fbpx
Menu

What happened?

Home→Forums→Relationships→What happened?

New Reply
Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • August 11, 2016 at 8:41 am #112142
    Jennifer
    Participant

    I have been seeing a man for four months. I thought things were going well. He is an introvert and needs his “alone” time. I thought I was okay with that and then just this week he cancelled plans twice because he wanted to be alone. I wanted to talk with him about this and discuss why I was never allowed to visit his apartment. He came over last night and I brought up my concerns. He told me if he wants to be alone or is in a bad mood he doesn’t want to be around anyone. He also said he’s embarrassed by his apartment and roommate and that if he had me over it would make him feel awful and just be something I could check off my list. Then he said he wasn’t the right guy for me. I’m so confused and hurt. What happened? This is the same man who ended every text with “I love you” and “Miss you” and then he just breaks up with me? Prior to this relationship I hadn’t been in one for 11 years and now I’m panicking I’ll never be in another one. What did I do wrong?

    August 11, 2016 at 10:05 am #112146
    Maria Mango
    Participant

    Hi Jennifer,

    You didn’t do anything wrong. It seems like you respected his need for alone time and gave him space when he asked for it. It’s just that he is definitely not the right guy for you, in fact I would stay as far away from him as possible. Not letting you see his apartment, breaking plans suddenly, but still keeping you on the hook by saying he loves you and misses you are all classic signs of someone with something to hide. I understand that he is an introvert and that he may have trouble opening up to people, but after four months of dating, he should be comfortable enough to let you into his world fully if he were the guy for you. He’s keeping you at arm’s length for some reason or another that he’s not disclosing with you. He will come back and try to contact you again and keep you hooked only to pull away again and again, it’s a vicious cycle.

    I would ask him some hard questions about where he thinks this relationship is going and see if it’s in line with what you also want. I think you’ll find a disparity there, which is fine as it’s just not right for whatever reason. Don’t be afraid to ask those questions, you are worth way more than the pain of wondering if it was you that messed up. You will find another guy that fits the bill and it’ll be even better because you were empowered from walking away from this particular experience.

    You are strong and powerful! Never forget that! Keep posting here, this is a great community with lots of different points of views, very helpful!

    Cheers and best of luck,

    -M

    August 11, 2016 at 10:07 am #112147
    Peppermint
    Participant

    Dear Jennifer, I don’t think you did anything wrong. You wanted to “talk with him about [his need for alone time] and discuss why I was never allowed to visit his apartment.” which is understandable. Basically you wanted to know where you stand with him, is that right? Well, who wouldn’t want to know that.

    Everyone here can only guess what happened. Here is what is for me the most likely scenario based on what you told us:
    You friend might be either depressed or have serious self-confidence issues. Maybe he is an introvert. Maybe all three. When he has moodswings he needs to be alone. He doesn’t want you to see him in a bad mood or worse, lash out verbally at you. So during that time he keeps to himself.
    He is also ashamed about his flat and his room mate. Maybe everything is in disorder because he just has no energy to clean up. Maybe his roommate runs around in his underwear. Maybe he still lives with his mother.

    When you asked why he needs to be alone sometimes and why you can’t visit, a depressed person might have thoughts like “I’m not normal” “I can’t even invite my girlfriend to my flat, what a looser” “I should have done something about my living situation years ago, but I didn’t, I never make any progress” “I can’t tell her I’m depressed, she will look down on me” “this is all too much” “she deserves someone who treats her better, who is not such a burden” => “I want this problem to go away. I should break up with her. I’m sure it is better for her, too”.

    I write this so that you understand that this is not about you, it’s about him. Of course I might be totally off, and he is living with his other girlfriend and when he says he wants time alone his other girlfriend wants to go out with him. Only you can say what feels true for you.

    What do you think so far?

    August 11, 2016 at 6:27 pm #112197
    Jennifer
    Participant

    I appreciate both your comments, I think he suffers from depression. I don’t know why he wouldn’t let me see his apartment. Thank you for for saying I didn’t do anything wrong. I really need that right now.

    August 11, 2016 at 6:39 pm #112198
    Maria Mango
    Participant

    You’re welcome 🙂 Stay strong and remember you are worth a lot!

    August 11, 2016 at 6:47 pm #112199
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jennifer:

    In your original post you wrote: “He also said he’s embarrassed by his apartment and roommate and that if he had me over it would make him feel awful ”

    In your most recent post you wrote: “I don’t know why he wouldn’t let me see his apartment.”

    He told you why and you repeated what he told you, that he wouldn’t let you see his apartment because that would make him feel embarrassed, awful.

    Do you know then why he wouldn’t let you see his apartment?

    anita

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.