Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→What does she want from me?
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Anyone.
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February 27, 2014 at 5:03 am #51897
AnyoneParticipantSorry to be sharing the same old story time and again guys; I need some advice here…
My ex lesbian partner keeps sending mails; yesterday she sent a bouquet of flowers.
In a relation of 2 years where I couldn’t give her what I should be giving in a ‘mutual’ lesbian relation, where I wasn’t comfortable and couldn’t after a certain extent; is she still pretending that she doesn’t know I’m not comfortable in this relation?What she wants from me that she keeps pursuing me, saying I’m the only love she has had in life. Can someone who loves you create an indirect obligation? For how long could I be living in an obligated relation which was getting suffocated as we proceeded further.
Is she following me just because she is in a country where she supposedly found her love, yet having another life dating other women and girls?
Is she following to disturb my peace of mind, and yet to continue to have her life?
She says ‘care always’…I automatically relate it to ‘I will be disturbing you always’.
What people don’t understand when a relation is not going in the right direction?
Why they become a burden to be discarded? May be I am at fault that people manipulate and take me for granted….
Should I stand up and raise my voice or just sit and watch the manipulation, and if so, for how long?
February 27, 2014 at 6:08 am #51899
@Jasmine-3ParticipantHi Anyone
You need professional therapy. I doubt that there is anyone on this forum who can solve your ongoing issues with your ex partner. Pls be kind to yourself and get some professional help from the right kind of people.
Best wishes,
J
February 27, 2014 at 7:04 am #51903
The RuminantParticipantDo you realize that you are entangled in a person, yet confused why she is entangled with you? You also ask if you should have a voice and stand up for yourself, yet you ask for the permission to do that from other people? Nobody can disturb your peace or force you to feel or think something. You make that choice and you have now chosen to obsess over her.
February 27, 2014 at 7:08 am #51904AnyoneParticipantHey Jasmine,
How have you been? Thanks for your reply.
Do you mean that the problem is with me 🙁 ? Reading ‘professional therapy’ sounds to me like I’m sick, the problem exaggerator between me and her…:-(
Sometime back, I had sought counseling from a professional psychologist and she had suggested to either ignore (run away from her) or if she’s understanding enough, then to be upfront, clear and candid.
But the story took a completely different turn…. May be I could just continue ignoring everything…?
February 27, 2014 at 7:27 am #51906
MattParticipantAnyone,
I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand why your ex’s pokes produce confusion. Consider that perhaps the attachment is wanting to know her, understand her, remain close to her. Perhaps you present yourself as being less invested than you really are. Said differently, why do you care about why she does what she does? If there was a lioness outside your door, scratching and roaring, would you go out and see why she was scratching? Does the scratching obligate you to go be eaten? A few things came to heart as I read your words.
Perhaps if you want to be free from her, you have to give up your fascination with her story, her motives, her expectations, her actions. They don’t have any effect on you that you don’t invite. Getting some flowers from her, getting mail… so what? Drop off the flowers at a retirement community, shred and recycle the unopened mail. These hooks find purchase in our heart and mind only when there is something inside us that cares about the attention, craves it, fears it, hopes for it. Otherwise, what would produce the disturbance?
Consider that perhaps if you dove into the metta practice (which is swirling around as a solution, but you fear, right?) then you’d rekindle your inner strength. Sent roses or no, there is a strong woman doing what she wants to do. Mail or none, there she is, following her heart. Said differently, who cares what she wants, why she does what she does, what her expectations are? Meaningless, nothing to us. This is about you and your light. The vision that comes to mind is how sometimes when we get a wound, it itches as it heals and we try to pick at it with morbid fascination, and then the wound reopens, bleeds some more. Don’t you have anything better to do with your time? Why are you still hung up on her?
With warmth,
MattFebruary 27, 2014 at 5:28 pm #51953@Jasmine-3ParticipantThanks Ruminant and Matt.
Anyone,
I have read your replies to others on their issues and you seem to provide a quite sound advice. However, when it comes to your own life, you appear to be helpless and looking for advice on matters, which only you can sort out. This shows to me that there may be a disconnect in how you perceive self and others. Many a times, we are not able to have the self insight to realise that we are the instigators of our own problems and professional therapy can help with that. You have been through a lot it seems – divorce, family issues, ex-lesbian partner issues and your fear of weekends and being away from people etc. You are only 28.
You need to take the chill pill and concentrate on your life rather than others. Sort yourself out. Happiness and peace lies within and not outside.
