to postpone dating, and following your assertion to date anyway, he tried to accommodate you… a little.

Later he took you to a party. You wrote about that party: “It was lovely… I thought things were looking up”- you are still invested in that… Heaven, holding on to any positive thing and ignoring the negative best you could.

When you complained, later on, he “mentioned his mental condition”, instead of… re-asserting himself. Clearly, he is scared of asserting himself.

You wrote: “He told me I was the only one making him feel guilty and if his world didn’t revolve around me, sh** would happen. I just didn’t get it.”

– this is a very telling statement on his part. It suggests, in my understanding, that as a child he may have been made to feel guilty for asserting himself, he was afraid to displease a parent if he asserted himself. If he displeased a parent “sh** would happen” That is what he is still afraid of.

When you “lost it…called him a coward, a liar, told him that now I wanted him to feel like sh**” – his fear came true. His response was not one of intimidation though. He fought back, asserting himself and going a bit overboard into aggression when he suggested you needed professional help and insulting you otherwise.

On your next post you wrote: “even on good days he didn’t seem to be overly interested in spending a lot of time with me”- because he was not interested in dating, in a relationship, which is what he told you in the very begiYou wrote: “Also, he now goes hiking every weekend with my friends. Where are the headaches, the meds, the issues now?”- these were just excuses. He didn’t want to date you but he tried to accommodate you, a little, somewhat, fearing to displease you.

You wrote: “but he talked to me about our marriage, he told me he loved me in another language, he told me what he would name our first kid. This is not a person afraid of commitment, rather someone who wants to be in one so badly, but can’t.”- I believe that this is a person afraid, only not of commitment, but of asserting himself, fearing negative consequences that will follow if he asserts himself again.

This is my best understanding. In a nutshell: you pretended you had a boyfriend. You pretended you had a relationship. Your motivation: maintain Heaven. His motivation: avoid perceived negative consequences (punishment) for re-asserting himself and trying to accommodate you… a little, somewhat.

anita

Dear Daisy:

I am not the person who wrote to you in a previous message that “he is toxic and unstable”. It is another member who posted that to you.

If you go back and re-read the previous communications, maybe things will get clearer for you? Let me know.

anita

Dear Daisy:

You wrote (last post): “had he not wanted to date me he could have told me that instead”, but he did, after the first two times of getting together, “He asked me for a walk and explained he was super busy right now and suggested we should postpone dating for several months.” (original post)

You wrote: “i cant possibly see his behavior as accommodating me. He was not a good bf.”- and I agree, this is why I wrote to you again and again in my post to you (the one with my understanding of what happened) that he accommodated you “a little” and “somewhat”.

As to “why on Earth would he want to please a girl he had just met?”- there are people who want to please not only people they just met but people they will never meet again. There are people who are afraid of displeasing anyone, no matter when they met them or if they will ever meet them again. This is so because they project people into their lives and previous experiences into new people and new experiences, feeling the same fears as before.

You wrote: “He has no problem telling people off”- I am thinking he is going between being scared and angry, scared and angry…accommodating (a little, somewhat) and telling people off.

anita

Dear Daisy:

The title of your thread is “What happened” and not Whose-fault-was-it. I will explain:

As I see it, this relationship could not have possibly worked out no matter what you said or did. I don’t think there was anything you could have said or done to make this “7th heaven” extend any longer than it did, for you. Nor do I see that it could have developed into a healthy, loving relationship in realistic terms. The reason for my belief is that as he stated to you after the first two times, that he was not ready for a relationship, and as he stated to you later, he did/ does have those “mental issues” you mentioned, issues that are the reason why he is not ready.

You wrote that you gave him “enough space and time”- thing is, he needs more than space and time.

I think he talked to you about marriage and kids, called you his girlfriend so to please you, to give you what you wanted, well… a little of what you wanted, somewhat, a token.

anita