When you take the advice of others to sort your personal issues out, there is a high chance that the problem will not resolve as the advice was provided by a person who has a different “life experiences filter” on. We all have different capacities to deal with the curve balls that life throws at us. Some are good at dealing with it and others are not. Listen to your own heart and create a resolve. However, if you are only attention seeking and need to do something with your spare time, keep posting on this forum and asking for input.
God bless you !
J
February 27, 2014 at 9:58 pm #51965AnyoneParticipantHi Jasmine,
Greetings of the day!
You’re right. I agree every bit with your observation. I’m usually a strong person but some areas where I lack (mainly self-esteem, in childhood I had mixed humility with self-esteem/respect) and hence I have to struggle with myself now, which is good, because I know where I stand and need to rise from here.
My family looks up-to me, but when it comes to my matters, I end up with no one around. Earlier I had kept things to myself > never sought help > became lost > hence all the mess came as I hadn’t drawn a boundary; I don’t want to commit this mistake again, that’s why I keep posting here. I couldn’t be more grateful to all the TB members.
Thank you Jasmine..:-)
Matt,
Thanks a lot for your sound words. I have star marked it to refer whenever these feelings try to put me down.
And yes, understood how Loving Kindness Meditation would help…
Ruminant,
I could see the mirror..
March 9, 2014 at 7:49 am #52512AnyoneParticipantShe writes a hate mail, as I have blocked her on calls, messages and no word from my end.
She’s freak because I had not blocked my ex-husband (due to family
didn’t know about our divorce).I’m being blamed and compared to my ex-husband, which is not fair.
Above all, she’s pretending as if she doesn’t realize in 2 years that I don’t feel the way a lesbian should.
The point is- she wants to send my stuffs which are at her place. She wants me to tell her how and where to send.
Ideally she can send through courier, just as she had sent flowers!
So I consider this mail as a provocation to have a reply from me.80% of me says, ‘No need to reply, if she so wants to send my stuffs
after a month, she can courier’. Yes, I need those stuffs, but once I reply, the whole communication chain will start..20% of me says, ‘What if she takes my silence as weakness and knocks
on my door one fine day’. It would mean to take the manipulation
all over again.Please suggest, what would be the right thing to do here. Is it necessary to reply? Yes, I do get lost when my past tries to get in touch.
Thank you for reading my post!
March 9, 2014 at 8:31 am #52513AnyoneParticipantLast lines of her mail say…’I don’t want to hire someone to throw/deliver your stuffs at your main door! So please take your call!
March 13, 2014 at 8:16 pm #52763@Jasmine-3ParticipantHi Anyone
Whether we like it or not but Everything is temporary in this world from the moment we are born into this world to the moment we depart from this planet.
Do not let material things bind you down to a person whom you do not love or want to share a happy existence with. You can always accumulate the stuff you have left behind in her house. If i were you, I would let her do whatever she wants to do with the stuff. I only want my peace of mind and it is obviously not with her.
Let her and everything, which is keeping you down GO once and for all.
Cheers
J
March 24, 2014 at 11:16 am #53448AnyoneParticipantShe came home tonight. She tried to be intimate. I took her to cafe outside to avoid this situation and put across what’s inside me and see if she could/would respect.
She asked the reason of break-up and I told her that although she knows, I would still put it, that it’s nothing to do with her, it’s about me who was not comfortable in a lesbian relationship. And it wouldn’t do justice to neither of us if the relation proceeded like this. It’s better to part ways and I would appreciate if she could respect we parting ways.
Sadly, she tried to manipulate again. She said she can’t leave India (me), she would do all her best to be here even though her contract is about to get over.
And I said, if you ask for slap (disrespect) , you would get a slap (disrespect) only. It’s your choice what would you want me to take you as a reference (respect or disrespect).She cried many times to melt my heart. After seeing all this manipulation; I find it amusing how people don’t stop playing games. And the worst part, she thought somebody else has tried to changed my mind and that my ex-husband might be back in my life. May be she tried to know the truth by opening his topic. Yuk!
It doesn’t seem like she would stop following, let’s see what comes next after barring all channels of communication. Hopefully, she will respect the fact that I have neighbors around and she can’t visit my place like this.
March 24, 2014 at 11:30 am #53451AnyoneParticipantBut somewhere I felt good for I conveyed the truth and what was inside me.
The manipulation part needs to be dealt with only one thing…’Ignore’.
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